Archer21 Posted October 21, 2003 Share Posted October 21, 2003 There is a question that many of us are asking ourselves these days, and itis this: What is the Internet and can it be of any use to a gentleman? Theanswer generally perceived to be the most accurate is: Leave the beastlything alone and your pleasant life of indolence will not be affected in theslightest. However, if curiosity does get the better of you, it isimportant that you are aware of the true potential of the Internet.The Internet has the potential to frustrate, enrage, irritate and generallycorrupt the very soul of any gent worth his salt. Should you find yourselfpowerless to resist the mild inquisitiveness provoked by all the hooh-hahsurrounding this new-fangled device, I would like to offer a few sage words,if I may, of guidance.The Internet is an extremely complicated contraption which, even when itsfunctions are explained by a competent person, still manages to remainentirely incomprehensible. Conversations on all matters relating to theInternet are apt to produce an intense throbbing about the temples, coupledwith an overwhelming desire to throw oneself out of a window.The only practical method for a gentleman to get his Martini-soaked noddlearound the concept of the Internet is to try and make a comparison betweenthe infernal piece of mechanical wizardry and his own oak-panelled study.Let us navigate our way through some of the terminology as if we wereambling our way into an afternoon steeped in the world of belles letterswithin the cosy confines of our study.LOGGING ONWhat the technophiles call "logging on to the Internet" can be compared toopening the door to one's study. Once "on-line" (or seated comfortably atyour enormous leather-covered mahogany desk) you will need to engage theservices of a "search engine". This is the technological (and thereforerather prosaic) equivalent of your eager Moroccan houseboy, whom you areoften in the habit of commanding to fetch you a slim volume of verse fromthe upper shelves of your towering personal library. The ladder which thelittle fellow willingly scampers up is referred to in Internet-speak as your"browser".When he brings the requested tome to your desk and you begin leafing throughit in search of a choice quotation, this process is what the technophilescall "searching a website". To simulate the "searching" experience with moreauthenticity, try dropping the book on the floor every now and again, orsuddenly, just as you think you are about to find the quotation you seek,snapping the book shut and losing your place. An even more dramatic note ofauthenticity can be added by tipping yourself back on your chair, falling tothe floor, knocking yourself out, and regaining consciousness with asplitting headache and bleary eyes.ELECTRONIC MESSAGESNow that you have observed some websites, you are ready to send an email.The Term "email" is an abbreviation of "esoteric mailing system". Theprocess works like this: you type a message; the message is whizzed up to amagical centre somewhere in the cosmos, and then it is bounced down to therecipient through some diabolick process. The nearest approximation in yourstudy to this process is the following: Insert a fresh sheet of BasildonBond into your Remington typewriter; without bothering to use thecapitalization or punctuation keys, bash out a brief message, abbreviatingrandom words and making sure that your spelling is appalling.For example:my deer peregrinewd luv to c u later this wknd. How about poping over one evng for a spot ofpimms and a game of cribijyourssheridanRip the completed message out of the typewriter, hand it to your footman andask him to deliver it to the address you give him. Give him a few hundredpounds in cash as well, in case the recipient lives abroad and he has tocatch an aeroplane to reach him. In such cases, request that your footmanwaits to be given a reply before returning to England.WEBCAMSThere are some highly diverting websites available that feature what areknown as "live web cams". This is techno-speak for "live kinetictransmission apparatus". The best comparison for these is the powerfultelescope you keep at the window of your study trained on the bathroomwindow of the house across the road from you. When you observe the charmingyoung lady who lives there performing her ablutions, what you are doing isthe equivalent of "logging on" to the "live web cam" of her "home page".Complete this illusion by shaking the telescope violently and occasionallyclapping your hand over the lens, and hurling a wad of ten-pound notes intothe wastepaper basket every time you see anything interesting.AN EXERCISETo really simulate the full joys of the Internet in your study, try thefollowing exercise. Come into your study at 9 am with the express intentionof checking the birth date of Lord Byron. Spend the whole morning riflingthrough hundreds of your books, keeping Youssef running up and down thestepladder until he's panting with exhaustion. Get sidetracked from yourtask by suddenly running over to the telescope, spending a fruitless 45minutes trying to train it on the right room in the house opposite, only toobserve the charming young lady's grandfather busy on the lavatory. Get backto your searches for Lord Byron's birth date, then suddenly rush out to atravel agent and book two tickets to Tunisia with no particular reduction incost. After eight hours, leave the study in a state of nervous exhaustion,having completely forgotten why you wanted to know Lord Byron's birth datein the first place.And there in a nutshell, gentlemen, you have a precise simulacrum of thejoys of the Internet. Take my advice and leave the bally thing alone.For some reason, I kept thinking of ProfPotts when I read this... ::tongue ::laugh Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
knave Posted October 21, 2003 Share Posted October 21, 2003 ::prof2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bahamut810 Posted October 21, 2003 Share Posted October 21, 2003 As a direct decendant from the Mother Land (my mom is english) I have to say...this is probably what the old people in my family back there thinks of the horridness...err....internet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ProfPotts Posted October 21, 2003 Share Posted October 21, 2003 LOL ::laugh Never could get to grips with the infernal Babbage Engine in the first place, wot? ::slyActually - replace 'house boy' with 'French maid' & I'm sold! ::blush ::wink Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
harlequin Posted November 17, 2003 Share Posted November 17, 2003 *thud**wipes tears from eyes*good one... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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