[Fiction] N!TV Cribs!

[Gerald Haney]

"Alright Mr. Haney, we're just gonna follow you around and you show us the place, okay?"

"Really? Don't you say anything? Aren't you the host or something?"

"No, no sir, I'm Bethany Stark, I'm the producer."

"Oh...okay. Not even going to ask me questions?"

"Well, not usually. I mean, if I think you're passing up something the viewers might find really fascinating I'll pop in, but we really try to make this more about you showing off your home."

"Okay, fair enough I guess. So, just start?"

"Yes, go ahead, camera is recording and we'll edit out all the unnecessary stuff."

"Cool. **ahem**, Okay. Hi folks! Gerald Haney here, former employee of Project Utopia and current co-proprietor of the Brisa Del Mar, a hotel here in lovely Havana."

"This is our lobby, restored to classic Cuban architecture. The wood is all original as is the tile and the glass. Restoration took six weeks just in this room alone. You'll notice it isn't very crowded. We don't have many rooms and we like to keep a certain friendly, low key atmosphere."

"Ummmm, Mr. Haney?"

"Yeah? I'm sorry. Did I miss something?"

"No, no....actually yes. Uh, why is that statue placed upsidedown on the ceiling?"

"Oh? Oh yea, sorry. See, that's been there awhile, I've kind of gotten not to notice it."

"Really? Well, why did you have it installed on the ceiling? Upside down?"

"Yeah, we didn't. It kind of just...showed up there one morning. We think. After a party. No one saw it end up there. But there it is. And it isn't attached. It's just sitting there...upside down. Don't ask me how."

"Oh, okay. Fair enough. Being quiet now."

[Gerald Haney]

"Out here we have the patio and pool area. As you can see the pool is...being maintenenced."

"That looks like an iceberg."

"Yeah, yeah it does. Because it is. You see that pretty lady sunbathing on top of it? That's Patrice Gillo, Australian supermodel and Bollywood starlet. Tarot's doing a piece on her and she said something about really liking Eiceburg Water, it's a bottled water, and Willy misdunderstood her and brought that in."

"Okay, this isn't going to work. How about we just accept I'm going to be asking a bunch of questions okay?"

"Yeah, sure. No problem."

"Who's, Willy?"

"Oh, you'll probably meet him. He's a nova too. He thinks that Patrice's eyes are really pretty. So he brought her an iceberg. Tarot thinks he's got a crush. I just think he's kinda loopy."

"But, anyway, the patio is also original tile but that stained glass gazebo type structure over there? That's Tarot's design. It changes color depending on the angle of the sun. It has room for three tables and it's popular for the guests for dining."

"We had all these plants brought in from the local countryside. It gives a nice sense of privacy and allows for less than casual clothing options without worry. We've got scramblers from some top flight security firms. Scrambles even the best telephoto equipment and sound recorders. We really mean it when we like our privacy."

[Gerald Haney]

"Alright, in here we have the dining room. The mural is Tarot's work of course. Don't get used to it though. He comes in here every few weeks and changes it."

"Really? Why? It's beautiful."

"I dunno. After I interupted him once telling him to leave the one with all the nymphs alone he kinda freaked out. He's a mellow enough guy but when he's slinging paint he gets kind of intense. I'm pretty sure he wouldn't have hired Totentaz to kill me but I've seen his commision checks and I know it's not in the realm of the impossible."

"In here we have the kitchen. The chef's are all local. Tarot loves the cuisine and likes it authentic. Once you taste Hernando's maduros and congri you'd be hard pressed to disagree."

[Gerald Haney]

"Okay, this is my room. As you can see I love natural wood and warm tones. Lot's of comfort here. I love the soft fabrics."

Wow, this seems....kind of normal.

"Heheh. Yeah, I'm just a normal guy. Nothing special about me outside of working with Tarot. And trust me, that's enough weird for any three Phoenix Room parties."

"Of course, I have to have the entertainment center. It's a beauty and I'm too ashamed to tell you how much it cost. My mother would smack me across the face for it."

"And this is my pride and joy."

A window?

"Yes. This is made out of the finest and clearest glass that Sr. Bedobar can churn out. Just in case you don't know him, he's a glass-maker with a node. Mostly does incredible art. He's got a piece in New Ground, but I threw enough money at him so he'd make this window for me. He understood how important the view is for me."

"The view? I'm sorry, but the window is more of a skylight. I mean, only a little bit of it is on the walls. It looks like you can only really look out of it when you're in bed. All you could see is stars."

"Well, yeah. I love check out space when I lay down for a good night's rest. Jupiter is a blast just to lay back and look at."

"Jupiter?"

"Yeah, the Red Spot is really soothing."

"Red Spot? But, that's millions of miles away...."

"Yeah, hundreds of millions. But still, quite a sight."

[Gerald Haney]

"This is our garden. It's pretty popular with our guests. It's a good place for some privacy. Tarot got Mary Mary to come in and do her plant hoodoo so this place pretty much takes care of itself."

Oh my lord.....it's.....unbelievable.

"Heh. Yeah, that's the reaction we usually get."

How big is it? It seems huge.

"Well, it's pretty big. Maybe a third of an acre. Cost a pretty penny to get the land but well....it was worth it."

Oh, I'd say so. I mean, the trees look like they've been here for decades!

"Yeah, MM does her thing with style. The whole place feels like it's a hundred years old but nope, less than ten months. Sweet eh?"

Absolutely it's.....WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!?!

"What? What's wrong?!?

It, it looked like, I don't know. Furry, round and....well....weird.

"Oh, that was Marvin Jr. Zach Bronstein stayed here several months back to interview Tarot and that thing showed up. He claims it's just like some...thing that lives in his office. No idea where it came from. But, he doesn't bother folks and does a good job of keeping pest out. Haven't seen a single rat on the property in months."

Oh, that's...nice.