Call of Cthulhu Survival Tips

[Matt]

Someone sent me a file containing the following and it got a chuckle from the Chosen One so I thought I'd share/

<hr>In a game like Call of Cthulhu, where the average lifespan of a player character is less than that of a mayfly, pointers a needed to stay on top of things.<hr>Have you just inherited a mansion whose previous owner went mad, died horribly or simply vanished? Never ever sleep in the master bedroom, explore the unmapped caverns beneath the cellar and never try to find the source of that insane piping-sound going on at night. In fact, never ever visit the mansion in question.

Conduct investigations while the sun is still above the horizon. The common idea that night is the proper time for sneaking around and committing B&E is even deadlier than The Thousand-Faced Rotting Bubble-Person From Beyond ever could be.

Being illiterate is a good thing.

Yes, there is such a thing as too many tentacles.

Always bring a handgun, that way you can make sure that one of your friends will be in no shape to run when your group is chased by outer-dimensional hunting-creatures, thereby giving the horrible being something other than you to munch on. Hopefully.

Never become good friends with University professors. They are the living embodiment of trouble. In fact, watch out for people whose job is to read books, specifically old books, or tomes, as they like to call them. They always want help after having summoned The Horrible Horror with a Shady Reputation. Helping them will get you dead right quick or, at the very least, insane. Surreal happenings or outer-dimensional summoning may be commonplace in their lives; better not make it commonplace in your life.

Never date women who refer to themselves as cat-persons. Cuddly or not; the Cats from Saturn be damned!

Never go abroad. If you, for any reason, have to go abroad it better not be as a crewmember on an expedition.

Egypt and Antarctica kills off more investigators each year than cancer does.

Always bring explosives. Not pansy explosives like grenades instead bring bundles of TNT. Going to your cousins wedding? Great! Just remember to pack the TNT. TNT is good for some many things, like blowing up blasphemous temples or horrible proto-masses. Failing that, TNT makes great firewood for your final bonfire.

Never join a cult or sect. Enough said.

Curiosity did not kill the cat. Some unspeakable horror did. Not only that, it also turned the cat inside out, had pseudo pods grow from every orifice imaginable, gave it a taste for human blood and made it six times larger than before. Now the cat is coming for you.

Stay well away from mountain cabins. Every mountain cabin comes with an obligatory psychopath. Some cabin-retailers may allow for the psychopath to be exchanged for an Unknown Horror Existing in Far to Many Dimensions. Beware cabins!

Try not to live your life in England or New England. In fact, you should probably move to Sweden, a country where Mythos activity seems to quite non-existent.

Avoid anything that can be associated with the words ancient, elder, forgotten etc. I cannot emphasize this enough. Contracting Ebola is far more enjoyable than being torn to pieces over the course of seven years by the Ancient Guardian-Monstrosity.

Make a distinction between Good Slime and Evil Slime. Good Slime does not really do anything except maybe make you disgusted. Evil Slime, on the other hand, tends to eat you, dissolve you, expand like there is no tomorrow, et cetera. A surefire way of distinguishing between Good Slime and Evil Slime is this:

When you see a pool of slime for the first time, ask yourself these questions. But before proceeding, take heed; Good or Evil, no slime at all is better.

1. Does it shiver, move about or show any other sign of having means of producing kinetic energy by itself? No? Then it is probably safe to assume that you are dealing with Good Slime.

2. Does it have countless mouths and bulging eyes? No? Good Slime.

3. Does it talk? No? Good Slime.

4. Do you feel threatened in any way by this slime? No? Good Slime.

5. Poke the slime with a pointy stick. Does it react? No? Good Slime.

6. Have any of your pets disappeared lately? No? If yes, can you see the bones of your pets inside the slime? Yes? Evil Slime.

7. Did the slime come from outer space? No? Good Slime.

When dealing with beings of incomprehensible power, tread lightly. If you suddenly decompose, burst into flames, explode or suffer otherwise along similar lines you know you have done something wrong.

On the other hand, if you deal with beings of incomprehensible power you are a right git and deserve nothing less. Steer well clear of Outer Gods, Elder Gods, Old Ones and their ilk.

If your Keeper asks you to print out a couple of new character sheets before the session begins you know trouble and death are afoot. Suggest that you play Dungeons & Dragons instead; a game where being resurrected doesn’t automatically turn you into The True Spawn of Evil.

Of course, following these pointers alone is not really enough to keep your investigator alive. Common sense along with a big dose of self-preservation is also needed, but often sorely lacking when it comes to investigators in a game of Call of Cthulhu. Good luck, and remember: even how dreary it may sound, spending your last years in a retirement home is far better than spending your last years in a mental asylum eating bugs.

Some quick rules of survival for the Delta Green Operative:

* Always carry one more magazine than you expect to use.

* The abandoned mine never is.

* Painstakingly sealed refrigerators in the Green Box are probably painstakingly sealed for a purpose.

* If in doubt, empty the magazine.

* Never let your less-than-sane colleague carry the explosives.

* An autopsy-room is not a "safe place".

* Any dark strangers offering you gifts and favors should be avoided like the plague.

* When contemplating ways to execute your mission : think "Overkill".

* Sleep is only a bad substitute for caffeine.

* Always save the last bullet for the moron who got you into this.

* If that moron isn't you, aim for the legs. If you're going to get eaten alive so is he.

* Any offer to let you "Experience the Other Dimensions" should be tactfully declined ... with a shotgun blast.

* If you have no social skills: try "physical interrogation".

* Reading books is for the colleague you keep locked up in the nice room with soft walls.

* There is no such thing as "too many guns".

* Gasoline. Refueling cars is only its secondary use.

* When you enter a government facility and the toilet-doors are marked: "Men", "Women" and "Other" you might want to reconsider your position.

* Old Nazis never die. Period.

* Wimps fondle guns. Real Men fondle Doomsday-devices.

[Lemmy Chillmeister]

I've read Cthulu, never played it though.

Think I most definetly will not now.

[Charr]

In a similar vein:

Subj: DG: How to Survive in a Lovecraft Story

Date: 98-04-27 13:29:22 EDT

From: oaktree@nocturne.org (Chris Womack)

Sender: owner-deltagreen@nocturne.org

Reply-to: deltagreen@nocturne.org (Delta Green List)

To: deltagreen@nocturne.org

I wrote this a while back, and while I originally had Lovecraft's original 20's-era fiction in mind, a good many of these suggestions might prove of benefit to DG agents today...

Note: these are tips for survival should one find oneself in a piece of Lovecraftian fiction. Attempts to apply them to a CoC game campaign should be undertaken only with extreme caution.

1: If you find yourself in a position to acquire your ancestral estate (castle, manor house, etc.), *don't*. Especially if it's built on a cliff or overlooking a bog. Just trust that your ancestors moved away from there for a *reason*, and steer clear of the place yourself. Don't even go there on holiday.

2: Never read *anything* whose author was reputed to be mad.

3: If, while dreaming, you find your dream-self going down a long flight of steps toward a gate, *turn around*. *Go back up.* Settle for a nice wet dream featuring a supermodel of your choice instead.

4: *Don't drink the water*. 'Nuff said.

5: Any electronic equipment you may bring along for the purpose of artificially enhancing your sensitivity to unknown phenomena, or for recording such phenomena, will only increase the likelihood of you going insane and/or getting eaten. Just stick with a flashlight (if you really *must* be able to see where you're going; even that is often ill-advised) and a really good pair of running shoes.

6: Buy a gun, but use it *only* in the following situations: if somebody you know comes to you claiming to have been dispossessed of his/her body, which is then subsequently inhabited by an alien intelligence, *shoot that person*. You're doing him/her a favor. Likewise, if you ever suspect that your own mind has been has been displaced by another, just go ahead and shoot yourself. Avoid the stress and aggravation.

7: In all other situations, *leave the gun at home.* You'll only drop it in your mad flight to safety anyway.

8: Avoid fog, mist, shadows, darkness, and anything or any place that smells bad. Avoid primeval forests, caves, cemeteries, charnel houses, abandoned buildings, and the sea.

9: Break off friendships with anybody who tends to capitalize the following words in their writing: "Old," "Elder," "Ancient," "Chaos,"

"Evil," "Dweller," "Lurker," "and "Horror," especially if any of these words are used in combination with one another or with the word "God(s)".

10: Break off friendships with artists. Especially weird ones. The same goes for college professors. These people quite simply know too much for their own good. Or yours.

11: Never travel to the following destinations, particularly for exploratory purposes: rural England; rural New England; any town or city in America that can justly be described as "centuries old"; India; Africa; Australia; Asia; Antarctica; or any place above or below the ocean's surface that might ever have been part of the lost continent of Lemuria. If you live in any of these places, *move away immediately*.

12: Don't keep a diary, journal, or travelogue. The only people who write down things that happen to them are the people to whom bad things happen.

13: If a stone artifact ever comes into your possession that is clearly artifical in shape, and just as clearly not the work of human beings, *get rid of it*. And the box it came in, just to be on the safe side. Then go and wash your hands.

[WetWear]

This article has several great twinks for Cthulu. To be taken with a grain of salt of course, but still funny as hell I think.

http://www.nuklearpower.com/redmage36.php

[Charr]

To: Microsoft Lawyers, Inc.

From: Azathoth, Nyarlathotep and Hastur, Elder Attorneys

Sirs:

Our agents among the mortal herd have brought to Our attention your recent product entitled Windows '95. Therefore We now give you statutory notice of intent of proceedings to be taken against Microsoft by the Many-Angled Ones.

With this suit We will show that Windows '95, and to a lesser extent all of the Microsoft range of products, infringe upon the recognised "look-and-feel" of the Elder Gods, for the following reasons:

Windows '95 is a crawling abomination from the darkest pits of Hell; No man can be in its presence for too long without being driven into gibbering insanity; A cult who worship it exist in secret amongst the mortal herd; Those who associate with it for too long develop common physical characteristics, to wit: pale, clammy skin, bulging eyes, generally unkempt physical appearance, tendency towards nocturnal living, change in diet to that which normal men do not eat (in your case tacos, burgers and Jolt Coke; in Ours, human flesh, Fungi of Yuggoth and the blood of Alien Gods); Mysterious tomes that purport to explain this phenomenon are reputed to exist; they are bound in an unnatural substance and only available at a terrible cost to the user.The Microsoft range of products seek to utterly dominate the world, and force all who dwell there to live in eternal damnation.

As you can see, Our case is very strong, especially when you consider that most judges prefer not to have chittering things with tentacles for faces scoop out their brains and eat them.

We hope that you will consider these points carefully and settle out of court, since it is not Our intention to have your senior partners spend the rest of their mercifully short lives under heavy sedation in a maximum security psychiatric hospital. After all, it was the Lords of the Outer Planes who gave humanity lawyers in the first place.

Respectfully yours,

[Oddly disturbing squiggle in some sort of ichor]

pp. J. Arthur Hastur, LL.B., B.C.L, B.D