[Fiction] No Going Back (Adult)

[Li Ai Jun Yen]

The resignation letter had been sent, attached to a virus that would wipe certain records, acquired from an elite cyberkinetic who asked no questions in return for certain habits to remain unknown. His name had come up in the soma investigation that had brought her to Chicago, and that knowledge permitted her to blackmail him.

Unsurprisingly, an OpMail popped up in her soon-to-be defunct account. The Yellow Water Dragon had more worshippers than might be supposed in Indonesia, and she had known one worked for Interpol as administrative staff. It was how she spoke to him without Nan Ho being aware, and passed on his message back to the Sun King.

Congratulations and an offer. She accepted the former and rejected the latter politely. Ending her previous life left her unready to embrace... alternatives. Even if Nan Ho was one such as Yellow Water Dragon.

Wind howled outside the cheap boarding room, the latest in a long line, and gave Chicago its moniker most accurately. Though it was warm with the beginning of autumn in this country, the wind still blew with all the velocity of a monsoon at this time of night. Or perhaps it was her heart intensifying the weather to match the storm her life would become.

Not that she possessed control over the weather. That was the province of the Yellow Water Dragon and Nan Ho, not herself. Both claimed she was a goddess, but all she saw in her reflection was a thin Asian woman with too-bright eyes and cheap clothing who needed a good bath.

With that thought, she turned away from the cracked window and walked into the bathroom with its dingy off-white tiles and old-fashioned ceramic. She very deliberately stripped off the denim jeans and threadbare white t-shirt, cream sports bra and black hipster bikini underwear, dumping them in the corner before turning on the shower and stepping into the bath.

Thin, too thin. Her ribcage was too visible beneath the sugar-brown flesh of her torso, the flatness of her stomach between the sharp definition of her hipbones was alarming and the slightness of her frame looked more shrunken than deceptive. Coarse and dull, her straight black hair hung in clumps around her delicate shoulders, and her face was gaunt with too-bright black eyes.

How long had she looked like this? Her memory reminded her of the carefully orchestrated interviews, rare though they were, where make-up artists and hairdressers worked on her face and hair - to alter her natural appearance for the protection of her work as an agent, she was told. But was it to hide the damage that her duties were having on her?

She shook her head, dismissing idle speculation, and grabbed the shampoo that she had bought earlier. Once completely wet, she poured it over her hair and lathered up berry-scented foam until her locks were completely tangled. Two more times, after a complete rinsing, she did this. Conditioner, left in her hair for ten minutes, followed that.

When her hair was rinsed, she got the bottle of body wash and started to pay attention to her flesh and bones. Almonds, apricot oil and sandalwood foamed in the crevices and creases of her body wherever her hands took her, tracing half-remembered paths over skin the colour of raw sugar. Flushing with the memory of desire, the memory of pleasure, she slipped her hand over the pubic mound and between her vaginal lips, telling herself that she was cleansing down there.

But her fingers tangled in her black pubic hair and explored the folds of her most private place until she found her clitoris. Tentatively, remembering something Nan Ho had done with his hand there the last time they had made love, she brushed it with her thumb until her breath was coming in gasps and her insides were clenching. Soon, too soon, warmth was exploding from her groin in a rush to the extremities of her body, leaving a heated glow in its wake when it finally ebbed.

The rest of her washing was quick but thorough as she tried to avoid brushing sensitive spots. She had gotten side-tracked over the need for a good wash.

When it was all over, she turned off the shower and out, drying herself vigorously. She had washed off more than dirt and oil - she had washed off the detritus of a life. In the mirror of the bathroom, she was still too thin, but her skin was touched with a delicate rose blush and her hair shone with blue highlights.

She had always known that she possessed enhanced looks, but had rarely spent time wearing her own face, let alone looking at it. In the slant of her eyes, lacking epicanthic folds, and the rosebud of her lips, she saw her mother. Almost forgotten, Lei Xian lived in the fine bones of her daughter's face. Harold and Sarah Rais had sought to change her in their own image to a certain degree - Lei Xian was a woman who loved to laugh and enjoy herself, a woman who spent time with men. Harold had slept with her. When she had seen him last, he had been thinking about it. She had not yet confessed to Nan Ho that she had left America for a little while and returned home. But she had come back.

Lei Xian's daughter had focused more on the Confucian side of the mixed beliefs they had shared, mostly to please her new father and mother. They despaired of making a good Christian of her, but accepted her when she was being dutiful and obedient. And look where dutiful and obedient had gotten her.

The woman in the mirror had small breasts, tipped with almond-brown nipples, and an ethereal beauty. Was this the woman Nan Ho had seen? She hoped so.

A black collar around her neck slowly melted over her body, concealing the nakedness she had displayed for the mirror ... and Nan Ho. She had taken other lovers, usually under another face or from the colleagues she had worked with, but nothing had been emotional. Either she was pumping for information or trying to find some kind of release from the stress of her life. Love had never come into it.

Until Nan Ho.

She loved him. Shining and golden, she loved him. Since her mother, he had been the only one concerned for her wellbeing, for her sake. Not for the work she could do.

Earlier in the chat, she had given him her new name. Li Ai Jun Yen. Beauty, Love, Truthful, Yearning. The things she was, the things she wanted, the things she really could not say was in what category.

She was still confused. But there was no going back.

No going back. With that thought, she opened the window and left behind her OpNet device, clinging to the outside wall as she climbed down from her room in the howling wind.

No Going Back

[GDP_ST]

The room smelled strongly to his nova senses of paint and plaster, though at least the stink of Infernus' fire had been eliminated.

Procyon's bare feet felt the thick carpet underfoot as he toured the lavish apartment. The restoration had been well done, at least. The furniture was the same as before, right down to the genuine wood of his writing/computer desk. But it was not the same home.

Over the huge plasma screen t.v. hung a faithful reproduction Renoir, rather than the assegai spear that had been there previously. Whilst photographs still dotted the shelves and the desk, they were not the same images. And the printed paper volumes on the wooden shelves were not the same books he had had in his possession for so many years.

The glowing nova sighed, his blue eyes turning to a spot on the white-finished wall. Before, there had been a barely-discernible stain there that only his hyper-evolved senses could discern. He had loved to look at that mark, remembering the sudden and breathtakingly fiery passion of the woman who had made it with a plate of flying pasta.

Perfect lips twitched into a tender smile as he recalled the sight of her, a goddess unbound as she had hurled the plate and rounded on him, her dark hair flying as her eyes flashed with anger and outrage. Such a wellspring of passion lay in her, deeply suppressed and controlled. But at that moment she had shown him her true self, the fire of a just and moral heart.

And he had fallen in love at that moment.

Procyon sighed again, sinking into a comfortable couch as his memory replayed that night's events. The feel of her skin under his hand, the intake of her breath in his ear as thin (Too thin!) yet strong hands clutched at his shoulders. The dizzying sensation of her lips on his, of her hands shyly exploring his body as she cautiously let the reins off her passion...

He smiled shook his head vigorously to clear it of the enticing carnal images, amused at his own reminiscences. The smile faded somewhat as he glanced out of the room-length window at the windswept Chicago skyline. She was out there somewhere. No money, no job, and likely close to starving.

"Well, no more of that." Procyon was startled to hear his own voice thrum through the apartment. Time to go and find her. The Sun King decided silently, standing and moving over to the sliding pane. Find her and bring her home.

The solar aura flared into new life as unshod feet left the balcony, the golden Terat descending down into the concrete channels of the Windy City at a steady pace. I might not see her, especially if she's trying to blend in, but she will see me. Let's cruise around some.

[Li Ai Jun Yen]

"Excuse me," Ai apologised to the American couple enjoying a spot of late night sex on the roof of their apartment building. They were young and energetic, untouched by the myriad sorrows that life could bring... Or just untouched by them because they were from a First World country.

The woman, a petite blonde, merely giggled and made an offer for her to join in. Like the Yellow Water Dragon's message, she politely declined this one.... Much to the couple's disappointment, it seemed.

It was a moment's work to scramble over the roof's edge and down the ceiling, bypassing windows and fire escapes with the agility of a monkey. The slums of America were different to the shanty-towns of Asia, the scents no worse but alien to her. Even in the worst parts of Bali, her home island, there was colour in the green of trees and the blue of the sea. America was just dull and ugly brown-grey brick and metal.

Looking up from the street at the familiar tower, Ai saw Nan Ho descend like a dragon from the mountains of Heaven. Golden light, sunshine in the darkness... Was that her attraction to him? She had lived in shadows for much of her life.

Instinctively, she raised her hand out to him, whispering his name... *Nan Ho...*

[GDP_ST]

*...Nan Ho...*

He felt it, a faint whisper from beyond the closed door of his mental shields. Faint thought it was, the sound filled him with such happiness that he nearly laughed just from the joy of it. Unmistakable was that soft 'voice'. Unmistakable was the gentle longing carried on the ether. The name was uttered as a prayer, but of love, not worship.

He glanced around, vision capable of shaming a hawk's easily picking out a slender figure standing there on the street many metres below and many blocks away, a single hand upstretched to him. He hesitated not a moment longer.

With only a slight nudge from his node, the glowing Terat plunged to earth, zeroing in on the solitary black-clad woman who watched his approach with shining eyes. His face radiant, his gaze shining with jewel-like clarity, the godling slowed his descent to a drift at the last minute, bare feet touching down on the sidewalk.

The streaks of golden illumination highlighting his body seemed brighter, the shimmering warmth of his aura near-tropical to Ai as he reached out and cupped her face tenderly in his hands.

"Wo ai ni, shin gan(1)" He said softly in perfect Mandarin, his voice barely a whisper, yet it's resonant power thrumming through the touch like electricity. Shining azure eyes took in her face lovingly, their gaze not just reading her flesh, but her heart in a searing moment that seemed endless.

(1): I love you, my heart and soul.

[Li Ai Jun Yen]

"Wo ai ni, Nan Ho," she whispered in reply, thrilling at the touch of his fingers on her skin. Eyes, large and black, glittered with tears that she quickly blinked away. This was a time for joy, not tears.

Her thin arms slipped around his waist as she pulled him closer, pressing her body against his. In the light of his aura, she was a creature of shadow and ivory, the fabric of her one-piece garment not silk nor velvet nor leather nor anything identifiable, merely something that swallowed up illumination to betray no presence. It covered everything but her face, different only from her hair because her locks shone blue when light touched it.

*Were you looking for me?* she asked silently. *I was coming to you.*

[GDP_ST]

Procyon gently folded one arm around Ai's waist, his glowing fingers gently stroking her blue-black hair as he looked into her eyes.

*I was indeed looking for you.* He leaned his head down slightly and kissed her, letting his thoughts and feelings come through her telepathic gifts as they embraced.

[Li Ai Jun Yen]

Ai returned the kiss fervently, without the desperation that usually accompanied her caresses, sharing the emotions snd thoughts that she held.

*I have left. They will track me to the room I was staying in, but nothing more. I have left my money and everything, Nan Ho. I am ashamed to admit that I will need to rely on you until I can find some other work.*

Practical as ever even in the face of joy and reunion. She may have left Sujatmi behind, but she could not take Sujatmi out of her.

[GDP_ST]

And he loved her for that too, he silently told her as they held one another. The wind buffeted around them in impotent fury, its howl dying off to a sullen moan as Procyon's node pulsed a stream of quantum into the ether.

*All that I have is yours, shin gan. All that is within my power to give you is yours.* Procyon kissed her brow tenderly. *You are as welcome into my home as you are into my heart.*

*Come, I think you need some food and sanctuary.* The glowing Terat smiled, his joy evident despite the inhuman beauty of his face and the eerie clarity of his mind. *Do you wish to walk or fly?* His mental tone was light, lovingly teasing his love as he remembered her distaste for being airborne.

[Li Ai Jun Yen]

*Fly. I am expecting it now,* was the immediate answer. Not to mention the fact that she was ravenous.

Nan Ho adjusted the weather as easily as she had left behind her identity. He was an older nova to be sure, but how much of it was due to his Teras?

Ai shook her head inwardly. Idle speculation again. She braced herself for the sensation of leaving the ground.

[GDP_ST]

He gently picked Ai up and held her close as they took off smoothly, no jerk or jolt marring the silent acceleration upwards as Procyon headed back towards the peak of the Fordham Spire.

They were in the air perhaps five minutes before touching down once more, this time onto the balcony of the apartment. Stepping in through the sliding pane door with Ai still in his arms, Procyon smiled as he set the lovely Asian woman down on the thick carpet, letting his hands rest on her hips as he gave her a small kiss on the lips.

"Welcome home, Ai." He said quietly, his eyes locked on hers.

[Li Ai Jun Yen]

"Thank you," Ai whispered. It was so easy to call herself Beauty now, instead of the name her mother had given her.

What would Lei Xian think of her daughter now?

Nan Ho's home looked almost the same, but to Ai, little things that were different stood out glaringly. For a moment, she felt rage that some close-minded fools had dared to destroy his home - their home - she reminded herself, and then she tamped it down. Anger would not serve here, nor was it the time.

"I will not throw dinner this time," she promised softly, gazing up at Nan Ho with eyes full of love.

[GDP_ST]

"A pity." Procyon replied with a knee-melting smile. "I was reminiscing about that earlier. I often looked at that spot fondly." The glowing man winked mischievously as he took Ai by the hand and led her into the kitchen. A vaguely mouthwatering smell emanated from the now-dormant oven. Procyon released her hand and stepped over to the appliance, leaving her standing by the counter.

"The fridge, freezer and cupboards are fully stocked." He told Ai as he opened up the oven door and reached in, pulling out a still-hot baking dish with his bare hand. Steam rose from the baked cheese surface of the whatever-it-was as Procyon set it down on the counter, grinning over at her. "Lasagne. Italian seemed to agree with you last time, so I tossed together one of the first things I learned how to cook. It's not gourmet, but it's tasty and sticks to your ribs." He served her up a nova-sized plateful and set it on the counter in front of a stool, gesturing at it invitingly.

"Sit. Eat." He not-quite ordered her with a slight smile as he set out a large glass of milk next to her plate.

[Li Ai Jun Yen]

Ai obeyed Nan Ho and applied herself to the food with gusto, deciding not to spoil his pleasure by telling him she was now acquainted with lasagne... from the dumpster truck behind the Italian restaurant near her last boarding room. Oh no, she was not going to tell him that.

The food was tasty, and it was clear Nan Ho knew how to cook. Ai lamented that the best she could cook was rice noodles softened in water or miso soup from a sachet. Her life had left her little time to learn.

Maybe she could learn, and apply some of the traditional strengths of a woman to the household.

[GDP_ST]

He sat next to Ai companionably as she ate, taking a small portion for himself and picking at it. His resonant voice soft, he spoke conversationally of what had transpired since the Pow-Wow. His manner was relaxed yet intimate, grinning mischievously as he relayed the Wakinyan's (literally) stormy initial reaction to the outrageous task his mentor had set him of living as a woman. As he spoke of the epiphany inspired by a conversation with a young nova and his split from the Teragen 'mainstream', his manner became a little more reflective, his tone a little more sombre.

"The press conference was, in retrospect, an impulsive act borne of a rush of blood to the head. The whole matter just seemed so... clear to me. And now, on top of the attacks to come, I have people OpMailing me threats, or asking to be my disciple, or wanting me to come on talk shows to discuss Teras with 'nova experts' and go and lecture at colleges." Procyon snorted, his blue eyes glinting in good-humoured amusement. "Professor Procyon, PhD in Anarcho-Terat Studies. How does that sound?" He laughed quietly, the lines of golden light that emphasised the lines of his god-like form pulsing as though in sync with his buoyant spirits.

Procyon refilled his lover's glass of milk and reached out, stroking her glorious blue-black hair tenderly before trailing warm fingertips down her neck, his voice gentle. "I'm glad you're here, Ai."

[Li Ai Jun Yen]

Ai looked up sombrely at Procyon, the woman who was Sujatmi Rais clear in her almond-shaped black gaze.

"You were on the path before you knew it, Nan Ho. To be a moral being is a hard thing, but you will not be walking alone. I will be with you, no matter what happens."

She looked back down at her food. "I am glad to be here with you. Duty was a burden that I could not hold with the conflict in my heart no longer."

[GDP_ST]

Procyon curled one arm around her and planted a kiss on one golden-tinted cheek. His other hand came up, cupping Ai's cheek and turning her face to his. No words were spoken - the message was clear in the sapphire vaults of his eyes as he leaned in and kissed her lips with gentle abandon.

Procyon's writhing halo of solar light enveloped them both, the warmth of his radiance caressing Ai's skin through her clothing as he tugged her closer to him, softly tangling his fingers in her hair; all thoughts of the outside world forgotten, all notions of the responsibilities to be addressed on the morrow set aside.

[Li Ai Jun Yen]

Ai returned the kiss with all the passion she possessed, allowing herself the luxury of letting go, of feeling wholly and solely, of actually showing the truth. Words in a mixture of languages, spoken in the tones of love, dripped from her mouth between frantic kisses.

Come what may, Ai was home, body and soul.

No going back.