[Fiction] Villainy-Senator Jacob Cooper

[N News Service]

All right you mouth-breathing little bitches, Zach Bronstein here to lay it down for you so that you chimps can actually know what the hell is going on in our government. Yep, that’s a big word folks, Gu-Vern-Mint, say it slow. We’re talking about those folks that pass laws trying to keep you from killing each other through either murderous intent or sheer stupidity. Damn them for preventing the latter. I don’t think of myself as a liberal, conservative or any such nonsense, I just want as many of you stupid fucks to die as quickly as possible. I’ve got places to go and there are far too many of you on the road.

Today’s vitriol is focused on one Senator Jacob Cooper out of Ohio. His party membership doesn’t mean dick, what matters is that he is Adolph Hitler reborn. That means he’s a very bad man for those of you who went to public schools. Now, Ol Jacob doesn’t have it in for the Chosen People so it’s not like my Hebrew Ass is worried. But if you’re walking around with a Node, or you like folks who walk around with a Node, I’d suggest you clue in to this Cro-Magnon fuck’s scary-ass point of view.

We have reached a point in our history, not just as a nation but as a people, in which our very existence is threatened. I understand that many, many novas do good things for our planet and I do not support the wholesale racism that is flung at them by extremists. But at the same time I am aware how potent their presence is. One nova’s opinion, if backed by a superhumanly powerful charm, is capable of swaying the opinions of thousands if not millions. This nova’s argument does not have to be sensible, rational or even sane if it is powered by their quantum energy. Can our judicial system stand up to a super-powered mesmerist that can alter the reason of any judge or jury? Can a Congressman be expected to deal with a lobbyist possessing supernatural powers of persuasion? Our government needs to be protected, our people need to be protected against those whose metahuman abilities are coupled with a subversive agenda.

Okay kiddies, I’m aware that the “Good” Senator used some big words there so let me break it down for you with a quick Zach Translation Special: Blah-blah-blah-Take away freedom of speech from Novas-blah-blah. Did you understand that? This bargain basement fascist is talking about protecting you from Alejandra because maybe she’ll make you a Catholic. Or make sure that Mefistofolleez doesn’t try to tune you into the plight of the inner-city after he’s done ranting about bitches, hoes and the big bling. The former furry freak and lobbyist for public television, Big Monster C? He’d be out of a job with Senator Cooper in charge, well, if he hadn’t already gone nuts and disappeared from the public eye. That’s right the guy who spent his time making sure kids got some actual decent programming booted out of participating in his government.

Think I’m shitting you? Think I’m talking about portions of the heavens dropping down upon my downy head? Here’s an excerpt of Senator Cooper’s doom propaganda from a speech he gave at Families United, a family values coalition that actually means all families, not just right-wing Republican ones.

We’ve made great strides in the last ten years when it comes to recognizing that ‘family’ is not a word that any one group can own. It means single-parent families, same-sex parent families, and families of all shapes and sizes. Groups like you have worked hard to ensure recognition, both legal and social, of families of all types in order to ensure that we are a fair and just country. I admire that and I applaud you for that. But I do have to ask you, what happens if on charismatic individual takes the stage who believes strongly that homosexuals are deviants not deserving of legal protections? Most would say that we’ve come too far for that. That rational thought has taken hold. And if we were simply talking of some hateful, run-of-the-mill bigot that they would be right. But what if, what if that bigot had powers beyond the norm? What if he or she was so persuasive that they could shape minds with just a few words? That is something I am fearful of ladies and gentlemen and I’m hoping that you will heed my words today.”

Now, I’m a journalist extraordinaire so of course I’ve got my sack in a twist over some DC schmuck messing with the right to tell people when their full of shit. Doesn’t matter that I don’t have a node, even without one I’m so fucking cool that his arguments could be used against me. But if that was the extent of his assholier-than-thou crap I wouldn’t be in such a dither. No, that ain’t all. Not by a long shot. It seems that someone, somewhere, had enough brains to send me some real juicy shit and I of course have the balls to print it. So behold, a copy of a ‘secret’ memo from Senator Jacob to Senator Pryde of the Senate Intelligence Commitee regarding what else, Novas.

Quote:

To: Senator Arlen Hyde

Senate Intelligence Commitee

Re: Surveillance and Preparedness

Senator Hyde I am hoping to garner support for a measure I expect to put before Committee at the earliest possible time. Directive observation of nova activity has been a great boon to our international relations and security so I hope to expand upon it by authorizing either the Federal Bureau of Investigation or the Homeland Security Agency to collect data on citizen novas and those novas from other countries within our borders in regards to threats to national security. As you’ll see from the attached legislation I’m not suggesting universal wiretapping or anything so alarming. I simply want our intelligence and law enforcement community to have the tools at their disposal to deal with those novas that skirt the law. I hope you’ll agree to a meeting to discuss my legislation.

Now, I wasn’t lucky enough to get this ‘legislation’ and my contacts in Big Brother’s Playground weren’t forthcoming so who knows how scary this shit really it, but face facts Joe and Jill Kegbellly, it’s fucking scary. It’s an opening salvo on a war against an entire people and Senator Cooper could be our very own Joseph Goebbels. Who? Oh fucking look it up.