Exalted Fiction: The Perfect Circle

[Emily Williamson]

This is one big gigantic and immense parody. Not only of Exalted, but also of anime, manga, M:TG and a few other things. It's posted in other places, but I'm posting it here because I've been told it's a bundle of laughs by almost everyone who's read it, and wouldn't mind a bit more feedback on it. It's based on a very bad game of TT Exalted I once had the bad luck to have to play. I assure you the plot was even sillier than here, but I toned down the sillyness for the benefit of your mental health. Yes, the cast does include one bishie sorcerer. I couldn't help myself.

Okay, first installment, Chapters 1-4:

Chapter 1 – Tobiko Tanake

The girl leans on the massive tree trunk, trying to regain her breath. Her hair is a mess and she’s covered with blood and dirt, but even so, she manages to look better than most goddesses of love and beauty in full attire. Of course, wearing a dress that was just borderline decent before it was considerably ripped only helps. She curses various people with esoteric names and their extended family, wipes tears from her eyes and turns to look at the approaching giant. He was a behemoth of a man, more than two meters long and, seemingly, almost as much wide. Of course, the girl thought, he would look much better if he was wearing something that didn’t look like it belonged attached to an animal; but it was a widely acknowledged fact that barbarian heroes had no style.

‘Okay,’ the hulk boomed, ‘that wasn’t too bad. Now it’s time for the next trial.’

The girl groaned. ‘Another one? Are you trying to kill me here?’

‘It is necessary,’ he said sternly, ‘only thus can it be seen what caste you are destined to become. And anyway, it’s a sacred ritual to Luna, you should be happy about it!’

‘Awww… Redclaw,’ she insisted, whining with a sweet little voice, ‘Do I really have to? I’m already a mess as it is...’

Redclaw hesitated a moment, but nevertheless, said, ‘I’m afraid so, Tobiko, there’s just no way around it. Anyway, it’s a question of your honour!’

‘Couldn’t we at least leave it for tomorrow?’ she pleaded, hands behind her back, standing on the tips of her toes to try and draw somewhat level with the other, ‘I’m tired… Isn’t there space for a little bit of kindness towards a poor little tired girl in that massive muscled honourable form of yours?’

The great barbarian hero, scourge of civilization, ravager of kingdoms big and small, he who left barren the land his horde walked over, looked down at the young girl with damp eyes and shuffled his feet.

‘I dunno, Tobiko… I could get in awful trouble if the other elders found out…’

She pouted. Nobody ever resisted the pout.

Meanwhile, two owls watched silently as the scene unfolded. Then, one turned its head around to the other and, as one always says to another, hooted: ‘Hey, Silverbeak, would this be considered “passing the trials through cunning or guile”?’

The other owl turns equally towards its companion and answers: ‘I suppose, although I’m sure it’s never happened before.’

‘Hmm…’ the first owl mused, ‘I wonder why Luna chose someone like her.’

‘Dunno, maybe ‘cause she’s just so damn HOT.’

The first owl looked disapprovingly at the second one, or at least as much as an owl can look disapproving. “Silverbeak! Really…”

And when the two owls looked back, the girl was gone.

Chapter 2 – Not Invited to the Best Parties

Zaon proudly walked up to the towering building that contains the Loom of Fate. Since his exaltation twenty years he has tirelessly trained in the arts of the sword, and the special martial arts that involved it. Of the Exalted of his generation, he was the one that knew best how to end a life. He had not once failed a mission for the Violet Bier of Sorrows. Whenever there was a petty ruler that needed his reign ended, a Dragon-blooded scion whose time had regrettably come to pass, or simply anyone or anything else that needed urgent termination for the good of destiny, he was the first one that they would call. The fact that he takes immense pride in this just goes to show what the Celestial Bureaucracy can do to someone’s mind.

Today, however, it was not going to be just another routine assassination for Creation’s sake. Oh no, today he was onto the big thing. This was his break into the ranks of the people that sent people like him on missions. Today, he was going to be assigned to a Major Special Destiny of Utmost Importance and Urgency. With capital letters all the way, too. Even if it was for the Gold Faction, which didn’t, exactly, get invited to the best parties.

He passed the celestial lions on the entrance and paraded into the halls of the Loom, taking the right turns towards the office of Ayesha Ura, although carefully letting everyone he knew, and lots he didn’t, see exactly where he was going and who he was going to see. Right before he was threatening to collapse under the weight of his own ego, he found himself in front of the gold-covered door to the faction’s leader’s office. Of course, it was the way of the Sidereals to do things in exactly the right moment.

He let himself in, and found himself looking at the smiling face of one of the most powerful and influential beings in Creation. In fact, he had always thought she’d be taller.

‘Ah, Zaon,’ she said, ‘I’m so glad we have you for this mission. I am afraid many things shall need a… proper ending. Not least of them being… the Age of the Dragon-Blooded.’

Wow, that was kind of a big order. Was he supposed to bring down the Realm? Wouldn’t that piss off Chejop Kejak something awful? He didn’t really wanted to have him on his case. Oh, and that’s not mentioning the complications of actually doing the Realm-destroying thing. He was starting to wish for a nice little satrap to kill, instead.

‘Eh…’ he hesitated, ‘and… I’m going to be doing this alone.’

‘Oh, of course not!’ Ayesha chuckled, he felt relieved, ‘Meerah here will go with you.’

,,

‘Huh?’ he looked around him, and found no sign of anyone else in the room, ‘uhm… who?’

‘Me,’ a woman’s voice beside him said. He jumped, back, startled. There was a young woman standing there, looking at him with an empty expression in her green eyes. She was completely still, completely calm, as if…

‘Were you there all the time?’

She smiled, slightly, although it wasn’t a very warming smile.

‘Of course.’

Chapter 3 – A Motley Crew

He was a warrior, a hero. Raised proudly from the barbarian peoples, granted the knowledge of generations, exalting as one of Luna’s Chosen, passing the trials with flying colours, earning for himself the name of Fearless Claw, he was the bringer of the rightful downfall of civilization everywhere!

He was a seagull. It was mightily embarrassing. Nevertheless, he realized that, for the proper downfall of civilization, he must reach it’s core undetected, and seagulls were really inconspicuous on ships. He let out a characteristic seagull-screech for good measure, and landed on the ship just as the last passengers were walking onto it. With nothing better to do for the moment, he simply watched the people going past.

One eighteen-year old girl in what seemed to have been quite expensive clothes before they were, it seems, forcefully redesigned. Or maybe it was all the rage in the Realm these days, he could never really tell. Everyone was staring at her, and with good reason. He found his gaze wandering off with her until he got a hold of himself and looked at the next person.

Another relatively young girl, although this one was much less impressive, in simple clothes and keeping her head down. She looked awfully depressed about something, though, poor thing.

And another… what was going on in this boat? A girls-only school’s graduation party or something? No, wait this one wasn’t a girl, he just thought so because he had a really delicate sort of face, must be one of those posh and refined patricians. He… or was it she? Could certainly be a girl, albeit a sort of flat-chested one, except… by Luna, this was confusing! Whatever it was, it carried a staff of little interest and no special expression, and he was going to stop trying to figure out its gender.

Then came these two people, one man and one woman. They looked sort of suspicious, although he could not point out exactly why. He stopped to think about that, but realized he couldn’t remember what they looked like very well. That was odd, they certainly… no, wait, had they?

Chapter 4 – They have First Age Artifacts!

The two Sidereals hang back while the boat departed from port, waiting for the right moment to act.

“We have to secure a private area to talk with them,” Meerah whispered to her companion, who nodded and stealthily walked off.

Five minutes later, he returned, and explained that the area was secure. Meerah looked around and sighed.

“When I said “secure a private area” I didn’t exactly mean to imply “go and kill all the ship’s crew”, you know.”

Zaon looked puzzled. “Oh.”

Meerah sighed again… “You just had to be Endings, didn’t you…?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

Meerah decided he probably was, indeed, as dumb as he looked. “Never mind, but you’re doing the talking, okay?”

“What?” Zaon started to argue, “but you’re the Chosen of…” but she was gone already. He sighed, it was his fate, he guessed, to do all the hard work, and as a Sidereal, he should know these things. Now, he just had to think of a way to draw them all to the same place to be able to explain things, without getting celestial wrath drawn upon him. He had to use the information available to him, all the knowledge handed down from generation to generation of Sidereals, ancient knowledge of the First Age carefully preserved by the Chosen and diligently passed down to him…

…oh fuck, he’d skipped that class to hang out with that Serenity chick…

…still he had to think of something. He was on his own now… yes, of course! Why hadn’t he thought about it before!

“Help!” he shouted, “we’re under attack! They’re vicious pirates! We’re all going to die!”

Now, as heroic godly beings that they were, the Exalts would come…

…rushing out…

…to save…

…the defenceless…

…crew?

He sighed. Then another idea occurred to him.

“They’re Outcaste pirates!” he shouted as loud as he could, “oh god, they’re loaded with FIRST AGE ARTIFACTS!”

Four heads peeked out of the doorway.

[Emily Williamson]

Second Insatllment: Chapters 5-8

Chapter 5 – The Perfect Circle (No Compass Needed)

“Well, here they are,” Zaon whispered to his companion, “the Perfect Circle.”

She looked around, and then looked puzzled. “Weren’t they supposed to be two guys and two girls?”

“Huh?” Zaon checked their assembled group again, “well,” he conceded, “we’ll just have to settle on that he’s a boy, that’s what they told us he’d be.”

“Oh, come on,” she argued, “she’s wearing a dress!”

“It’s a robe, and anyway, we better give them an expla-“ Meerah was gone again.

“Okay,” he began, “you are all here because you will be the directing force in this world’s future. You, and us, two of each of the Celestial Chosen! We are the force of destiny that will end this Age and begin a new one! We are the Perfect Circle!”

They didn’t look very impressed. The underdressed girl with the sweet face raised a hand. “Why us, exactly?” she asked.

He fumbled, “well, because… it’s… destiny, of course!”

She didn’t sound very convinced. “Are you sure it’s not just because we’re the only ones who happen to be on this boat at this precise moment?”

“Well, you are on this boat because destiny wanted you to!”

She looks around, checking each one of the assembled demigods over. “Destiny sure has bad taste,” she concluded. “And I went on this boat to get away from those old farts with a furry fetish that kept wanting to tattoo me.”

“Yes, but-“ Zaon started to explain the intricacies of fate, but he had a sudden premonition of blank faces staring at him and stopped. “Well, it doesn’t really matter. We should, like, introduce ourselves and get to know each other now that we’re going to be crafting a new Age together, eh? My name is Zaon, and I’m a Chosen of Endings. I work for the Bureau of Destiny in delivering the proper ending to things. I enjoy my job.”

The eye-catching Lunar girl spoke up again, “I’m Tobiko Tanake, I come from a place called Kurau in the East. I’m a Lunar, but I can’t be bothered with all that Caste-tattoo business, as I’m sure it’s all just a ploy for those old men to get to see me naked.” she said, frowning slightly, “I like birds, bunny rabbits and chocolate, and even birds and bunnies made out of chocolate! I don’t like perverted old men trying to take advantage of me, but they always end up doing what I want, so I guess it doesn’t matter!” she finished, cheerfully.

Then the big lunar that had once been a seagull stood up. “I am Fearless Claw, also known as Grath the Brave, and I have journeyed far from my native tribe and lands, guided by Luna, the gods, and the memories and knowledge of my people. I travel to the centre of this despicable disease that is known as civilization to righteously bring it down and free the world and its people from the oppressive hold of bureaucracy, politics, education, personal hygiene and other evil curses brought upon them by this malefic engine!”

Everyone was staring at him a bit blankly until Tobiko spoke up. “What he’s trying to say is: GRATH SMASH!”

The black-haired solar girl with the downcast expression didn’t look up. “In the tongue of your people,” she said softly, “my name is Lightly Dancing Cherry Blossom upon Gentle Winds Carrying Sweet Scents of Forgotten Flowers.”

She lifted her head up and surveyed everyone’s expression and then smiled slightly and added, “But you can call me Sakura.”

And lastly, the solar of undetermined gender continued looking up at the clouds while talking. “I’m Iris and, by the way, why is the boat going round in circles?”

“Oh, that’s because someone I know killed off all the ship’s crew for no good reason,” scolded a familiar voice behind Zaon.

Chapter 6 – You Don’t Look Quite The Type

Meerah was silently observing, as always, standing in the narrow space between one strand of Fate and the next, so invisible that the others did not even notice she wasn’t there. Without anything better to do at the moment, as the boat was just floating along, she was listening to the conversations of her new circlemates.

“You’re casteless?” the big Lunar was asking Tobiko, with an incredulous look on his face. Looked like an argument could be brewing there, “but that’s terribly dangerous! You could become chimera or something like that! And you have no protection from the Wyld!”

The young girl sighed, talking while tiptoeing along the edge of the boat, just an inch from falling into the waves if she ever lost her balance. This did not seem to worry the other as much as the fact she had no tattoos.

“I really couldn’t be bothered with the whole Caste thing, you know,” Tobiko was saying, “and I’m certainly not defacing my body with all those silly marks. Those perverted old farts would just use the opportunity to drool all over me anyway.”

“What?” Claw replied angrily, “how dare you insult the most honourable elder members of the Silver Pact like such? You should be ashamed of yourself, child! It is right of the elders to force you to be tattooed and trained, as you seem to have no responsibility for yourself! Or honour, for that matter! I don’t know why Luna exalted such a spoilt brat as you, and amazed I am that you even survived the trials!”

Tobiko looked back from staring at the waves. “Hm? Did you say something? When someone starts spouting Silver Pact rubbish I get this sort of… buzzing in my ears, I can’t hear properly…”

Claw growled, shaking his fist in frustration. Nothing very interesting going to happen there. She turned to Zaon and the girl with the silly long name.

“So… you don’t look quite the type, you know… Dawn warrior, and that…” Zaon was saying. He sounded quite nervous, whether it was because he found the girl attractive, heavens forbid, or because of the forbidding aura she seemed to have hanging about her like a cloak, she could not tell.

“I guess not,” Sakura answered without raising her head.

“Well… no, I mean… we can’t put everything down to stereotypes, can we now? …eh…” he laughed nervously, disconcerted by the complete lack of reaction from the girl.

“No,” she curtly answered again. There was a long moment of uncomfortable silence, and then she asked, just as tersely, “aren’t we going to get lost at sea?”

“Eh… no,” Zaon explained, “the boat will go where Fate takes it, and… well, we’re a big part of Fate, you see… so…”

“Ah,” she cut him off with the short exclamation.

Meerah looked on, curious, what was the matter with-

“Hello there,” a voice suddenly said, right behind her. She jumped, whirling around quickly to meet… Iris’s smiling face, staff resting horizontally on his shoulders. Now that she saw it close up, the stick was actually a quite intricate orichalcum piece.

“H-hello…” she stuttered slightly in her surprise, and embarrassment at being found out listening in on everyone.

“Is something wrong?” he asked with what, now that she thought about it, was a pretty feminine voice, “you’re always sulking away somewhere, watching everyone.”

She blushed. “I don’t sulk!” she defended herself, “I observe! I’m a Chosen of Secrets and we… well, we have to know things… you know, secrets, without getting involved…”

He smiled at her. “That was so cute,” he said softly, “now what’s the real reason?”

No hesitation, no moment of thought, he just saw right through her. Not many people could do that, although maybe it was just because she was nervous after having been surprised like that.

She looked down. “I… just don’t get on that well with people, I guess…”

He smiled understandingly at her and walked over to stand aside her. In fact, at this distance she could see that he was very small and frail-looking, as much or more than she herself. Definitely a feminine touch there.

“I know the feeling,” he told her, “but we have to try to get along, no? We are circlemates now.”

“Yeah…” Meerah admitted, and then turned to look at him with curiosity, “I’m sure you get asked this a lot, and I’m… like, sorry… if it offends you or something, but I have to ask, you know... Chosen of Secrets and… are you a boy or…?”

He giggled softly and looked at her. “You want to know?” he said, “okay, then.” And with that he leant forward and whispered a short explanation in her ear.

She took a hand to her mouth in surprise, looking at him with a rather curious expression as she exclaimed, “oh, you poor thing…”

Chapter 7 – Games of Divinity

He was the greatest, the mightiest of the Gods. His light shone down upon the world as a widely hailed beacon of hope. He was the ultimate warrior, the ultimate strategist, his six arms held destruction for any who opposed him. For he was the Unconquered Sun! And he was pondering his next move.

“Hey Sol,” said Luna, who was sitting on Gaia’s lap, looking at the playing field, “you sure that Perfect Circle thing was a good idea?”

His eyebrow twitched, and he slowly raised his head, showing an expression that would have made the bravest heroes cower in fear.

“DAMN YOU! I TOLD YOU NOT TO DISTRACT ME WHILE I’M THINKING!” he bellowed, making terrifying winds sweep through the room and the Jade Dome tremble, “NOW I’VE WENT AND FORGOTTEN MY MOVE! I SWEAR YOU DO IT ON PURPOSE!”

The other players exchanged glances and many words were left unsaid for he was, after all, chief among the gods.

“Really, Sol,” said Luna, “you get worked up about the smallest things. It’s just a game, you know.”

And then the players took appropriate cover, as everyone knew perfectly well what was going to come now.

“JUST A GAME?!” the Unconquered Sun’s voice rang out throughout Yu-Shan, “IT IS MORE THAN JUST A GAME! THIS IS WHAT WE FOUGHT TOOTH AND NAIL AGAINST THE PRIMORDIALS TO ACHIEVE! IT IS THE GREATEST OF ENTERTAINMENTS, THE HEIGHT OF HEAVENLY EXPERIENCE, THE ULTIMATE JUDGE OF POWER, IT IS MORE THAN A GAME, IT’S A WAY OF LIFE!”

“He’s just like that because he doesn’t, like, get any,” Serenity whispered, and the Five Maidens giggled.

“AND WHAT ARE YOU FIVE LAUGHING ABOUT?!”

Serenity rolled her eyes. “Nothing, Invictus, nothing,” she replied innocently.

Secrets looked at Luna, curiously. “On the matter of the Perfect Circle, I have recently been incessantly pondering a certain question,” she said, “for what reason did you bestow your power upon that child? She seems to present an absence of the qualities generally found in your Chosen.”

“Oh, her? Isn’t it obvious?” Luna replied, “I Exalted her because she was just so damn HOT.”

The whole room stared at her. The Unconquered Sun even forgot to keep sulking.

“But Luna, I mean, she’s only, like, sixteen or something.” Serenity commented.

Luna looked around uncomfortably. “Look, Sol, just make your move already,” she said. The Unconquered Sun picked up again pretty quickly, silencing all further commentary.

“OKAY, NOW YOU’LL SEE! I TAP MY EIGHT FIRE MANSES FOR POWER, AND SUMMON THE KUKLA, DESTYOYER OF WORLDS! YES, WHIMPER BEFORE MY SUPERIOR ABILITY AS I CRUSH EACH ONE OF YOU BENEATH MY UBER DRAGON OF FIRE!”

A collective groan came from the rest of the players.

“That’s not fair!” complained Battles, in her slightly gruff manner.

“I thought we’d agreed that Kukla was, like, overpowered,” said Serenity.

“That card. Should have. An end. However, it cannot be. Ended. It is Wrong.” said Endings, rather tersely, as was her way.

“Really, Sol,” said Luna, “I thought we’d talked about that deck-“

“Wait, wait,” Iris leant on his staff and tried to stop laughing, “you’re telling me… you’re telling me that the Games of Divinity are a TCG?”

Meerah looked at him. “You mean you didn’t know?”

Chapter 8 – Mind If I Keep Staring?

She stood poised on the tip of the mast. Her robes swirling behind her in the ocean’s breeze, bright green eyes looking out towards the horizon. She seemed to shine in the starlight. Iris enjoyed the view.

Meerah looked down at where the sorcerer was lying, a few metres below her. “You’re making a very good attempt at pretending you’re asleep while staring at me. I congratulate you.” she called down.

Iris opened his eyes in full and grinned sheepishly. “Sorry.”

“Never mind,” she looked out to sea again, “you know we’ve got another ship coming in collision course with ours?”

Iris raised an eyebrow. “Really? Wasn’t Zaon keeping watch?”

Meerah looked down. “I think he’s asleep. Should we tell him?”

Iris shrugged. “What could he do about it, anyway? Might as well let him sleep a bit longer.”

“Yeah,” the Sidereal said as she looked away once more.

“Hey…” Iris blushed, slightly, although it was invisible in the darkness, “mind if I keep staring?”

It was possible that a smile was briefly drawn on the lips of the Chosen of Secrets, but it may have well been a trick of the eyes, in the darkness.

“Not really.”