Aberrant: The Long March - Cold Comforts (Joani and Ulric)

[Ulric Reikspar]

{This happens after Meeting of the Minds}

Ulric had to control himself while in the meeting, his need was so strong. It wasn't a lover's need, but that of a husband for his wife, his partner, and the other half of his soul. Ulric had signaled Joani once he felt sufficiantly alone. As he waited he looked out into the great unknown. Now he could really come to grips with the rootlessness that opened up before him ... them. He could never leave without Joani, no matter how wrong he felt it might be.

[Joani]

Joani waited a moment before she followed Ulric. Her thoughts were still spiraling on what her friends said... about the war, the methods used and the plans to leave this timeline. Cody and Steve said something she'd never had expected from them. She always thought she had to virtually fight them in arguments to get her point through.

Ever since the explosion of the Enterprise she didn't feel much herself. She was losing a fight against herself she didn't quite understand.

As she entered the room she watched Ulric for a moment. Watching him put her at ease. Pacified her inner turmoil and helped her clear her thoughts. Lately she felt she had betrayed him and she couldn't tell why. Almost scared to speak she asked with a low voice, "What is it, honey? Did I upset you?"

[Ulric Reikspar]

"Upset me?"

Ulric closed the distance between them and took her hands in his own.

"No."

He kissed her softly on the lips.

"All this talk about leaving and telling the world, then Steve's trials and the work on taint ... I find myself thinking of us again. I suddenly feel a desire to let our children - all our children go. The world may want us, but does it need us."

"Anyway, I don't care about that. What today taught me is that I don't know what you want anymore. We've grown a lot together, but this is something new and something new for us."

"I want to know what you want to do, were your hear lies. I want to be part of that future with you. We can remake our lives now, no matter what the group decides to do. We've been heroes for the world, devoted our lives in service."

"We have kids and now grandkids. Our family will do fine without us, if that's what we chose to do. We aren't normal and we've never been. Our kids aren't hanging around waiting for us to die. They know that's not our fate and they've come to grips with that some time ago."

"Whatever we have done, we have the opportunity to redefine ourselves now. We can disappear into the world at large, being mysterious heroes who need no thanks. We can be explorers. We can keep going and see where our endeavors have taken us."

"But what really matters to me is what do you want us to do together, because I think there is so much for us still to do. I don't want to make any decisions concerning my own life without knowing were you are going to be."

[Joani]

“I think I feel guilty, Ulric. I know it doesn’t make much sense but after I realised that Gabriel almost died something broke inside of me. The illusion I kept that my children, especially Kara and Gabriel are well of, even with me being constantly absent shattered in a matter of seconds. I comforted me knowing that you had the time to get some distance from your time as President and that you could dedicate your time to our children… but I feel I have failed as mother.”, Joani was fighting back tears.

“I’m soo proud of Kara and Gabriel… but I never managed to tell them.”, she turned away trying to shake of her sadness and guilt. Without facing Ulric she continued, “All the plans about leaving… it feels like I betray them. Like I always promised to be there one day and now I’ll be gone. I can’t bear that thought. I don’t want them to hate me.”, Joani wiped away tears which were flowing relentlessly down her cheeks.

“I’ve kept so many things to myself, tried to hold up that façade of perfect resolve and serenity. I even kept things secret from you, Ulric…”, she slowly turned around to face him. "And that was wrong. I know it was wrong and I should've told you right away, but I didn't have the courage. I didn't want you to worry too much about me. I wanted you to be proud of me and I didn't want to fail you for you have put so much effort and confidence into my abilities.", she wished she could tell him how she really felt. She wished she had the strength to face her inner demons and overcome her insecurities...

[Ulric Reikspar]

She could tell it hit him hard when she had first said it. Ulric was forming up something to say, some response, when she told him of her near-death encounter. Now it was writ large on his face - the fear of losing her.

For his part, he realized he had come to rely on the myth of her invincibility. Even though he knew that it wasn't true. Even though he knew that everyone could be beaten somehow, in some way, he had never applied the mathematics to his Joani. It was the unconcious mechanism that allowed him to see her off time and time again and not go mad with worry.

"You wanted me to believe you were safe, and I wanted it too. I wanted to believe it as much for myself as for our children when I said Mommy will be home. I should have looked harder."

"You spared us, but you didn't spare yourself."

Ulric lead Joani over to a seat and sits her down. He takes a seat beside her, never letting go of her hands.

"From this day forward, you need the courage to let me know about these things. It's just you and me, Kid. I can handle it and I would rather know and worry. To take the kind of hit from learning you had fallen somewhere - somehow - and then be left forever wondering what more I could have done to save you? No. I would rather now and suffer through that. Okay?"

[Joani]

Joani nodded at Ulric like a daughter would to the words of her father. She felt so dependent on him, like a child and she couldn’t fight her inability to step out of that shadow. “I promise.”, she said, repeating it again to herself, “I promise… and I love you, Ulric. I really do… “, she looked self-consciously at him.

“You don’t think that Kara and Gabriel won’t hate me if we… if we told them the truth? I promised that I’d stay with the Cabal back then when you found me, but that was long ago, before we had children. I feel so responsible for them and this earth but I’m losing… I can’t tell what it is, I’m losing something that was important to me. That gave me strength and security… but its gone… or beyond my reach. I’m scared, Ulric, like I never was before.”

Adding to Ulrics realisation Joani appeared extremely fragile and vulnerable as she sat next to him, her eyes struggling to keep her confidence but it was a fight she was losing.

[Ulric Reikspar]

He holds her tight. This has been coming for a long time. No one can live her lifestyle for so long without facing a break down. Ulric was glad he could at least be here for her now.

"Its okay to be weak around me, My Love. I'm your partner. I'm the one person in the world who won't judge you, or hold you to a higher standard. I hope I never let you down."

"Kara and Gabriel love you. They may not understand everyting up front, but they know who we are. They are our children, they know we love them, and they love us. Let go of your fear."

"Just let it go, Joani. Let me know what you have been keeping in all this time. I promise you I won't turn away. I love you."

[Joani]

Joani held on tight and closed her eyes. She listened to his heart, its strong and rhythmical beating gave her reassurance as she listened to him. Wishing he would never let go she answered, “Maybe if we move on and leave this timeline I can leave my own fears behind? I was even considering to ask Cody to take away my memories of this timeline. I hoped it would help me but I guess that’s just postponing the problem and not a solve it. But that would also mean forgetting about you and our children and I can’t let that happen.”

She loosened her embrace a little and continued, “Still I can’t stop thinking back to when we all met. I decided back then to let go of my past since I couldn’t remember it anyway. For a time it was ok but no matter how hard I try it feels always like I’m missing something. I have no childhood memories, I don’t know my parents… it’s a fight I cannot win because its gone forever. I thought I could overcome this by having my own family but I ran away from you, too. That’s the reason I feel so guilty and it’s sapping my strength, my willpower. I feel drained and exhausted.”

“I can’t stand this through without you, Ulric. I know it’s wrong to put such pressure on you but honestly, I don’t know how I could leave this timeline without you and wherever this may take us, promise me that you’ll never go. Please. I couldn’t bear another loss.”

[Ulric Reikspar]

"I'm not going anywhere, Joani. That is why I sought out that certain nova to make me young again - because I could't stand the thought of being without you."

"We both feel the need to start anew. I feel so tired and stretched some time. I've done so much here and I find that I compare myself and what I do to what I was doing in the beginning ... and I come up short. I want to go in directions I've never gone before and can't go with the bagagge I'm carrying with me. The fame and expectations bind me and I don't like that. What I want is you. I want there to be time for us, and clean air for a new start. We can shed all the weights of this world for something else."

"I know that means leaving the good things we like behind us as well. Things like the Paragons and our children are going to be left behind, but we've both done good work there. They will prosper without us because we have poured our hearts and souls into them for so many years."

"Don't be ashamed to be seeking a new life. We've earned it. We are not running away. We've done all that could be expected of us. Remember that. We can be proud of our family and our accomplishments. We really can."

[Joani]

Joani almost interrupted Ulric as she kissed him passionately. Kissing him again and again she held his face in her hands and smiled at him through admiring eyes. The special sparkle he initially fell in love with was back in her eyes. She tried to answer but lacked the words to describe what she felt her mouth half opened from the attempts to say something appropriate.

“I love you, Ulric – I always will” was all she could say to him.