Aberrant: 2011 - Feedback for Thicker Than Blood

[z-Kara]

This fiction is designed to show Kara's family life, as well as wrap up the Ramm arc It will span a couple of weeks, so please be patient; I plan to post things on the day that they happen, more or less.

I've worked on this for months, and I'd appreciate any feedback, so long as it's constructive.

Thanks in advance for any thoughts or opinions.

[Ravenshire]

I'm torn between wanting to say "Flawless" and wanting to see more of an effect of Kara's Mega-Appearance on her family: The whole nova MegaSocial thing effecting even those who know you best. Still, MegaSocials are not the end-all/be-all so I'll bend toward Flawless.

It reminds me of the writing by Gabe between Gabe and the homeless mother in Stranger Through the Glass.

[z-Kara]

Thanks. I hope I can keep the quality up throughout the next four (after the one tonight) installments.

[z-Kara]

The next two parts of TTB go or have already gone up tonight; I'd appreciate feedback on them, particularly on the combat scene.

[Ravenshire]

The fight scene felt predictable. I never had the feeling the outcome was in doubt. Ramm was powerful until you needed him not to be powerful and clever until you needed him to not be clever. This is the same criminal who has been successfully dodging both the Directive and this other (Proteus) organization?

The scene were she mentally resists Ramm's influence is in the same vein. Ramm was there with her when she erupted. A war of Kara's will versus' Ramm's quantum powers ... a see-saw battle, could have been better played out. As it is, Kara is a prisoner until its no longer convenient for her to be one.

There was a solution built into the story. Kara wins by holding out, both mentally and physically, until help arrives. Kara has quite a will (plus Psychic Shield), after all. The story then becomes one of heroic resistance instead of retribution (not that Ramm doesn't have it coming).