Aberrant RPG - OPFICE 2010 STOLEN

[Matt]

<font size="4">OPFICE 2010 STOLEN</font>

by Jack Slack

SEATTLE -- Tired Viasoft media representative David Kern addressed the assembled media in an early morning press conference to confirm the rumours that surfaced less than 12 hours before.

"We do regret to announce," Kern stated, "That the upcoming OpFice 2010 has been completely stolen from our central computers." Kern, though unquestionably suffering from a sleepless night, endured an extended set of questions, revealing the exact details of the theft: At four minutes past twelve this morning, the entire source code for the much anticipated program was erased from the computers. 3 separate copies of the source code were kept on EuFibre storage discs, all 3 have been reported stolen. Viasoft's unparalleled security system was, apparently, never corrupted and was operating perfectly at all times. But it appeared fallible enough not to prevent this disastrous breach.

Kern also delivered the grave economic consequences for Viasoft, a confirmed 8 million in research and development lost, confirmed 2 billion in contracts, an estimated 2 billion lost in share value, and another estimated 3 billion lost in actual sales. Kern, however, was quick to point out Viasoft's 2006/07 profits of 21 billion dollars. Kern assured the stock holders of Viasoft, "We will recover from this. This hurts us, we don't pretend to deny that, this will hurt us badly. But we will recover, and we do remain the leaders in Information Technology."

Kern also reported that some security photos of the offender have been found. He regretted that he did not have those photos available for the media, but assured the media they would be available by the end of the week. He described the suspected perpetrator as "A young woman, approximately 20 years old with black hair. She wore a black EuFibre/Spandex body suit with white stripes up the side, and a white mask that allowed her hair to pour out the back in a long ponytail." Kern also expressed his beliefs that the thief was a Nova, "She just seems to have walked in and walked out without tripping anything. She was like a ghost." Kern's tired face none the less expressed his amazement at how easily this crime was perpetrated.

OpFice 2010, the latest update to the exceedingly popular OpNet publishing software, was scheduled to be released in late 2009. Now, however, the project has been completely cancelled. Kern indicated that instead, the next OpFice will be released in 2011 with all new features.