opnet [OpNet] Merry Christmas, Assholes

[Machina]

Well, Christmas has come again, and since it's the tradition, I figured I'd prove I'm not such a hardass after all by going out and getting a cadre of specially selected gifts for my favorite members of the tumor club. Seeing as how I can't get to most of you (count your fucking blessings), I figured I'd just post up a list of all the goodies in my sack, and you gaggle of mewling, spandex-clad yokels can get them from me at your leisure. I know I come off as hard, but I wanted to take this opportunity to show everyone that I'm not such a bad guy, after all. I have my charitable side, you know?

So anyway, here's what I picked up for all you adorable little knuckleheads. Merry fuckin' Christmas.

Flicka: You get a GPS unit with a radio transmitter. Though I guess that's more a present for Neil, huh?

Danzig: I couldn't find shit for you. But I promise, as soon as I find a mutant surgeon capable of performing personality implants, I'll be sure to make good.

Sailor Jizz Mop: I'm getting you a Fleshlight and a box set of Battlestar Glactica, so that some day you can make some sticky and hunchbacked nerd still living at home the happiest maladjusted social retard in his World of Warcraft guild.

Interchangable Furry A (the Cat Asshole that Can Nuke a City): I'm going to bring you Endeavor after I give her the things I got her. Go hog wild, nerd boy.

Interchangable Furry B (the Fox Bitch who Thinks She's a Scientist): A Lady Revlon hair removal kit. Shave your fucking armpits, already, you pig. Nobody wants to see that.

Goth Loser: A box set of 'Evangelion', in case you have any friends who haven't picked a stupid-ass nova name, either.

Girl Made of Jackass: I'm giving you the greatest gift of all; the apparently Biblical-in-scope revelation that being an easy lay doesn't make you an enlightened fucking guru. Don't spend it all in one place, kiddo.

Saccharine Ivy: I ain't getting you shit. You live a fucking charmed existence where every time you meet with the most minimal difficulty, a dozen men with too much dick and too little brain step up to the plate to bail your ass out. You're a fucking one-woman charity drive, so I reckon you can fucking do without.

Sandy: An economy size gift pack of Vagisil and Astroglide. Potential applications in your case are near fucking limitless.

The Other Lemmy, the One that Sucks: A paternity test.

Fantastislut the Magnificent: A five thousand dollar gift certificate to the Planned Parenthood clinic of your choice. Damn shame about Christmas coming too late for the first one, huh?

The Stupid One Who Thinks She's a God But Can't Fucking Spell: All I want to give you is a great, big kiss. With my fist.

Obligatory Nazi Character: I got you a full-fare ticket to Poland so you can visit Auschwitz and Birkenau. Get some fucking historical perspective, masturbate on the crematorium while thinking about dead Jews, whatever. Go nuts.

My Sweet Brown Sugar: I struggled over this one for a while. I mean, what do you the the wo/man for whom nothing - not even the law - impedes their acquisition of their heart's desire? In the end, I just decided to have Barnes stuffed and mounted. Nice, huh?

Honey Love Moon Flower Baby Kitty Princess Joy Peace Pink Bunny: A nightengale, to join you in your gilded cage, sweetheart.

Golden Boy: A prostitute with no records and no one to miss her. You know what to do. You know you want to. On second thought, maybe I should have gotten you twenty, so you could have used them to form some asinine little cult first.

Genie Genome: A SEAL in full SCUBA gear to retrieve the pearl that is the doubtless end result of all that sand in your twat, and a local arboreal service to help remove the stick from your ass.

Pan (Peter): Testosterone injections, seeing as how you were apparently dead last in line when they were passing out puberty. Even prostitutes won't take you seriously until you get some hair on your balls, kid. Ask Procyon; that guy has to kill hookers before they'll sleep with him.

Pan (Goat): Elocution lessons. Those jackass mac bastards have got you so fucked-up you even type with an accent.

Dudley Doright in Spandex: I want you to read a copy of this really awesome comic I own called 'Watchmen'. I think you'll like it.

Pity-Me: A specially-made, one-of-a-kind, bifurcated silicon dildo measuring four feet by one-and-a-quarter feet. We all miss WakiToDan, sweetheart, but I can only imagine that of all the empty spaces inside us he once filled, yours is by far the most vacuous.

Rat Bastard: Nearly anything I offer you you'd just refuse. So in lieu of a traditional gift, I made a sizable donation to the Kill All Humans Foundation in your name.

Hexapus: I'm giving you the same brand of giant cross I got for WakiToDan a few years back. So whenever you're feeling underappreciated for all your charity work and benevolence for the good of all humankind, you can crawl up and fucking nail yourself to it.

Guy Who Can Change into Fake Animals & Girl who Likes to Fuck Fake Animals: Since they've just been gathering dust since my Army days, I'm handing over my entire collection of Dungeons & Dragons 'Monstrous Manual' books. I want pictures.

ReCoSam & WakiToDan: You'll have to split it, or maybe alternate weekends, but I got you guys a copy of C. Scott Littleton's 'Mythology: The Illustrated Anthology of World Myth and Storytelling' for the next time one of you decides that the recent nom du jour has lost its shine or in case you feel the need to rename yourself again after your latest bout of deity-themed ego masturbation.

If I left anybody off this list, it's probably because you're comparatively worthless and beneath my notice. Questions, complaints, or applications to be included in next year's list can be filed by scribing them on 8x12x1" steel plates, turning them sideways, and shoving them firmly up your ass.

To recover your gift, simply put your name, address, and naked photos into a self-addressed, stamped envelope and mail via municipal sewage and sanitation services. Expect a reply just as soon as I sober up and can stop looking at porn. Happy fucking holidays, you bunch of lottery apes.

[Timeslip]

Ah, feel the love.

[Origami]

Interesting what happens here. Without a doubt.

[Sakurako Hino]

Sailor Jizz Mop... You seem to have a new name for me every day.

[Vixen]

Originally Posted By: Machina

Interchangable Furry B (the Fox Bitch who Thinks She's a Scientist): A Lady Revlon hair removal kit. Shave your fucking armpits, already, you pig. Nobody wants to see that.

And all I got you was a subscription to



12 issue's worth of junk-fondling for when your ego is fragile enough to need the very best.

[Warren Verona]

Hey, I have a personality. I'm the absolute fuckin' Cult of Personality.

So take your Christmas and stick it straight up yer ass.

Happy Christmahanukwanzaa you prick bastards.

[David 'Dr. Troll' Smith]

Quote:

If I left anybody off this list, it's probably because you're comparatively worthless and beneath my notice.

This is one of those times when we win for losing.

[Neil Preston]

Merry Christmas to all! Peace on Earth and good will to all God's Creations.

[Satyr]

Originally Posted By: Machina

Pan (Goat): Elocution lessons. Those jackass mac bastards have got you so fucked-up you even type with an accent.

I appreciate the thought, but you're the one with the accent and the shite vocabulary.
(swearing every other word indeed, save it for the bedroom.)

[The White Rat]

You have brought a tear to my eye. It is such a beautiful gift. I am sure humanity will appreciate the donation, when the KAHF relieves them of ther mundane and trivial lives.

Did anyone ever tell you that you have a beautiful way with words?

[Velvet]

Hope you had a decent holiday, DX, and if not, that the next one is better. It's not much of a "gift," but since I didn't exactly have any better ideas for one of the hardest of our hardasses here, I found a couple of drinks that might suit you. I'd like to make one of them your "signature" drink at the club, if you don't mind, so next time you're in the area, feel free to stop in and test 'em out, or work the bar 'till you find one you like. Was good to meet you, either way.

[Sakurako Hino]

Vixen, I doubt he likes reading the Nova equivalent of a dirt rag.

[Machina]

Well, shame on me. Seems that in my haste to rub one out and fall asleep in a pile of empty bottles, I didn't empty my sack properly, and left a few of my favorite people out. But since I'm sober enough to remember and not-sober enough to care again, figured I'd scratch the last few names off my 'Nice' list. I guess that's what I get for not checking it twice, huh? But hey, I'm not half as fat as Santa or with half his sex drive, though I think that hairy mac bastard might fit the bill, what with his enjoying anything with a penetratable orifice bouncing up and down on his lap and telling him what they want. Anyway, I'm getting off topic, here. Just 'cause I reckon nobody ought to be forgotten on the holiday that Sextus Julius Africanus arbitrarily decided was the birthday of a fictitious massiah which Emperor Valens capitalized on to draw in the godless Pagans, I thought I'd throw in a few more. So circle round, kids, and crowd in close to uncle Machi as he empties the contents of his sack all over you.

Juggs: Thanks for the offer, and next time I'm feeling enough self-loathing to come to Chicago, I'll be sure to take you up on it. For you, I got a few crates of knock-you-on-your-ass blackout liquor, nova-strength. Not for the club; I'm sure you got a fair complement of booze already. No, this is for you. So the next time you straddle that carcass you employ, with any luck you'll be blasted enough to convince yourself it's me, instead. Try to ignore the corpse stink, Danzig can't help himself.

The-Incredible-Green-Giant-with-a-Split-Persona-who-Resembles-but-is-Legally-Distinct-from-a-Popular-Marvel-Comics-Intellectual-Property: A fifty thousand dollar legal retainer for when Smilin' Stan Lee finally sues your green ass.

Tempus Fuckit, the Time Mistress: The badass Terat time bitch who can nuke cities and travel to parallel dimensions but acts like a rookie cop when she has to ice somebody and then swears like a judge that it was "in self-defense" and cries herself to sleep at night while harboring delusions of grandeur about everyone giving a shit. Yeah. You and Totentanz against the world, bitch. For you, I got something that can make you a baseline for a little while. I suggest you use it and then travel to Detroit or Los Angeles or Havana or the Congo or Turkey so you might get it through your thick fucking skull how good you have it and how little your problems mean.

Thyroid Disorder Lad: A collection of music from the 60's, 70's, 80's, and 90's, and one of those chairs from A Clockwork Orange so you'll fucking listen to it and learn what music is, you little fucking girl.

Interchangable Furry C (the Super Anime Fantasy Jackass): I don't know. I'll mail you your membership card for the league of Nova Yiffers or something. Say 'hi' to WakiToDan's bifurcated prehensile cock for me, will you?

Sing: A new set of rose-colored glasses with side blinders, in case the old ones were wearing out.

Polyass: I signed you up for Economics classes at the local community college, because I'm still not buying what you're selling, you fucking fraud.

Da 'Shnod: A complete set of Magic; the Gathering cards!! AWESOME!!

That's it. Happy fucking New Year, dicks.

[Velvet]

Sounds like a fair trade, to me. We'll get each other smashed, talk dirty across the lounge, pass out, and forget it by the time we wake up. The best part? Neither of us has to sleep in the wet spot.

Cheers!

[Vixen]

[Loge]

Holy shit but this was funny!

[Sakurako Hino]

It's made my day. That's for sure. I'm going to make it a habit to keep coming back to this one whenever I'm feeling down.

[Sam 'The Crusader' Hill]

Well chum, I've read through your list, and I... um... well, I think that some of your recommendations seem just darned rude. I think I might be missing the meaning on at least a few of them.

But by gum, I happened by a comic book store today - well, into a comic book store, through the window, but that's another story - and wound up face to face with this "Watchmen" you mentioned. I have to say, the cover is a touch disturbing, but well, sometimes the harsh reality does have to take center-stage in any compendium of yesteryear's super-powered war on evil, and so I do accept your kind gift.

I've just dropped off the requested reply at the West Chicago Sewage Treatment Plant; they are no doubt sending it to you now by your transcoastal pneumatic tube network. Why, I had no idea that you were involved in the critical sanitation needs of this great nation; it is surely an underappreciated task, but one for which you have my thanks! I trust you will show discretion with the photograph after you have run it through your crime-fighting computer to confirm my identity.

Now I just have to find something to get you in return!

Happy Holidays,

The Crusader

[Matryoshka]

I think I have the prefect gift for you. A trip to a place where there is a prefect clone of you. You would make the best present for yourself.

[Machina]

Seeing as how that sounds like half of the best dates I've ever had, Juggs, I'll say you're on.

As for you, Super Awesome Guy, I received your request, and as promised, it's on its way. I really hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

Now, you might think a lot of those things I dispensed this year were mean. Far from it, my good man. I abide the holiday spirit by giving people what they need, not necessarily what they want. Sometimes, chum, you have to be cruel to be kind.

[Matryoshka]

Well, I will do it for you. I think whatever that will come from it would make it worth my effort.