[Fiction] As Seen On TV

[Charlotte]

EXT. BATTLEFIELD - DAY

This is a Kashmir battlefield. Two Elites - Dethskul and Meatsmack - are brushing chunks of burnt insurgent off of themselves. Their clothing is in tatters.

DETHSKUL

Aw, I hate it when they

pull the pin out of the

grenade before I kill them.

MEATSMACK

Me too! This was a

brand new outfit!

A third Elite - named Harry Headshot - lands between then. He is wearing a spandex outfit that is spotless.

HARRY HEADSHOT

IEDs again, boys?

DETHSKUL

Aw, Harry - your outfit

always looks so spotless

when you're cleaning out

dissidents! What's your

secret?

MEATSMACK

It can't be eufiber -

you've got that allergy,

just like I do!

HARRY HEADSHOT

Oh, this isn't eufiber,

fellas. This is a

eufiber substitute!

DETHSKUL

A eufiber substitute?

HARRY HEADSHOT

That's right, Dethskul -

it's called 'I Can't

Believe It's Not Eufiber!'

CUT TO

A shot of the spray can the product comes in. The logo is accentuated.

ANNOUNCER

I Can't Believe It's

Not Eufiber uses a

special synthetic polymer

that's quantum-conductive!

CUT TO

The spray can being sprayed onto a nova's perfect muscles It changes color as soon as it touches the skin.

ANNOUNCER

All of the strength and

adaptability of eufiber,

but now every nova can

enjoy its benefits!

CUT TO

The battlefield. All three Elites are outfitted with I Can't Believe It's Not Eufiber. A man with an explosive device strapped around his chest runs up to them, screaming.

SUICIDE BOMBER

I kill at your face!

BOOM. He explodes. And asides from leftover bits of suicide bomber, all three Elites are okay, along with their outfits.

HARRY HEADSHOT

Hahaha!

MEATSMACK

HAHAHAHAHAHA!

DETHSKUL

No suicide bomber's going

to mess up our outfits now!

Thanks, Harry!

ANNOUNCER

I Can't Believe It's Not Eufiber!

Available through Whitecastle

Science and Technology. Caution:

Use of I Can't Believe It's Not Eufiber

may cause drowsiness, feelings of nausea,

and spontaneous conversion to inappropriate

philosophical viewpoints. Do not inquire

about the price of I Can't Believe It's Not

Eufiber if there is a history of heart

disease in your family. Whitecastle Science

and Technology cannot be held responsible

for any loss of time, money, or feeling

in extremities while using this product.

If you are a nova and are pregnant while

using I Can't Believe It's Not Eufiber, please

call 1-800-PRO-TEUS for further instructions.

Do not use I Can't Believe It's Not Eufiber

if you are nursing a child or a grudge. If

you are currently taking adrenocilin,

moxinoquantamine or Tic-Tacs, please limit

usage of I Can't Believe It's Not Eufiber

to no more than two hours a day. Do not use

I Can't Believe It's Not Eufiber while

reading Anne Rice novels. If your

Mazarin-Rashoud node feels "kind of itchy,"

please discontinue use of I Can't Believe

It's Not Eufiber.