Aberrant: Stargate Universe - The State of the Heart [Complete]

[z-Olivia Jenings-Izumi]

She didn’t recall much of what happened in the days immediately following Vinny and Cam’s deaths. She remembered all of it, but some of it was not noticed by her; the bliss of shock and grief. Olivia remembered Cam’s funeral; his weeping family, the pretty blond woman who looked as stunned as Olivia felt. She remembered murmuring something to them, something trite and expected.

When it was her turn to receive trite and expected, she was barely able to handle it. Each condolence was just another nail in Vinny’s literal – if empty – coffin. The sun shone that day, a mockery from the very universe. She felt like it should have been pouring rain – as her mother said about another death, “To wash away the footsteps of the death person from the earth.” But nothing came to wash away Vinny’s footsteps; Olivia still felt them, still felt him. She needed to see a body in order to know; without it, some stupid, hopeful part of her, the part that just wouldn’t let go, waited for him to walk into rooms, cigar in his lips and smirking.

There was a rough-looking woman in a shiny new dress and handcuffs; it took Olivia five minutes to realize what that meant and who she was. Olivia considered talking to her, but wasn’t sure what to say. They had one thing in common and that was gone. There was a tattooed, skinny man who smoked throughout the ceremony and looked like he wasn’t sure he should be there. It was only after he slipped away that Olivia pieced together his features and realized that it was Andy. She realized she should have tried to find him and talk to him, but again, what would she say? She’d never met these people; due to Vinny’s isolation from his family, they had no idea who she was. And it was easier to let it go than pursue it, honestly.

Things should have gotten back to normal. But there was no normal for her; her normal had included raunchy emails and surprise hugs from behind with only the faint trace of cigar smoke for warning. Every time normal failed to be normal, she felt a new wave of grief. The third time Daniel found her with her head in her arms, weeping, he suggested she take some time off. It was something she should have considered herself. It just hadn’t occurred to her.

General Landry had already spoken to Caine and to Daniel. By the time Olivia decided that she was going to take Daniel’s advice and had decided what she was going to do, he was more than willing to hear her request. “I need some time,” she said softly.

Landry was already nodding. “As I said the day after you got back, I understand you might need to take some time off.”

Olivia frowned. “I don’t remember that,” she murmured softly, a little shaken by this failure of her perfect memory.

“I’m not sure you heard,” Landry said, his voice surprisingly gentle. “You were in shock, still. How much time do you need, Doctor?”

“I don’t know,” Olivia said honestly. “I just… I keep expecting to see him here…”

“Two months,” Landry said.

Olivia blinked. “So much?”

“It’s not going to be enough,” he told her softly, his voice full of painful knowledge. “But it’s the maximum I can spare you.”

“Thank you,” she said, hesitating. “I have another request.”

“I’m listening,” Landry said.

“I’d like to take my leave off-world, please.”

That gave the general a momentary pause. Of all the Specialists, Dr. Jenings-Izumi offered the least amount of flight risk. Her close ties to her family guaranteed she’d return to Earth. Normally, two months off-world was only offered to the most trusted of SGC members, someone like Dr. Jackson or Col. Carter. But Dr. Jenings-Izumi had proven herself, and Landry made a rapid decision: if this is what it took to get her back, it was worth the risk. Landry nodded. “I think we can arrange that.”

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

The necessary arrangements had been easily made, and the next morning, Olivia hugged Yse, Kyria and Aradia. As the three told her to take care, Olivia nodded. “I will,” she promised, lifting her bag higher on her shoulder. “I’ll be home before you know it.”

As they watched her go, she walked up the ramp and entered the wormhole, its cool sensation tugging at her nerves and pulling at her skin. Then she was stepping out into the sun on an alien world. She put up a hand to shield her eyes, immediately spotting her host. She walked forward, fighting tears. “Vinny’s dead,” she said, her voice cracking as she began to cry.

“I know,” Jonas Quinn said and opened his arms. Olivia collapsed into the comfort he offered, weeping the choking sobs of the broken-hearted.

[z-Olivia Jenings-Izumi]

Grieving was a hard, tiring process. Olivia had never lost someone she really cared about, and to lose Vinny after all they’d already suffered through just made it that much harder. She’d really hoped for happiness with him and being denied that left her feeling empty and hollow. Had they broken up, she could have known that he was alive and pursuing happiness somewhere else. But he was dead, there were no second chances and no appeals.

The first week on Langara was a blur of misery for Olivia. She was consumed by grief, and no matter how much she tried not to mope, she failed. Jonas was patient with her, allowing her to do what she needed, when she needed. He made it clear that his door was open to her, but he never pushed her for more than she was willing to give.

Jonas’ people were just as careful as he was around her. Most of the time, they didn’t know that she was not Langaran; her eidetic memory and knowledge allowed her to blend well among the scientists whom were Jonas’ primary acquaintances. She suspected that Jonas had told them about her; they were kind and gentle to her. She caught them avoiding certain subjects more than once. Normally, she would have been embarrassed that they didn’t think she was capable of handling these emotions; now, she was quietly grateful.

But she couldn’t remain this way forever. One day, she was working in Brie’s lab, helping the archeologist categorize artifacts from a dig. The woman was bright and cheerful, nearly overwhelmingly so. She was also witty and intelligent. Today, she was on a roll, bringing out zinger after zinger until Olivia was sagging against the counter, laughing so hard she was crying.

A second later, she realized she was having fun. Instantly, she felt guilty, though she knew it was ridiculous to feel that way. Vinny was dead, but she wasn’t; even he would be moving on had she died. Still, it didn’t stop the sinking feeling and it did stop her laughter.

Brie’s laughter stopped, her expression becoming soft and sympathetic. “Tell you what,” she said softly. “I’ll go get us some tea, ok?”

Translation: I’ll give you a moment to grieve alone, Olivia thought. “Wait, I’ll come with,” she said, managing a smile. “I’d like some tea, and I think you mentioned a story earlier… something about Kerren and a gift of jam?”

Brie giggled and held the door for her as they left the room. “Yes, you wouldn’t believe this one,” she informed Olivia before launching into the promised story.

Life went on, and Olivia was determined that so would she. No matter how hard it was.

[z-Olivia Jenings-Izumi]

Olivia sometimes wondered what the others were doing. But Jonas kept her too busy to wonder for long. There was a massive dig happening at the major city for Langaria, and Jonas was right in the heart of it. He’d gotten himself assigned as the government representative doing oversight of the dig, which made him happy. “I like serving my people, but giving them knowledge is the greatest service,” he said more than once. Olivia could see the truth; he might feel compelled to be part of the stabilizing forces in his government, but he missed being in the heart of something exciting.

The days were long, hot and dusty, but Olivia didn’t mind. At night, she would come back to her tent, grab a towel and go for a dip in the river with all the other women. They’d talk and gossip and soak in the chill water until it was too cold, then walk back to the tents for a late meal. The hard work was good for her; it kept her from thinking and when she finally stopped in the evening, she usually collapsed into sleep.

One morning, she was clearing some rock off an artifact she’d found. It was a slow, careful process. The artifact was almost the same color as the rock, and she’d long since set aside the laser cutter and trowel for a pick. She chipped the rock away in small flakes, taking her time, allowing herself to focus utterly. For hours she worked, intent and utterly controlled. Her work was rewarded when she worked the small stone statue free.

Olivia sat up, triumphant. Her first thought was that she would have to show this to Jonas. A moment, she realized that she hadn’t thought of Vinny first. She had, up to this point. It had been nearly three weeks since he had died, and she realized that she wasn’t looking for him anymore.

Tears splashed on her hands. She honestly felt like she’d betrayed him, by replacing him so quickly. A shadow fell over her, and she heard Jonas say, “Olivia?”

“I found this,” she said softly. “I…” She wasn’t sure how to explain why she was crying.

Jonas knelt and carefully took it out of her hand. “This is lovely,” he said. He was quiet, to give her time to gather herself.

“I wanted you to see it,” she said, giving him a smile. She wiped her eyes and added, “I thought you’d like to see it, and that’s ok.”

“Thank you,” he said, still cradling it in his hands. He waited patiently until she had wiped her face and stood. Together, they walked to the artifact tent to give her find over to be curated.

[z-Olivia Jenings-Izumi]

“Olivia. Olivia?”

Jonas’s voice broke her out of her reverie. Startled, the specialist glanced at him before blushing a little. “Sorry,” she sighed. “I was a million miles away.”

Jonas looked across the courtyard at the family sitting at the table across the way. A mother, father and a daughter were all eating together at a café table, much like he and Olivia were enjoying a celebratory dinner at their seat. It wasn’t hard to guess where her thoughts had been going, especially not with that slight mistiness in her eyes. He just looked at her, and Olivia knew what he was thinking.

“I don’t know if I want to talk about it,” she said. She’d talked a lot to Jonas in the last few days. Her grief had finally broken enough for her to speak about it, but she was sure he was getting tired of listening to her mope about her sorrow and regrets. Vinny would have snapped days ago and told her to get over it, or just carried her off to bed to work it out of her system. “I’ve done nothing but talk about it! I’m kinda sick of myself, at this point.”

“If you don’t want to talk, you certainly don’t have to say anything,” Jonas said gently.

Something about his reply annoyed her. “Why don’t you snap at me to get over it?” she asked. She was aware that not all men were like Vinny, but she was starting to feel a little coddled. Maybe even a little like she was being condescended to.

Jonas looked a little surprised. “Is that what you want?”

“No. Yes! I don’t know, maybe!” Olivia snapped, getting more upset.

“I can try-”

“I don’t know if that’s what I want!” Olivia snarled, pulling fingers through her hair. Where was all this anger and ridiculous outrage coming from? Why was she feeling this way? She shouldn’t be mad at Jonas. He was trying to help, so why should she prefer Vinny’s questionable help. After all, Jonas hadn’t been so suspicious and untrusting that he had to go to the other ship and get blown up! He wasn’t the kind of person who thought that tough love was actually supposed to be painful. Jonas was kind and caring, and exactly the kind of person everyone wanted in this situation – everyone but her. “I do. I want Vinny to be here. I want the ship to have not blown up! I want him alive and well and pissing me off! It’s not fair.”

She pointed at the family, who hadn’t yet noticed. “If I had been stronger, that would be us. Things would have been different, better. We would have had a family, we might never have gotten mixed up in the SGC, he would probably still be alive. I hate that I love him so much, and all I’ll ever have of him again are some stupid memories. Far too short, and half of them painful. It isn’t fair!”

Rage at the universe boiled up in her, and the list of people to be mad at increased. Cam for taking the damned machine and then dragging Vinny to death. Vinny for dying. Kyria for sensing him, being closer to him at the moment of his death than Olivia could be. The SGC for existing. The Gou’ald for their damned war. The IOA for pushing them to the point where the specialists had to destroy the machine to keep it from them. Cam again, for his stupid failure of an idea. The Asgard, for breeding themselves to the point of extinction. At Jonas, for never getting mad at her for being such a whiner. At herself, for not stopping Vinny. All her knowledge, and she couldn’t have foreseen that this was a disaster. That she hadn’t known that the universe had it in for them. And at the whole damned universe, whatever operated it, for not letting them have more than a few weeks of joy together. For not letting them try for a lifetime together. They had fucking earned it; it was theirs and it had been torn away for nothing! No great battle, no lives saved, just an accident on a ship doomed to die anyway.

Enraged, she bounded to her feet, but had nowhere to go. Jonas rose with her, his eyes concerned for her. She ignored him, fighting the urge to lash out or run or just… something! Anything other than stand here and cry! She was walking, not sure where she was going, just walking and failing not to sob. She was aware that Jonas was following her, but she ignored him, looking for something to be angry at. But there was nothing and she finally had to make do with a poor substitution: a branch and a tree in the park.

Jonas stood back and watched as she beat the branch against the tree until it snapped in her hands, drawing a rare curse out of her from the pain. But the exertion had done one thing; it had expended the rage, to a degree. Olivia sagged to her knees, holding her aching hands, weeping.

Gentle hands took her by the shoulders and drew her forward; Olivia leaned against Jonas without argument or complaint. “It’s not fair,” she whispered. “It’s not fair.”

“No,” he whispered, his hands rubbing her back like she was a child. “It’s not.”

[z-Olivia Jenings-Izumi]

Olivia sat down in the lab chair, staring down at the tiny pieces scattered before her. While she loved this kind of work, she was tired of this particular bit of it. The vase had been thoroughly shattered and it was exacting work to piece them together. She sighed, rubbed her forehead and started to focus-

“Hey, darlin’.”

That was a voice she hadn’t heard in a while – too long. It was a voice taken from her, ripped away by an uncaring universe. Olivia turned, her eyes wide, her face disbelieving – but there he was. Vinny grinned at her, his unlit cigar in his lips. “Vinny?” she asked, her voice cracking on his name.

“Fuckin’ think a blown up ship could keep me down?” he asked, amused by the bald shock on her face.

“But… Kyria… you were dead!” Olivia said, feeling her world swim. Suddenly, she realized she was questioning his presence rather than enjoying it, and she dashed across the room.

He caught her and swept her off her feet, giving her a kiss that was just as hungry as the one she gave him. “Fuckin’ grey bastards,” he said, only to interrupt himself to bend and kiss her again. Olivia wanted to hear the story, hear of this miracle, but she didn’t want to stop kissing him, feeling the hard muscles of his arms under her hand, or the contrast softness of his short hair as she buried her fingers in it. “Found a way to bring me back.”

“Cloning?” Olivia asked, right before their lips connected again.

Vinny snorted as she drew back to take a breath. “Fuckin’ woulda killed ‘em for doin’ that. Some temporal spatial thing,” he said, before bending to kiss her again. Olivia felt the tears come then – tears of relief, joy and more, all cascading out of her like a river. “Fuckin’ tears? Should be a parade!”

Olivia laughed, pure and happy. “No parade,” she purred, “I had something else in mind.” This time, the kiss was different – just as hungry, but hot enough to scorch the walls of the room they stood in.

“Got a room?” Vinny asked, his eyes wide with that nearly desperate look she loved to see on his face.

“Yeah,” she said, taking his hand. Turning, she headed for her room-

The alarm intruded, and for a moment, she thought they were under attack. Then she realized what it was. “No!” she whined, but he was already gone. Olivia woke up weeping, clutching the pillow to her face as she rocked back and forth. She’d had dreams that he was still alive before, but none were so cruel as to bring him back.

“Please,” she sobbed, begging. “Please, God, whoever, whatever, I want him back! Please! Please!” She tumbled out of the bed, hitting the floor on her knees with her hands clasped. “Ancients, you can do things like this, tell me! Tell me you can get him back! You’re the Ancients, you ascended and you brought Daniel back! Why can’t you do the same for Vinny?

“Please!” The room was silent, and Olivia pushed herself to her feet. The Asgard! The dream had been trying to tell her something. The Asgard could help her!

An hour later, she listened dully as Freya assured her that there was nothing that they could do, other than clone him. “We do have his genetic information on file, but we do not have access to his memories,” the Asgard told her bluntly. “It would be him physically, but with none of his personality.”

Olivia choked back tears. “Thank you.” Jonas, who had agreed to come with her, put his arm over her shoulders. She knew he’d come to humor her. Together, they walked back to the StarGate, Olivia crying softly as her hopes were dashed.

[z-Olivia Jenings-Izumi]

Olivia’s acceptance of the Asgard’s inability to help had drawn all of the life out of her. She stopped taking an interest in the Langorian digs that she had been so active in, and wasn’t making an effort to do anything. Showering became optional; food non-existent. She did both when someone, usually Jonas, nudged her to do so, but it was clear that she had no interest in her own basic functions.

Jonas made efforts to cheer her up, but they were not that effective. He’d try, she’d feebly respond, and for a moment, it would seem to be better. But the moment his attention turned away, she would slip right back into grief. Nothing seemed important or worth the effort anymore. She wanted someone like Vinny to come along and snap her out of it with hard words, but there was no one like that here. Most of the time, she just wished people would leave her alone.

It was a pleasure when they started doing that. No one pushed her to do anything other than the basics; Jonas pulled her around with him, but he didn’t try to cheer her up or engage her. He was just there, in case she needed anything. Olivia didn’t need anything.

The honest truth was that she did need something, but no one could give it to her.

[z-Olivia Jenings-Izumi]

The calendar kept drawing her eye back to it. Olivia wasn’t sure why; it was a Langorian calendar but that wasn’t the issue. Conversion into the Western world’s Julian calendar was very easy, once you knew the formula. It was one of the first things she’d learned here.

Adrenaline spiked as awareness hit her like a sledge hammer. “Oh, god, Jonas!” Olivia shouted.

The Langorian had been sprawled on his couch reading a report, but at her cry, he popped to his feet. “What? What’s wrong?” he asked as she dashed to her room.

“I was due back to duty last week!” Olivia said, terror at being found AWOL bubbling up in her gut like hot acid. She tossed her suitcase on the bed and began to throw things into it. “I’m in deep trouble!”

“Olivia, please be calm,” Jonas said softly, reaching out and physically restraining her in her mad rush to pack. “I spoke to the General last week on your behalf. He gave you another two weeks. I told you, remember?”

Olivia froze, looking up at him, tears rising in her eyes. “No, no, I don’t,” she whispered – but even as she said that, a fuzzy memory pushed to the forefront.

“I did,” Jonas said. Her body went limp from relief and he eased her to the floor. “You’re alright, you’re not in trouble.” His voice was gentle and soothing and she began to shake from the echoes of shock.

The young specialist shivered for a long moment before pulling herself together. “I’ve lost it, really lost it,” she said softly, rubbing the hem of her shirt between her forefinger and thumb. “I’ve just fallen apart.”

Jonas nodded. “You’ll pull it back together,” he told her and just like almost everything else he said, she believed him.

“I have to,” the dark-skinned woman murmured. “I have a job. A family. A life.”

“You have to heal yourself, first.” The Langorian’s arms were a comfort as he hugged her. He’d become so familiar to her, and she leaned into the strength he offered. But instead of taking his gift and dumping it down the black hole of her grief, she pulled it to herself.

“I have to remember that,” she said softly. “When it hurts, or gets hard to think. I need to remember that I didn’t die, that I’m alive, and I can’t live like I’m dead.”

Jonas smiled; she couldn’t see it with her head against his shoulder like this, but she could hear it. “I think Vinny would agree.”

Olivia laughed weakly. “He’d be kicking my ass right now,” she murmured.

“He’d be kicking mine, for not kicking yours,” Jonas replied.

“I’ll miss him,” Olivia sighed. “I’ll always regret having lost him.” But she hadn’t lost herself, not yet. And it was time to start remembering that.

[z-Olivia Jenings-Izumi]

Olivia only had four days before she was due back for duty. Part of her felt like she needed to go back; she’d done well here, turning the worst of her grief into a dull ache. But another part of her still felt unfinished, incomplete. She was very sure that there’d always be a hole in her heart, now.

Jonas had made it clear that she’d be welcome to stay longer. Olivia was grateful for his kindness, but she was very sure that she needed to get back to the SGU before Marines arrived to “escort” her back. Uncle Sam had been generous to her – more generous than some employers would have been.

She just dreaded returning to the place where she rediscovered their relationship. The gray halls would be barren for her, lifeless. She knew that it was purely emotional and not at all logical, but she knew it would be harder to grieve there. He should be there, in those walls, and she’d feel his absence like a knife in her heart.

Still, the specialist knew she was ready. Staying here was just delaying the moment when she’d have to exist without him. She did that already, but the sensation was diluted on Langoria. It would be striking her full-force at home; there would be no barrier from the non-Vinny-ness in her life.

She found herself talking with Jonas more, the words rushing out as her time with him rushed away. Olivia spoke about her regrets and fears; her hopes and dashed dreams. She spoke of Vinny; of her time at school; even of the bad year where she met Vinny, gave up the baby and was raped. All of those were spoken of, as if to heal from Vinny she needed to heal from it all.

There was something picking at her mind, and it wasn’t until she murmured, “I wished I’d been brave enough to have the baby,” that the pieces clicked into place. Olivia lapsed into silence as her eyes went wide with realization.

“Olivia?” Jonas asked, his voice filled with alarm. The look that filled Olivia’s eyes – the wild hope that was slowly growing in her expression was worrisome to someone who thought she was past this point.

“That’s… even if he had died, we still would have still had the baby, the child. That’s where I messed up,” Olivia said. Her dark eyes were alight with fire and hope; Jonas started to say something, but he hadn’t seen that light in her eyes since she’d arrived here. “But I can fix that!”

Jonas had reason to look nervous. “Olivia, what do you mean?”

Olivia shook her head; not in negation, but to erase what she’d said and start over. “I mean, the Asgard can’t bring Vinny back. But they have his DNA on record, and they have the time dilation device.” She reached out and caught his hands, her small, dark hands holding tight to him. “Please Jonas, please, I need you to help me on this.” Speaking quickly, she laid out her plan to him.

An hour later, they were speaking to Freya again. The Asgard swept blond hair over her shoulder and said, “I mean, we can do all that you asked, but I don’t understand the need for it.”

Olivia clasped her hands tight in her lap and said, “I want, more than anything, to have something of Vinny. I know I can’t have him, that he’s dead and gone.” Her throat tightened at that, but she pushed on to the next statement. “So I want his child. Due to the birth control I was on, that didn’t happen while he was alive. I could just have you mix our genetic material and implant it, but I need the time dilation device to age us forward three months, so that no one knows that there’s anything unusual about him or her. I want the baby to be a miracle of biology over medicine, not Asgard engineering.”

“But does that matter?”

“It does to me,” Olivia said softly. “He or she will have enough going against them; they won’t need this, too.”

“Why would you bring a child into that?” Freya asked.

Olivia blinked but held her chin up as she admitted, “Because I’m selfish enough to want to have this piece of him and I know that. It’s what I want.”

The Asgard nodded; Olivia wondered if she really understood or just feigned acceptance. “Very well, Olivia Jenings-Izumi, we will do as you request.” Olivia sagged with relief, a grateful smile crossing her face. “We must begin, if you are to be home in four days.”

“Thank you,” Olivia said, appreciation in her eyes.

Jonas caught her arm. “Olivia, are you sure?” he asked; he looked very worried. “This is a big decision. With the time dilation, you’ll have some more time to think. Motherhood, especially single motherhood, is a big challenge.”

“I know,” Olivia said, looking calm. Despite Jonas’ misgivings, if all he had to go on was the way she looked right now, he’d have to think that this was the right course. She looked not just calm, but happy. Eager. The gaze that held his wasn’t distorted by grief or filled with frenzy; she looked like someone stepping back onto the path she’d lost long ago. Jonas could only pray that she was.

“You can bring us back to the same moment we left, right?” Jonas asked Freya.

“Of course,” Freya answered.

“Then I’ll come with you,” Jonas offered. If this couldn’t work; if there were setbacks, Olivia would need a friend. And he’d lose no time, so his duties wouldn’t be neglected.

“Jonas… you’ve done so much for me, already,” Olivia said, her voice rising in half-hearted protest.

“Months of vacation without months of back-logged work?” Jonas laughed, only half serious. “Sounds like you’d be doing me a favor, Olivia.” His voice dropped and became pitched for her ears alone. “I told Daniel I’d watch over you, and I won’t leave you to do this alone.”

“Daniel? He told you to watch over me?” Olivia asked, confused and slightly hurt. She thought that Jonas had been doing this for her, not Daniel.

“Not in so many words,” Jonas assured her solemnly. “And he didn’t need to even imply as much as he did. You’re my friend and I would have done it anyway.”

Olivia hugged him, wrapping her arms tightly around his waist. “Thank you,” she murmured into his chest. “Thank you.”

“It was my pleasure,” Jonas answered, hugging her in return. When Freya told them things were ready, the two friends went together, leaving grief for a new life.