Aberrant: Stargate Universe - The Extra Man [FIN]

[The Red Man]

He felt her press against him, the feeling heightened by his emotional connection to her. Everything he wanted, everything that would validate him and make him feel human, show him that he wasn't simply a killing machine with an off-switch, that he could offer the most basic of needs to another human being: comfort, desire, companionship; it was all right here.

Her hands on his belt rang a bell in his mind. *Wait... This is wrong... I don't want to...* He moaned in his chest as Livy kissed him with increasing ardour, wanting to pull away so he could try to slow things down, but her lips held his as though they belonged together. *She's supposed to stop this... I can't. I want her too much!*

*Toughen the fuck up, man! We can't do this: we'll be a rebound fuck and she'll regret it. You want that?!*

*But...*

*I'm telling you to quit it. Right here and now, doin' the nasty will only hurt her. Dammit! You want her to be avoiding looking you in the eyes forever? Better hurry, she's almost got her hands on Mr Happy!*

Livy had indeed finally wrestled the belt open with a small purring growl of triumph, her lust-hazed eyes looking into his with a small smile of promise as her hands started to unbutton his jeans. At least she had broken the kiss, letting Dec take a deep breath (which unfortunately still contained a lot of her sweet fragrance). But it was enough, and hating himself, hating Red, hating the Air Force and the Artifact and the men who'd messed Livy around and most of all hating that he was about to be one of them, he closed his grasp gently but firmly over her wrists and tugged her hands away from his jeans, holding them up between them.

"Livy..." He said in a hoarse voice, his pupils dark circles surrounded by a faint band of silver. "We can't do this. Sleep together, I mean." He swallowed, his eyes looking into hers. "It's... I want to, more than anything I want to. Please get that I'm not choosin' the unit, the Army, the Air Scouts, or even apple pie over you. I'd walk out of the unit tomorrow to be with you. Hell, I'd have my resignation on Caine's desk tonight." His gaze fell, sad frustration on his features. "But it'd be wrong for you. I'd be wrong for you. I... care too much about you to let you do somethin' you'll regret in the mornin'. I don't want to not see you again because you couldn't look at me anymore."

He kept his gaze lowered, not wanting to see the hurt he was causing, broad shoulders tensing as he waited for the worst. "I figured out a new way to use that vision of mine and it worked. I wanted to please you, to make you feel as special as you are to me. I didn't expect it to get outta control. I'm sorry, Livy."

[z-Olivia Jenings-Izumi]

Shame. That was the only word for what Olivia felt at that moment. She stared blankly at Declan for a moment, but he could see her rationality returning with each and every word. The second he was done, she clambered backwards, climbing off of him. "I..." Tears burned as she realized just how badly she'd messed up. "'Scuse me," she muttered and moved to her bedroom. At the door, she paused and, with her back to him, murmured, "Please don't go... be a moment."

She didn't wait for his acknowledgment, because she was losing the fight with her own self-revulsion. Hatchins had been right, all along. She wasn't a good person, a good woman. She was an awful person, who couldn't control herself long enough to help a friend who needed help. She should have let Caine observe. She should have at least tried to let him observe. He could chaperone and keep her from messing up again.

She stepped between her bed and the dresser, then sank down, hugging her knees to her chest. She'd just released the tears when she heard the door open; she looked up to see that Declan hadn't listened. She'd actually been trying to keep him from leaving her apartment, but this wasn't what she wanted either. "Declan," she choked, looking at him helplessly. "What...?"

[The Red Man]

He didn't say anything right away, just came over and knelt beside her, studying her face with his darkened eyes. He was still in the bottom edges of the Zone, his gaze compassionate as it never could be otherwise no matter what he felt. Right now, he saw his friend in pain, shame and anguish written all over her face. He wouldn't turn away from that. He turned and plopped down next to her, turning to put his back against the bed, and started to reach over to her with one arm.

"Don't." Olivia half-told, half-pleaded with him, and Dec froze for an instant before nodding and letting his arm fall to his side.

"Okay." He answered. "But don't ask me not to be here for you. I'm the one that's ashamed, Livy. Not for how I feel about you or what I did, but for what I'm seeing now. I don't want to hurt you. I never wanted to hurt you." He took a deep breath, then let it out, his eyes on the front of her dresser.

"You've had guys messin' you around for too long. Caine bein' married to the service, that lyin' ass Wright, what happened before..." He paused, and she saw his fists clench on his knees, the knuckles whitening for a moment as his face paled slightly. Strangely, his voice took on a slightly different timbre, as though another tone was blending with Declan's quiet voice. "... before we met. So we just wanted to be a guy who wouldn't mess you around. We're never gonna lie to you. We won't tell you somethin' is one way when it's another. We won't hurt you, ever. We... Shit..." Dec tilted his head back against the bed and looked up at the ceiling.

"It's so hard for us to say it. Because if we say it, the right thing to do would be to ask to be assigned to another team. And that means we wouldn't see you. And that would fuckin' kill us, not bein' with you." He rolled his head towards her, his expression somewhere between Dec's shy gloomy tenderness and Red's sardonic predatory intensity. "But you need to know it even if we can't say it. So do the math, Doc. What's the thing we can't say out loud to you? What do our eyes tell you?"

Around the still slightly-dilated pupils, the shimmer and dance of sparkling silver that denoted Red's presence was clearly visible. The gaze held compassion and passion in its depths as two souls looked into Livy's eyes. Ruthless killer and gentle friend, Red and Dec were one in this moment.

[z-Olivia Jenings-Izumi]

Olivia wasn't dumb; she saw what was in his strangely mixed eyes. And it only made it worse, because he deserved better than her. She couldn't address that though, not right now when her shame was so thick she could choke on it. She just shook her head and cried for a bit longer. She wanted his comfort, but she knew now that she didn't have the self-control to keep from mauling him. So she hugged herself tighter and fought for enough calm to talk.

"Declan... I don't know what to say," she whispered. "I'm at fault here. Both times you've done... given me a back rub, I've lost it. He told me that I was... bad, they all did, and they're right. No, don't," she said, holding up her hand. "Just... let me finish.

"I've done this before," she said, "run to another man after one hurt me. You don't deserve that, you don't deserve me. You told me that someday, I'll do great things. I know that someday, you'll be in control of yourself, completely. And when that day comes, you'll be in a leadership position here in SGC. You'll be leading your own team, and saving lives, freeing people around the universe. Your people will look up to you, and you'll protect them - you and Red together. You'll be loved and admired, and a great leader. And if I could help you become that person, I would have done something cool for someone awesome.

"I want to help you become that person, but I can't do it," she said, finally looking at him. "Conditioning is a good idea, really good, but you should get someone else to help you." She started to cry again, stupidly because she didn't want him to run off and do this with someone else. It was her idea... and he was her Declan. It was so stupid - she was so stupid.

[The Red Man]

Once more he went to put his arm around her. She stiffened and tried to pull away, shaking her head, but Dec was not to be deflected. He curled one arm around her waist and the other under her legs and lifted her like a child onto his lap, cradling her head against him as one hand stroked her hair. It was too much to resist, the answer to her needs and wants, and Olivia Jenings-Izumi wrapped her arms around his neck, turned her face into that broad chest and cried tears of shame and sorrow as she realised the truth of the dangerous, gentle, probably-psychotic-by-any-normal-standards man holding her. He wouldn't pay attention when she told him she was soiled, dirty, bad. He wouldn't let go. He'd never see her that way, even if she saw herself that way. He'd all but said he loved her. And she didn't deserve it. Why didn't he see that?

She calmed after awhile, more poison leached out by another flood of cleansing tears. She reflected that this was the second t-shirt of his she had soaked in as many nights, but strangely the thought was good for a small, sad smile rather than embarrassment as she nestled against him a little while longer. His heart was like a slow bass throb in her ears, each mighty beat sending warm life coursing through him and, somehow, into her. It was like listening to the drumbeat of the universe in that small still moment.

For Declan, the feel of Olivia in his arms somehow made him feel whole. There was the SG teams, the General, the Major, the Goa'uld and all the other threats outside the circle of their arms. Sometime soon they would return to that world. He knew that: he didn't want to shirk his responsibility to the team, to Caine. But the woman in his arms right now was the single most important thing to him beyond everything else. He told himself it was okay: that as long as they never said those words, they could keep being teammates. *Who the hell makes the damn fool rules anyway? Some heartless bastard who forgot what love is right after they first got laid?*

"Livy." He murmured her name into her hair, her eyes half-closing at the sound of his voice. "I..." He seemed to want to say something more, but hesitated.

[z-Olivia Jenings-Izumi]

Olivia was worn out. She remembered the last time she'd been this tired, after her three-day-long break-up with Sean. It hadn't been so bad in itself, but the back and forth over seventy-two hours had been emotionally devastating. That'd been her last attempt at a relationship, when she'd finally realized her issues would drive away any sane man. Mirthlessly, she laughed; unfortunately, her sardonic laugh was poorly timed with Declan's faltering statement.

"Sorry," she murmured, "just a dark thought." She sighed softly and said, "We're stuck here. In this situation." It was so much like what she'd experienced with Caine, yet so different. Caine had just chosen for them what would happen. Here, each was convinced that the other was too good for them, an endless cycle of repression and guilt. "We'll just have to... cope. With this. I want to be on your team. It'd be easier to not be, but I can't imagine not going out with you and Gwyn and Damien. We are a team. I've never belonged to any group like this before, and I don't want to lose it. So... we'll just... know how we feel, and we'll be adults about it."

She took a deep shuddering breath. "I take it... you don't want to have someone else conditioning you? You want me to keep doing it?"

"Yes." The response was instant and without hesitation.

"Then here are the rules." Olivia swallowed hard. "You can't initiate anything touching me. No genital contact of any variety, no oral contact of any kind. Any violation of the rules means that we stop. And we're both responsible for upholding those rules. No matter who breaks the rules, we both have to stop. I want to help you, and this kind of start and stop... Physically it's rough; emotionally it's killer. So this is for your... no, our own good." She tilted her head up and looked at him. "Think you can work with that?"

[The Red Man]

He considered that as he looked into her eyes, his expression thoughtful as he mulled it over. Livy noticed the fading luster in his gaze: she knew, told herself that it was just Red receding again, but combined with the shrinking of Dec's pupils it looked for all the world as if he were dying inside as he considered her conditions. Finally, he nodded once, slowly, and shifted his eyes away.

"I can work with that, Doc." He said quietly before gathering his legs under him and slowly standing with her in his arms, his balance perfect. He held her for one moment more, then set her down gently on her feet. "We'd better go back out to the couch, huh?" He smiled faintly at her and turned to walk out into her main area.

[z-Olivia Jenings-Izumi]

"Declan," she said softly, stopping him. She reached for him, but dropped her hand, not sure she trusted herself to touch him. "I... you know why I said what I said about you initiating contact? It's because I apparently... can't control myself when you do." She almost mumbled the last. He could hear her embarrassment when she said that; she prided herself on control and admitting that hurt. But she wasn't sure what he thought about her request, and she didn't want him to think the wrong thing.

"It's not you, really," she insisted, finally putting a hand on his arm. "It's me... not being calm or cool enough. Nothing do to with you, or well, everything to do with how you make me feel." Her face darkened and she looked uncomfortable. "I'm just trying to limit the dangerous aspects, to make this work for you."

[The Red Man]

His head lowered as she touched his arm, and Olivia could feel his arm tense then relax as he almost leaned into her touch. "You make me crazy too." He said in a low tone, his eyes on the floor looking away from her. "Can't pretend otherwise. Wouldn't want it otherwise. It's a good kind of crazy. Makes me want to hold you and make you feel good, and take away everything bad." He looked at her then, his gaze stoic. "But I can't do that. What I can do is focus on what's important: getting a trigger in place to help you and the team if needed so I'm not a liability." He gave her a smile, the expression bittersweet.

"I won't touch, okay? I don't want to cause you problems or make you uncomfortable. I keep forgetting what... what's happened to you before. I just wish I didn't remind you of that... But it's cool. I won't beat myself up over what I can't change. I'll be a better friend for you in the present." He smiled more warmly at her, then took her hand. "C'mon, lets go work, huh?"

[z-Olivia Jenings-Izumi]

She didn't say anything as he led her back into the living area or as she had him sit on the floor in front of the couch. She sat behind him and put her hands on his shoulders. They'd changed so much in the last few hours; this comparatively innocent touch seemed charged with more than it had been. God, Olivia thought to herself, her hands resting quiet on him, even this makes me want more.

"You don't remind me of Hatchins or his friends," she murmured, leaning forward. "You haven't for a while, not since I saw how... much you hated hurting people. I don't see you as dangerous."

Her fingertips were tingling. She needed to get laid and get this out of her system. I'm sure Vinny would be agreeable to that, she sighed. "Green hand," she whispered, and started to knead his shoulders.

[The Red Man]

He tried to relax, his shoulder muscles shifting as he did so under her touch. He remembered how it had felt when she had wrapped her arms around him, her hands on his shoulders in a different way, caressing him as though she could never get enough of feeling his body. He remembered how she had felt under his hands, her body pressing against his palms appreciatively like a pampered cat. He licked his lips, still remembering her kiss, knowing that he could turn towards Livy and touch her once more and she would surrender to the truth of his feelings for her...

And then hate herself when she should be hating him.

"Maybe I'm dangerous no matter who's drivin'." He said quietly with a wry chuckle as he relaxed a little under her careful, tender kneading. He wanted to curl up and just exist in this moment and pretend that it was more than a simple conditioning exercise, that she knew and accepted his love for her: unconditional and unhesitating. He didn't care if she didn't feel the same way. He took solace in being close to Livy, being her friend, in knowing her better than most if not all, in being hers in a way that he would try to make sure no-one would ever know. Not even her.

Especially not her.

[z-Olivia Jenings-Izumi]

“I know dangerous,” Olivia said softly. “You’re not dangerous.” She was quiet, her hands working but her thoughts a million miles – or several years – away. After a moment, she said, “Dangerous is hurting people because it’s fun, making them do whatever you want because you can. It’s destroying their life for a laugh.

“Even when you’ve killed before, you were a soldier, and doing a job,” Olivia said. “You may have… Red may have liked what he did, but it wasn’t pointless or for his own sick pleasure.” Her jaw clenched as she debated saying more, but this wasn’t the place. She was supposed to be conditioning him to relaxation, not agitating him.

Realizing she’d been running on autopilot, she moved her hands, slipping them up into his hair and gently massaging his scalp. She forced her mind to the task, listening to his heartbeat and waiting to hear that upswing in cadence that signaled that she was having an effect. Privately, she doubted that she could do it tonight – after all that happened, the “sexy” might not be here.

[The Red Man]

Despite his sadness, he found her touch soothing him, relaxing his tired soul as she now and then murmured the control phrase into his ear. His heartrate raised increment by increment as Livy let herself go a little more, running her hands over his shoulders and down his front as far as his hardened chest muscles before retreating back to safer ground.

But there was a barrier there, cast up by the wounds that each carried on their psyches. They each leaned against that barrier as they leaned against each other, holding to that separation they were imposing on themselves out of perceived necessity. It would be so easy to break through... but both were afraid of the consequences; strangely enough, the same consequences: of being despised or thought less of by the other. Right or wrong, neither could say nor cared to explore. What sufficed was that just being around the other made them feel better, made them feel comforted in ways that neither had experienced for a long time.

The "sexy" was not altogether there tonight, but there was something else as both relaxed together. Neither fully noticed, of course.

People are funny that way, even super-people.