Aberrant: Ba'alt - Re: Metaphors

[Jedi Richard Thorne]

Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their

collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays.

These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across

the country. Here are last year's winners.....

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides

gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances

like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a

guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those

boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high

schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse, without one of

those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was

room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes

just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated

because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a

formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a

bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag

filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an

eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and

Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when

you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across

the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left

Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19

p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighbourhood with picket fences

that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who

had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was

the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap,

only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil,

this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not

eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either,

but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine

or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender

leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around

with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells,

as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

[Narrator]

My favorites, simply laugh out loud funny....

,,

<!--quoteo--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE</div><div class='quotemain'><!--quotec-->10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag

filled with vegetable soup.

,,

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an

eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and

Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.<!--QuoteEnd--></div><!--QuoteEEnd-->

The first for its visual impact and the second from experience..I ahte being away in AZ and finding that all my shows start one hour earlier in that god forsaken place....

[z-Kara]

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

That is just DISGUSTING!!!

[Jedi Richard Thorne]

Quote:

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

That is just DISGUSTING!!!

Too true there.

I find myself hoping that #6 is deliberate, because it shows a great deal of hilarious irony; if it's not deliberate, then I fear for the sanity of the poor teacher who submitted it.

[z-Kara]

I would imagine that it was deliberate. I thought one was one of the more intelligent ones on the list.

#20. Made me laugh because I think every family has an uncle like this Uncle Phil.

[Kaelan]

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was

room-temperature Canadian beef.

Reminds me of my ex-girlfriend... She started off looking good but then she did a 360 on me.

[Rama]

MMMMMMmmmmm......yummy! Canadian Beef...of course you realize its really yak, eh?

[z-Kara]

??? I wonder about you boys...

[Rama]

And we wonder about you too Ms. Kara!

[Rama]

<!--sizeo:4--><span style="font-size:14pt;line-height:100%"><!--/sizeo-->Yo!<!--sizec--></span><!--/sizec--><!--sizeo:5--><span style="font-size:18pt;line-height:100%"><!--/sizeo--> Kaelan!!! <!--sizec--></span><!--/sizec-->When are you gonna jump in tha action?!?!? While we're young please...

(What? Chronos is expensive...)

[z-Kara]

Quote:

And we wonder about you too Ms. Kara!

There really isn't much to wonder about...

I just have to remember that a lot of what I say is taken literally.

[Kaelan]

I am around. Your paths and mine have not crossed just yet.

I know that story teller has something juicy planned for me. He keeps on sending irritants my way but the dice are with me right now.

I have a keen interest in your group and I have been monitoring your progress. Exciting times are up ahead...