[Fiction] Villany - PORNOCLES!!!!

[Dave ST]

“See them all over there,” he said to me. I don’t know why I looked; my first instinct was to just get the hell away from the guy. He seemed a total nut ball. “Third floor, second window from the balcony. That’s right. A study group. An all female study group. You know something; I could have any one of those women if I wanted to. Not because I can over power them, or because I’m immune to pepper spray. No my friend, I can have them because it’s my duty to have them.” I should have just left, but the guy had grabbed me and hoisted me up to the rooftop in a single leap. I couldn’t help it, he was lamer than me, and so I started laughing.

“What? What are you laughing for? Seriously it is, shut up.”

I had to ask that eternal question. Looking back, I regret it.

“Why? Why is it my duty? Well I’m glad you asked my friend! You see, Zeus has granted me his divine favor and charged me with smiting ner do well harlots whom have strayed from the righteous path of the Holy Hoagie. That’s right. Lesbians my friend! Lesbians! Women who only enjoy the sensual pleasures of other women. I know, it gives me the heebie geebies too.”

Yeah… he even thrust his finger into the air, I guess in the myriad world his brain dwelled in there were anime speed lines surrounding him or something. I mean seriously, we all know in this day and age there are a few rare apples that we could consider a bit sour. The quantum is supposed to do that to some of them, but this guy? Oh, man…

I felt I had to lay it on him straight. He was kind of an ass, so I told him like it was.

“Huh? Well that’s just nonsense! How could it be the fault of… what was the word you used?”

Yeah, pretty thick… he needed help.

“Ahh, yes… jackasses, thank you, like me that make them prefer their own sex? That’s absurd. I mean look at me. My perfectly chiseled abs. My hulking biceps. Not to mention cleft chin, blonde hair, and blue eyes. I’m even wearing a Toga for crying out loud! Studies show chicks dig togas!”

Yeah, of course they do, about as much as they dig giant robots. Trust me, I’m an authority. All right, in his defense, if I were gay (which I’m not, the pictures on the OpNet were a joke) then I would have been all over the guy. I mean my god was he was fuckin attractive. Just as he said, perfect body, Bruce Campell chin, with a do and a pair of eyes I’d kill for.

Fuck I hate novas, they get all the women they want.

“Look at them over there. These so called ‘study groups’ of theirs… you know what they are don’t you?”

Okay, so I had a case of the dumb… I gave the ‘I’m not a complete douche bag idiot’ answer.

“No! What are you, some douche bag idiot?!? They’re an excuse to have sex with one another!”

Yep… why didn’t I see it before… look at them… all over one another. What was he seeing that I was missing? There were just sitting there, and, well… studying!

But I had to be sure.

“Of course I’m sure of it! Haven’t you been listening? They’re lesbians man! Evil lesbians! Any second now the pizza guy will show up, and then you know what they’ll do? They’ll taunt him! They’ll snicker and joke about ‘extra sausage’ and when just when the poor guy thinks he’s hit pay dirt they’ll slam the door in his face and strip down into their lingerie and have a feathery pillow fight! Will they invite him? No way! It’s bad enough the guy is barely able to pay his way through college with the crappy tips he makes delivering them their pizza and are they considerate of that fact? No sirry Bob! You would think the least they could do is offer him a night of carnal pleasures, the eleven of them giving themselves completely to him simply because it’s the right thing to do. Instead he gets two dollars… two dollars that will go to a bottle of lotion and a shower time fantasy. Where’s the justice?! Poor guy has probably been masturbating in the shower for so long the every time it rains he walking around half-mast for hours! Justice man! Where’s the justice!?”

Ever have that creepy feeling? You know, like you’re trapped in one of those table top role playing games and any second now the guy with the screen is going to start laughing and tell you this was all a joke, then comfort you as you silently weep?

This was certainly one of those moments for me. The dude was flat out whack and his stupidity was grating quickly on my last nerve. Granted we were both positioned on a roof top at ten o’clock at night peeping on a gathering of some very fine ladies, so I kept it as quite as possible.

But man, did I let him have it.

“Hmm? Listen to yourself my good man. They have you brainwashed! Of course they’re going to strip down into lingerie and have a feathery pillow fight! Don’t you see man, they have you brainwashed! Women are lying to you! All of them! Men, you and I, are only here for the purpose of supplying them the means of making more women for them to sleep with! Your girlfriend hangs out at her apartment in jeans and a sweatshirt while you are there, but you know what my friend?!”

He didn’t give me the chance to protest. I have no girlfriend.

“When you’re gone it’s tight latex and corsetry! That’s what women lounge in! That whole spiel about it not being comfortable is a lie! A lie! Wake up, man! The blinders are off my eyes brotha, oh oh oh yes… I see the truth, and the truth is that they shall suffer the wrath of Olympus.”

Wrath of Olympus? Zeus? Was he trapped maybe in some Clash of the Dipshits movie or something? I batted his hands aside where he had them gripped on my shoulders. They guy nearly shook me into a concussion.

I tried to put it back into something resembling a logical perspective, you know, try and distract him and hope he’d just get it all out and just wander back to the asylum. So I changed the subject.

“Me? Before I was a nova? Oh, I uhh… you know, had a job and stuff. I was in management.”

Hell, I’m in management too, big deal. It was a dodge, and this moron was easy to read. No way was I going to settle with such a simple answer. So, you know, I kept prying.

“Hmm? Oh uhh… a uhh… a Blockbuster. You know the uh, video stores. Yeah, free rentals were at my finger tips twenty four seven. I was a man of power and respect, it’s only natural that Zeus chose me to be his Titan of Tang.”

Where does he get this shit? Giggling hysterically to myself was about all I could do to keep myself from stabbing him with a pen from my pocket. Free rentals are really not all that cool; it’s never gotten me a date.

“Are, are you on something? You keep laughing and it’s making me wonder. Are you on the pot? I mean, if so that’s okay and all, but you just smoking you life awa-… okay, okay, fine. Don’t give me that look. Keep it bottled up inside, let it tear you apart, it’s your life buck-o.”

“Where was I? Ahh, yes… Titan of Tang! You see there was this night that changed my life. I opened my eyes and showed me that women are evil and only out to torment every life of every man on the planet. You see, I was watching Hermaphrodite 2: Rage of Hungphaestus, if you haven’t seen it I recommend it, it’s a very good hentai.”

I scowled at the oaf. I just told him to get on with it. Legend of the Overfiend was way better any way. Obviously the guy didn’t have any taste in movies.

“Anyway. My mother screamed from the kitchen upstairs to let me know that my dinner was in the microwave. That’s when it hit me! The pain… I think it may have had something to do with my seething hatred for her, but as I watched Hermaphrodite challenge the vile Hungphaestus in a duel of epic sex craft I swore right then and there that if Zeus would favor me, just once, then I would rid this world of vile harpies. When I was done with them, none of them would be laughing, I’d cast those vile twisted, perky, and to-good-for-the-guy-with-a-steady-job-and-love-in-his-heart wretches into Hades to burn for eternity.”

*****

“Then what happened?” Asked the officer looking at one very shaken Eugene Throgmorton, a guy who was just walking home from work when he was grabbed by a strange nova and introduced to a night of oddities that he wished would just end.

“And the rest is exactly like I said before!” Eugene’s panic echoed through the flat gray interrogation room. His fingers quivered as he locked a cigarette tightly betwixt his fingers. “The guy suddenly went berserk or something, he looked across the way, gritted his teeth and just fuckin jumped through their balcony window door, thingie!”

The officer to Eugene’s right looked at him suspiciously. “Window door?”

“Yes! You know… the sliding window… door…” Eugene motioned like he was grabbing a handle and sliding a door, but only after miming a square pattern.

“And then he vogued?” Asked the officer to Eugene’s left.

“What?” Eugene didn’t seem to make the connection at first. After looking at his hands he rolled his eyes. “No! He didn’t vogue! What the fuck!? He killed them, he fuckin killed them!” Panic and paranoia filled every word. “Haven’t you been listening?”

“Now here on your statement, it says he grew extra legs-” Officer Lefty was cut off immediately by a raving Eugene.

“Legs?!” The cigarette quivered violently as Eugene attempted to take a drag. “They weren’t legs! They were huge pricks man! Six massive pricks from under his toga!”

“Needles? He shot needles from his clothing?” Officer Righty asked as he jotted on his note pad.

“ARE YOU TWO FUCKIN STUPID?!?” The officer’s witness stood up quick enough to throw his chair to the floor sending it skittering behind him. Violently he thrust his pelvis back and forth. “Cocks! Dicks! Giant penises! He grew six massive cocks from underneath his toga and was prancing around like a god damned Daddy Schlong Legs!”

“And how would you describe these peni?” Righty asked.

Eugene looked at Officer Righty.

“Penises.” Corrected Lefty.

Then to Officer Lefty, his brow flattened.

“What?” Righty asked.

Then back to Righty…

“The plural for penis is penises, not peni.” Lefty replied.

Absolutely filled with defeat Eugene could do nothing but roll his eyes and sigh as they carried on.

A bit annoyed Officer Righty corrected himself. “Sorry, penises, how would you describe these penises?”

The entire night seemed like it was something out of some twisted alternate universe. Slightly he twitched and he felt like he was about to break. “Oh, well,” he replied dryly and with an air of sudden calm sophistication. “One looked like a mechanical yellow lion, another kind of like Santa Clause, and one looked like my third grade teacher Mrs. Lipschitz.” His fists clenched and he bellowed. “What the fuck to you mean ‘how would I describe them?’ Read my fuckin lips you greasy shit stain on the underwear of law enforcement! They. Looked. Like. Giant. DICKS!”

“Ooookay.” Lefty raised his palms in a passive nonviolent fashion. “No need to shout you know… lets move on.”

“Tell us what happened.” Officer Righty asked. “What happened after that?

“He… he exhaled some cloud of white glittery mist… I could smell it even from my vantage point.” With his chair now upright but still far from the table Eugene spoke through cupped hands as he tried to rub the stress from his face.

“How would you describe the smell?” Asked the right cop.

“Mint.” He answered. His throat was parched and his voice stressed from yelling. “I mean really, what did you expect from a guy with six tentacle cocks. Minty Fresh Death Breath is kind of par for the course at this point don’t you think?”

“And after the breath cloud?”

“Their clothes just exploded off in little ribbons and they all kind of just flopped there and started rubbing themselves, moaning and whatnot. His dicks just went to work, wrapping around their limbs and just forcing their way into them.”

The officers looked at each other then back to Eugene, “Go on.” One prodded.

“I was frozen, it was like every thing I told my body to do it just ignored. He just kept going, keeping his arms folded like some Dragonball Z villain or something, chuckling as he kept pumping into them. It was like he kept filling them up until they just exploded all over the place.” He stared off into nothing as the scene raced back through his mind.

“So, he filled them with ejaculate until they each burst?”

“Yeah.”

“Righty looked at Lefty and snapped off his Reno 911 officially licensed sunglasses. “We need an APB on this guy at once. Sir, is the name on your statement accurate?”

“Pornocles, Pornocles Shagandropolous.” Eugene raised his head. “That’s what he told me.”

The officers left the room but Eugene didn’t notice. He just sat there with these horrid images in his mind hopping that soon he would be home in his mother’s basement drowning in the sweet serenity of his anime and adult films. Tomorrow he’d wake up and all this would be over with and he could just get back to his normal life of porno and managing a Blockbuster.

“Novas… nothing but lunatics.” He said silently through a puff of glittery white cigarette smoke.

*****

Birth Name: Eugene Throgmorton

Aliases: Pornocles Shagandropolous

Birth Date: 08/18/1990

Place of Origin: His mother’s basement.

Gender: Male

Height: 5’4” (Eugene) / 6’6” (Pornocles)

Weight: 90 lbs. (Eugene) / 280lbs (Pornocles)

Hair: Unwashed (Eugene) / Blonde (Pornocles)

Eyes: Brown (Eugene) / Blue (Pornocles)

Occupation: Works at Blockbuster. (Eugene) / None, besides mastering his sexcraft. (Pornocles)

Background: Eugene was, and still is a pathetic man living his life out of his mother’s basement, indulging his meaningless life with fantasy RPGs in which he existed in a world that permitted him the chance to get laid. Sadly, fate allied against him and as of the writing of this bio he still has never succeeded in a single seduction role. He is in the WW hall of fame for “Most Seduction Botches By A Single Player”.

Late one night when the weight of his miserable existence finally caught up with him he decided to end it all… after a movie: A hentai that followed the adventures of Hermaphrodite, Greek goddess of some shit the Japanese made up to provide themselves, and us Americans, with something twisted to jerk off to. At the climactic scene where Hermaphrodite had to come face to face with the evil Hungphestus something called out to Eugene. Pausing the movie he told his mother he would be up in a minute to get his monthly flow-bee haircut.

He then heard something else…

There within the scene unfolding before him he saw a deeper meaning. He saw truth, peace, justice, and a desire to rub one out. It was then that Eugene was reborn. In the middle of the act Eugene’s ‘head’ throbbed with pain and in a mighty ‘explosion’ Pornoclese erupted onto the scene. A handsome, suave, and insatiable creature born from all of Eugene’s sexual repression. On that night four girlscouts, three nuns, and an entire bingo parlor of elderly women had survived the might of the Titan of Tang, the Baron of Boning, the Sultan of Snatch… PORNOCLES!

Eugene and Pornocles are separate entities. When Eugene succumbs to arousal or sexual frustration he morphs into his alter ego who then proceeds to dispense indiscriminate sexual justice upon all doers of evil, and sometimes anyone who looks like they could really use a good shagging. Eugene is never aware of the change, but always possesses the memories of the event as if he was there but could not act. The transformation can last a few hours, days, or (in one case) weeks. Although he does not always kill the women he ‘seduces’ he often gets incredibly excited and forgets that sometimes he needs to practice tenderness.