World of Darkness World of Darkness: Attrition - A Mirror, Darkly (Chapter One) [Complete]

[Vienne Carreau]

[Laptop entry, 22 Aug 08]

Typically, there is nothing worth writing about that wouldn't be compromising valuable secrets. Lately, there has been an unusual amount of night activity. Finally, I have a pattern to observe to follow within my studies in sociology. My purpose in this writing is precisely for that reason.

There is a young one, Adrian. He is skittish and we seem to keep running into each other. Either I make him very nervous or he is always nervous. Hmm. He always seems to show up when I'm trying to get my freak on. What's with that? At any rate, I don't think it's intentional.

Something is wrong. Tonight, this Adrian found where I was and interrupted the start of a lovely little rendezvous with Lucien Hunt. Of all the times! To my surprise he wanted my help in finding a killer. The sort of killer he calls "were " and eats people. Someone who might have been in my area. He wants my help in finding this mystery man, but Hollywood's a big place. I'll see what I can do. As for LH, I'm warned by Adrian almost as though Hunt is property of a very, very Gangrel female that I met briefly -an associate of Adrian's.

He didn't rhapsodize over her, so I'm ruling out Thralldom. A ghoul, perhaps? How...wasteful. There's always the possibly of neither, of course. How is a girl supposed to have any fun here?

On a more serious note, they could be a coterie and I should be careful.

....

Later

I had some business to take care of. I hunted a little more, Raph just didn't fill me up and I'm not about to take his life. What am I going to do with him?

Anyway, earlier I had a scary moment. Underwear model guy changes into a psychic who knows where the killer is, though he admits he's not familiar with him. I can't say why, but I believe he was telling me the truth. I left him with Adrian's card. Good luck to them, but I have to deal with my problems away from someone else's territory. That could have been very bad. If Sarah and I threw down over a pretty vessel, I'd be sick. How far would I have degenerated to lose all sense of self-preservation? I'd deserve whatever I got for being stupid. If Lucien were mine - I know how I would react if she moved in on that and I'd know just what parts to remove first! One does not make mess where they sleep (or hunt as the case may be). Did he HAVE to have a name like HUNT for crying out loud? Why not just serve him up on a plate in nothing but his fancy CK underoos and his birthday suit? What is my existence coming to, where I have more common sense than I want! ARGH!

Ok, calming down, I hunted tonight already. Sheez.

Right, there's this killer. I might be conveniently found by Adrian again. So help me, if he interrupts me again I will stalk him and every time he is about to feed I will interrupt him. There are boundaries, there is such a thing as respect. That was just bad timing. He should have known better, maybe he thought he was doing me a huge favor by telling me about Sarah and Lucien, but it would have been innocent if I hadn't known, wouldn't it? Damn you, Adrian! Haha, no use crying over spilled milk. It does make me laugh in retrospect despite my irritation, but Adrian owes me a favor now and I think I might just make him share his dinner for the next decade just to show him what it's like to lose one's privacy.

How the hell did Lucien Hunt know where to find that guy and what the hell did Adrian mean, "were", "man eater"?

[Vienne Carreau]

[Laptop entry cont'd, August 22nd, 4am.]

Raphy picked me up tonight, he was just what I needed. We almost didn't make it back to his penthouse. I pulled him into my sleeping area and satiated myself like a good little glutted whore. It was so empty and humiliating the way I needed him. I actually said "I need you". What. An. Idiot.I can't seem to keep my head straight at all. Angela, she was no different. Her circle of friends weren't like us, they were clear-headed. Why couldn't Angela have been like that? How could she do this to me and then bail?

I put Raph in a position of trust and practically treat him as my ghoul. I put on these little acts of fondness for him, but he's just...convenient. Angela had her friends bound to her and they were Kindred. They had absolute love for one another, but it was only the blood. One day, their jealousy will tear them apart or their pining will make them starve away into a very long sleep. I won't ever become Thrall to another ever again. I should kill her for this. Every night I search to satiate, to replace what's missing, but she's gone now. I wasn't mad like this when we were friends, when I was kine. There is something most assuredly not right in my head and this Beast within me does not help. If I could I would divorce myself of emotion altogether if it would cure this torture. When I'm well fed I can say this. When I wake up, I'm hungry and it's unconscionable. For the moment, I am myself again, almost. Left with only the hunger of physical desire. There seems to be nothing I can do about that, nothing works. Angela would dole out a droplet in an expression of some mad noblesse obligé and I could never refuse. That act was the closest thing to the Embrace I would ever know. Just recalling it burns me within. The problem is, I can't stop recalling it. Like the hunger inside of me, it is always there under the surface.

Back to Raph: I'm hearing at work that Raph's dad thinks I've gotten his son into drugs. He sometimes doesn't seem so well. When I don't score with a decent target to my satisfaction I return to reliable Raph, it's what he's there for. He irritates me no end with the stupid way he looks at me, as if he needs me to drink from him or he'll die. It's jarring how like him I was to her. I hate it, but he has three things going for him:

1) I'm known to be associated with the guy and

2) He is convenient should I need almost anything

3) He provides

Against him:

1) He might rat me out if I left. The others might come for me, whoever they are.

2) He might try to find me in Hollywood.

3) Nothing short of death or being sent very far away will make him stop obsessing.

Maybe I can send him to join the Peace Corps? They'll fly him out some remote region of the world where they won't see a plane but every six months or something. Maybe a couple years away might cool his addiction? I could try making him hate me, but then that could backfire and I don't want to kill him. I could never kill such a harmless creature.

I should persuade him to undertake a noble act on my behalf, far away. I think I'll start with little mentionings of how I admire the Armed Forces. He'd be forced to stay in by his new keepers. Sure, I could! It'd put hair on his chest! But for now, I need him here until I can secure a new holding. This place is perfect and it's his. Maybe he'll let me stay here? Is that wise?

I feel very stupid for creating no better a slave than I was to Angela. I know even now were she here, I would simply lay my head in her lap. I would do anything she asked. She makes me feel powerless and I am glad she is gone. Even so stating, it feels monstrous just to type it.

I don't want to be hers anymore. I don't want anyone to be mine, now, either. I was inexperienced, stupid. I thought I was clever. I was surviving. But there are no excuses.

Tonight I met a man who wasn't afraid of me. Maybe the lion is perhaps allowing too many liberties by letting others place a hand in its mouth? If I meet him again, I will be fed and I will not lose control. I can see why Sarah keeps him around, a playboy like that could tug my puppetstrings too easily with my particular weaknesses. He is also probably used to having things his way. For the first time, I think a kine has surprised me. I will not be played for information again. I do not like feeling vulnerable. Especially to someone with particularly interesting associations that doesn't fear what I am. Lucien Hunt seems to like playing with fire. He might be a dangerous man. I'll try to keep my resolve should there be a next time.

[Vienne Carreau]

August 21st - 1:20am

Vienne wiped a droplet from her chin and licked it off her finger. Floating on a dream of pleasure, her inner beast was contented. The young woman lay draped over her lap and right arm limply. A club kid and the perfect early evening kind, too. The sort that freshens up before going. The sort that didn't get high first. The unaddicted kind. This was primo, clean, first class dining...and in style, too!

The young miss, Jaris, wore 'STUDENT' stamped on her forehead. She was very young. She had the sweetest blonde stubbly pigtails, striped gothy stockings, little latex ruby slippers and a very short black dress with white lace and white bodice lacing. She was well-formed and outgoing, chirpy. Beautiful red mouth. Vienne had opened with a compliment and closed with a kiss. She had actually put a good 2 hours into this particular one.

It was worth it, drawing her into the ladies room. Jaris was a good girl that could be easily corrupted. In that way, she reminded Vienne of herself only a few years ago. She really did have a beautiful physique and musculature. Vienne guessed at some manner of athletic hobby. Jaris was clearly not one of those yogurt-guzzling, bulemic trust fund babies in Magna Cum Loud. Unusual of those favoring the gothic look, Jaris was fair-skinned but her complexion betrayed the slight golden tan of one who occasionally skips off to Venice Beach. Vienne caught herself. This train of thought was dangerous. She didn't even know this child. She was no more her sister or confidante than Raphael was her childe-to-be. Her weight felt warm, soft, and reassuring. There would be no more of this.

Vienne hadn't intended for her to pass out. She'd got a little careless. Setting Jaris on the toilet seat and conscientiously placing her little baby doll purse behind her back where it could not be seen by the casual spectator, Vienne departed the stall with a whistful glance back over her shoulder. She was so sweet when she was sleeping.

The toilet was not Vienne's ideal place to feed. It was the best she could do to avoid cameras and staff attention.

Jaris had played along and stifled giggles as women came and went, the two of them huddled in a rear stall together. Her seduction required no alchohol. Most women Vienne pulled needed some coaxing. She wasn't always so lucky with sexual preferences in her victims, but tonight was like winning the lottery. Vienne was fond of this one, it had been a perfect hunt.

Well, Jaris. Au revoir.

Vienne checked her appearance in the mirror, adjusting her long chiffon red scarf tied like a collar mid-neck. Checking for excess droplets and brushing a loose lock behind her ear with an ivory finger, she refused to look back as she left.

There will be others, she consoled herself.

[Vienne Carreau]

[Laptop entry, Aug 21st 10:45 pm]

Epicurean? EPICUREAN? Me!?

So some intellectual type I ran into at Borders says there's two types of pleasure principle. Epicurean and hedonist. He says he can tell I'm the first type. I would think reading lesbian erotica about rendezvous between strangers and the shiny playboy bunny pin at the end of my scarf would be obvious enough. Am I just not trying hard enough? And it gets worse. I work on the guy for two hours. I think 'This one's intelligent enough, let's see if I can't do my thing without using mojo' and here at the end of the two hours he embarrassedly tells me he is gay and was just making polite conversation!

Note to self: Society may have forgotten what Epicureanism is.

[Vienne Carreau]

[Laptop entry, August 2008]

I can extrapolate the following from my recent experiences:

People play games

People play games that entice them because they are lonely

People play games that will bring destruction to themselves or others if it holds the promise of satisfaction

People pretend not to be aware the game, and that is the funniest part of all.

It's like a roomfull of dancers working in unison while wearing blindfolds, pretending like they don't know where their feet will go next. Of course, they know how the dance goes. My Sire called it The Requiem.

[Vienne Carreau]

[Laptop entry, August 2008]

,,

It's a funny thing, how I sit in a crowd and try to remember what it was like to feel like that. Human. I observe the way the women breathe when they dance: panting, holding their breath. It's funny to me, because I watch them to learn how to imitate them more naturally.

I can't remember how I breathed when I danced, I never really paid attention. I tried dancing a little tonight. It wasn't as fun as it used to be, so I pretended it was fun. Then it almost was. That's also a funny thing.

I was close to a man in one dance. I tried to remember what it was like to feel close to a stranger and be into the dance. I couldn't.

I just got hungry.