Aberrant: Stargate Universe - Unforseen Consequences

[Yseult Sierra]

Yseult studied the younger man who looked older than her appearance would suggest, arching a brow, a faint curve to one side of her mouth at his charming tone. "I am thinking, you are being to modest, you," Yseult murmured, then nodded. "The specialists here at the SGC, they are showing only mild symptoms of Quantum Backlash Syndrome."

The stunning young doctor leaned forward, eyes wide, a slim finger pointing for emphasis. "For example, my eyes, they are of an intense turquoise, very rare, but not unnatural. However, the diameter of the iris, it is 124% thicker than average, over 66% thicker than the current medically determined record. Declan Perrault, his eyes are a metallic silver that is impossible for a human to possess. He also developed a psychological... quirk that I am not at liberty to discuss. Doctor, client privilege, you are understanding? Sergeant Cole, his voice has a mechanical, monotone quality. These are very minor, relatively speaking."

Yseult sighed. "Strictly speaking, these are not in themselves dangerous. However, the damage is cumulative and minor effects can progress. Kyria Thea and Omar Khudikias, they are from a world where those with our capabilities are far more common and they described the effects of rampant Quantum Backlash. They can be... extreme. Vastly emphasized musculature beyond anything possible with steroids and hormones, loss of limbs or the gaining of extra, the same with sensory organs. A whole host of mental problems - some that we are familiar with, though not treatable due to their source, as well as others arising from the nature of their... abilities. Lack of control of said abilities as well as a... bleeding of the energies we use to power our abilities. Sometimes, they lose the ability to turn off their powers entirely. The affects, they are nearly infinite."

Yseult leaned forward even more and took his hands in her own. "I do not say this to scare you, Wakiki. But you asked for examples, and these are the ones I know. Do I think you will be affected so adversely? No. But I would be remiss if I did not reveal the possibilities, however extreme or likely. The things that have been done to us, they are a forced evolution that our bodies are not fully ready for. There will be effects, of varying degree, they all of us will need to adjust to and be wary off."

Yseult smiled sadly. "I am hoping I have not scared you about something you had no hand in choosing for yourself. But some caution, it is a good thing, yes?"

[z-Wakiki Izumi]

"Caution's good. I like caution," Wakiki said before breaking into a sudden grin. "I knew it! I knew Declan wasn't normal! Those eyes were just too freaky, right?" He caught himself and added, "But I don't mean to judge or anything. I just thought they were weird, and he... told me nothing useful. Just that something he couldn't talk about had happened." It wouldn't do to get Declan in trouble on his first day with the team. Wakiki realized he hadn't seen the big guy yet - and the thought tumbling around Yseult's head told him why.

Swallowing back his disappointment at this turn of events, Wakiki nodded at Yseult. "Thanks for letting me know all that," he said softly. "I really appreciate someone leveling with me." He left the implication unsaid - that people hadn't been leveling with him. "So, do I clear your inspection or do you need me to stick out my tongue and say, 'Ahh?'"

[Yseult Sierra]

Yseult snorted delicately, giving Wakiki a small smirk. "Your tongue, it will not tell me anything my eyes cannot see." Her uncanny eyes considered him for a moment, a finger tapping her lips. He was concealing something, she was sure, but she did not wish to pry, nor could she blame him. "Bon! I am not seeing anything that is overly concerning to me. However, if you are noticing any changes, new and spontaneous, or otherwise, or questions and concerns, please, do not be hesitating to call me, yes?"

Yseult collected her notes and samples for later testing, then the two of them stood and began to head back towards the others. Just as the left her lab and Yseult locked the door, she laid a hand gently on Wakiki's shoulder. "I do not wish to press you, Wakiki," she said softly in her French-accented soprano, "but if you will be joining us in the field, it would be best if you divulge your capabilities, at the very least, to Major Hawke. That way, we are able to plan accordingly and know what to expect, yes?"

[Ryan Hawke]

"Good."

He looked to the others. "Anyone else have complaints or issues they want to air, or any questions for me?"

[z-Wakiki Izumi]

"Don't worry," Wakiki assured the doctor in a soft voice. "I'm getting with the program here, and the program seems to be 'need to know.' Those who need to know, will." He gave her a charming grin and added, "I am figuring out who has my back and who has plans to stab me in the back."

His piece said, he turned away from her, walking casually toward the room he'd last seen Aradia in. At the doorway, he caught Ryan's statement. "I'd like to know where the exit is," he said, leaning against the door frame and smiling a little. "I've been cooped up in rooms for days on end. I think some sun and wind and nature would help me feel more human." He wasn't sure that statement applied anymore, but he was going to keep the label. 'Human' wasn't genetics anyway; it was who and what you were - the kind of person you choose to be.

"Is that allowed... was it Colonel? Or Captain? Or... something else?" His grin became sheepish. "I'm not up on the lingo."

[Ryan Hawke]

"Major, Mr. Izumi. Though in informal situations like this, Ryan, or Hawke will do. Back home, around the rest of the officers Major is preferred." He smiled. "I can't seem to be too friendly with my team."

He looked to Yesult and the others. "Anyone else feel like showing Mr. Izumi around Beta Site? I seldom get to go somewhere I can use my talents, and If you all want a little free reign to do so, now's the time, while we're here."

[Aradia McConnell]

Aradia nodded, and stepped closer to Wakiki. She could play by the rules when she had to, and she supposed she'd voiced enough open dissent for the day. So for now she played nice, and kept her hands to herself though she itched to grab her boyfriend's hand and cling to it tightly.

They had some talking to do too, she knew, and Beta site (at least off of the compound) was probably the most secure place to do so. Not that she held too much faith in that, but with his new abilities...

"I can show Wakiki around. Anyone else going too? Or you guys got other stuff you wanna do on Beta while we're here?"

Secretly she hoped everyone would refuse.. but she tried not to be too obvious about it.

[Yseult Sierra]

Yseult's lips twitched with the effort of suppressing her smile. Aradia was hardly a master of subtlety. The blond doctor composed herself and gave Aradia a small nod. "That is being kind of you, Aradie. I am having tests to run myself and there is an experiment I wish to finish back at Cheyenne as well, before heading home to my husband and children. If that is being alright with you, Ryan, you will be excusing me?"

She gave Aradia and Wakiki a small grin, then slipped on her dark pair of Prada sunglasses, concealing her odd eyes. "Wakiki, it is nice to be seeing you again and feel free to call me at any time if you are having questions. And Aradie, we will be having another lesson this week, yes?"

[Charlie Cole]

Charlie grinned, also managing to note the imperfectly concealed effort Aradia was making to get privacy. "Well, I tend to agree with that assessment about the benefits of sun, wind and nature, Wakiki," his statement making Yseult description of his practically-computerized voice clearly understated to Wakiki.

"So I would plan to head out there as well, though my choice of activities and company is entirely flexible." It was a amusingly chosen lack of subtlety to match Aradia, offering her the option of privacy should she wish it.

[Ryan Hawke]

Ryan nodded to Yesult. "Nothing to out of the ordinary I would hope Doctor..." He nodded. "No problem Doctor, take care of what you need to, if there are any issues let me know."

He looked to Charlie and the others, noting Aradia's attitude. "Well I had no plans for any formal excercises, so you're all free to do as you like. We'll all head back together later. Mr. Izumi, I'll need to speak with you at some point."

[Aradia McConnell]

Aradia nodded at Yseult, her voice softening as she did her best not to let her annoyance bleed over onto the friendly scientist.

"Yeah, sure Yse. Catch me tomorrow or so, whenever you get the time."

She glanced back towards the rest of the crew, studying them all for a moment - especially Ryan. For a minute it looked as if she might have something else to say, but she bit her lip instead and shrugged, letting the moment pass. She didn't know if she'd made herself an enemy today or not by saying what she did, or acting the way she had. Hell, maybe more - Carter's opinion of her might have cooled a few degrees too. But she'd already put her foot in her mouth enough for one day with her new C/O, and continuing to push it would probably only get her in worse trouble than she probably already was. Best to let it pass, for now.

She glanced back at Wakiki, then jerked her head slightly towards the door they'd entered through.

"C'mon, I'll show you beta site if you want. Working for the man might suck, but at least it means we get our own planet. You ready, ba- Waki?"

[z-Wakiki Izumi]

"We'll talk, Major," Wakiki said easily. His dark eyes, so like Olivia's studied him for a moment before he blinked and glanced at his girlfriend. Nodding at her statement, he turned back to Ryan. "I'll come by your office... well, I don't know when would be a good time, but later." He gave him a charming smile that promised he'd keep his word.

That situation settled, Wakiki turned his attention to Aradia. "I'd love to see beta site," he told her, "and whatever else you think I need to see." Only the slight quirk of his lips said that he'd meant the scandalous undertones that could be found in his words. "Lead the way, ma'am."

Together, they left the base and headed for the outside. Before, Wakiki had been hustled into the building - and into a defacto cell - and hadn't had a chance to really look around. It was so much like Earth, if you didn't focus on on anything specific. When you looked at any one thing, you quickly realized that this wasn't Kansas anymore.

"So..." Wakiki said once he was sure they were alone. "You ok, babe?"

[Aradia McConnell]

She was quiet for a minute, which was unusual for Aradia. He'd expected another tirade, or perhaps just resignation, considering her initial rush of anger seemed to have passed. What he wasn't expecting was the long, quiet pause, nor the vulnerable tone to her voice when she finally broke the silence.

"No.. not really. You fell off the face of the planet without saying anything to me, which is totally not you. You weren't returning my phone calls. I knew something was wrong. And then to find out that you've had your choices taken away from you - because of me, and my big fat fucking mouth - no, babe. And if I ever become someone who's okay with that kinda shit.. just shoot me, okay?"

Out of the corner of his vision, he saw her blink fiercely several times, though an observant eye could still catch the faint glimmer of tears that the tough-as-nails acrobat refused to let herself shed. Her thoughts, blessedly, were like a mirror of her words, without any of the hidden self-recrimination most people didn't vocalize. If Aradia was displeased with herself, she at least had the guts to say it out loud instead of beating herself up internally, without anyone else being the wiser. And usually in fairly colorful language, too.

[z-Wakiki Izumi]

"That's not what I meant," Wakiki said softly, his voice falling somewhere between mild exasperation and chiding. "You make it kind of hard to show my boyfriend-concern, as a good boyfriend should."

He reached out and caught her chin, turning her face to his. "Aradia... they boxed us into a corner, and it wasn't fair or nice," he said. "And yeah, they couldn't have done it if you hadn't told me. But they're still the shits here, my hotness." *And I swear, love, they're going to pay for it. And not for what they've done to us, but for what they've done to everyone on this.... er, our planet. They're fuckin' liars, they destroy people to keep their secrets; they make some information more important than the people they supposedly protect. And they're gonna pay.*

The razor-hot anger that surged around those words wasn't so much heard as felt; aside from a tightening of his eyes and a slight scowl, Wakiki's face didn't reflect the raw outrage in his thoughts. "But it turned out okay, and we'll make the best of it from here on out." *I'm gonna make them fuckin' sorry that they ever did this to us, Aradia. I promise you.* He grinned suddenly; it was a little amused, but she could see the anger sparking his his eyes. *You in?* "What do you say? Put this behind us and focus on the future?"

[Aradia McConnell]

She gazed at him, some of the sadness seeming to melt away from her features, a hint of determination settling in her gaze instead. To anyone watching, it would look like the calm, levelheaded words Wakiki was speaking were calming her down, forcing her to see reason and learn to live with it. Wakiki knew that was only part of it - that his thoughts had sparked as much of Aradia's determined side as his words had calmed her down a bit.

"Yeah. Let's do that." *Definitely*. "Thank you. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

She wrapped her arms around him then, and he pulled her close, not bothering to chastise her for the apologies, knowing that she had needed to make them and yet sensing that it would be the last time she felt that need. They were focused now on a common enemy, on the sons of bitches who'd screwed up all their lives, and Aradia wasn't the type to keep moaning about her own failures.. especially when other people's were so much worse, and intentional at that.

Eventually, he felt the tenseness begin to ease from her muscles as the anger and pain faded into acceptance. Now that the white-hot rage that had flooded her mind was gone, and the overwhelming guilt and frustration had been dampened somewhat by Wakiki's promises of revenge, he could feel the transfer of her focus. She laid a hand gently on his chest, reassuring herself of his presence, and after a moment she inhaled deeply, taking in the faint traces of lingering cologne and the underlying distinctive scent that was Wakiki. It was enough to cause a subtle shift between them, as relief and adrenaline touched them both, and the atmosphere became faintly charged. She kept her cheek pressed to his shirt so that he didn't see the heat she knew had probably crept into her gaze, but there was nothing she could do about the slight fluttering that had settled low in her stomach, or the slight re-tensing of her body against his.

[z-Wakiki Izumi]

It was only now that Wakiki relaxed. Aradia was alright; he was alright; things were going to be alright someday. For all his anger, he'd been afraid, too - afraid that this would change everything. Though he'd known things would change, he'd been really worried that they would change too much. He knew that Aradia might have never stopped beating herself up over this, and that guilt would have come between them in time. Everytime she looked at him, she would have seen what she'd done to him, not him. Her letting go of that relieved him more than he could say.

Of course, all those considerations faded when his girlfriend cozied up to him and starting thinking about certain topics. Wakiki's self control of his power was not at all controlled yet, so he couldn't give her the privacy to think such undeniably sexy thoughts. He put his arms around her, holding her as close as he could. "I... Aradia..." He sighed, not sure what to say. His brain wasn't have much luck wading through the rising hormones, either. "I just realized... we're going to be working together. I hope... this might get awkward, ya know?"

[Aradia McConnell]

She made the mistake of looking up at him then, and not only could he read the thoughts going through her mind -

..just hold me, I don't want to think about that now right now. I'm so afraid, he's going to be terrified of the way I look or the things I can do when I change, or weirded out by the fact that I can look like anyone, what if he starts to lose track of who I am? What if he reads my mind enough to decide I'm not the person he thought I was? ..but we're not there yet, I'm so sick of worrying about what-if's and of what might happen, I just want him to kiss me.. I can't think about anything else then, other than how badly I want him, or how good it makes me feel, or how much I love being with him.. and I need that, I'm so sick of being afraid.. I'm not afraid of anything when he kisses me, please Wakiki...

-but he could see the mixture of nervousness and desire in her gaze as her eyes locked with his and her tongue flicked unconsciously over her lower lip. He could tell that she was trying to suppress the thoughts running through her mind, but wasn't able to.. after all, as he saw with a brief insight as her mind skipped lightly over her knowledge regarding telepaths, Kyria could control it, and so she'd never had to, though she'd also never known when or if the strange young telepath was psychically spying on her either.

"Yeah.. probably..."

[z-Wakiki Izumi]

"Eh, fuck it, we'll figure it out," Wakiki sighed, running his hands up and down her back. He felt shitty for peeking into her thoughts, but he was like a sponge set on a puddle of water; it just soaked into him. He was not looking forward to knowing so much about people.

The young telepath looked over his shoulder; moving his hands to Aradia's arms, he began walking backward. His grip on her pulled her gently along with him. "What-?"

"There," he said, leaning against a convenient rock. Smiling, Wakiki resumed his hug, wrapping his arms around her. He wasn't sure if he should kiss her; that was what she wanted, but he wasn't sure if it was fair to be able to provide the exact response she wanted. Damnit. They had bigger obstacles to their relationship than he'd first considered. His first step was to get his mind-sucking thing under control, so that they could have a more equitable relationship.

But there was something else he wanted to do, first. "Aradia," he said softly, "before I was put in the machine, I wrote letters to everyone important. There is one for you. I'd like you to have it. You can read it now, if you want, or wait." He slipped his hand into his jacket and pulled out an envelope with her name written on it.

"This was supposed to be if something happened.. isn't it?"

Wakiki hesitated, then nodded. "Insurance kinda thing."

"Well, nothing happened, and there's no way I'm gonna wait to open something for as long as you're going to be around." She gave him an arch look that took away any desire he had to argue with her about life-spans. She broke the seal, stopped only when Wakiki turned her around and pulled her back to lean against him. He pressed his face to her neck as she opened the paper and read, his breathing a rhythmic pattern on her shoulder.

Quote:

Aradia,

I'm about to embark on a fairly dangerous trip into an alien machine. I did it so that they wouldn't come after you. I know you're probably feeling a lot of guilt right now, but that's not the way I want you to feel. All I want you to feel is happy for the time we got; it was the best time I've had with anyone.

I've been thinking about what to say to you. I think I'm just going to say it plain, like you'd like me to do. I haven't had a relationship I'd call 'real' until I met you. There were girls, but none of them brought out what you did in me. I've never felt like this before for another girl. I love you, Aradia. I should have said it before, but I thought I had more time.

Now for the final requests. They're easy. Remember me and smile when you do. I also want you to watch Mom and Dad and Livy for me. Especially Livy, because God knows she doesn't take care of herself. Make sure someone tells my mother; don't let Dad or Livy or Delayah do it. Don't worry about Mother; she's a real dragon-lady and tough. She'll be fine.

And if the worse does happen, and someone handed you this with the words 'officially regret to inform you' dripping off their lips, know that I'll be waiting for you, be that the Beyond or Heaven or just the next life. You'll probably be with someone else, but I'll still be yours. I could never be anyone else's.

Wakiki

[Aradia McConnell]

For several minutes - much longer than Wakiki would have expected it to take for her to read the letter - everything was blessedly silent, at least in his mind. What he had no way of knowing was that it was possible for someone to be so emotionally overwhelmed that they just didn't think anything.. and that was where Aradia was right now. She stayed in his arms, silent except for the soft sound of her own breath, willing herself not try cry. Finally, she trusted herself to speak again, and the words were out almost as soon as she thought them, bringing him at least a few moments of relief from the guilt of knowing her unspoken thoughts.

"I wouldn't bet on that. Me being with someone else, I mean. See.. I don't know much about love. I've never really.. had that. I mean, I care about people, you know? About Dad, and Markie. I don't know about Mom. Someone told me once you can't hate someone unless you love them, but that's a bunch of bullshit, because I sure hated Hatchins, and I sure the fuck didn't love him. But I guess I care about her, cause I'd be sorry if something happened to her, and I wish she'd get her shit together.. and if I didn't care, I guess it wouldn't matter to me. But you.. it's different. I trust you, Waki.. and I hardly ever trust anybody. I trust Markie, and Livy.. and you. When I thought something had happened to you I was afraid, Waki.. and when I found out what they did I just wanted to scream at someone and hit them and hurt them, hurt them until they felt as awful as I did right at that moment. I guess that's why I got so pissed at Carter. I've never been that angry about anything, not ever. I've never cared that much about anyone before."

She paused for a second, then shrugged slightly against him, and he could hear the faint smile in her voice, weak though it was.

"Well.. maybe your sister.. she's pretty close. I was pretty pissed about Hatchins. But it was different, it was like.."

Damnit, I don't even know how to describe it. C'mon, girl.. figure it out. This is important.

"..it was like I'd missed the trapeze, and I was falling, and I knew there was no net to catch me."

[z-Wakiki Izumi]

Wakiki lifted his head and smiled, feeling his heart surge. He'd known that she cared for him in return, known as only a new telepath who couldn't control his powers knew, but hearing it was infinitely better. She was admitting it. "I feel like that a lot," he confessed, pausing to kiss the curve of her neck.

For a moment, he was silent, enjoying her leaning against him. He was glad she hadn't been weirded out by the letter or embarrassed. Now that he was through the mess; now that he had time to breathe, he started to relax. He wasn’t a deformed monster or dead; his girl was in his arms and had confessed that she cared about him. The l-word could wait. He’d had enough things go his way for one day; he could wait for the final declaration.

“So how are we going to tell Livy?” he asked softly. “I don’t want the… uh, officer-types breaking it to her; I don’t think they’d do it right.” *And I don’t know how she’s going to feel about having a brother who can read her mind.* Wakiki’s lips quirked in amusement at the thought; in a way, the ‘big brother’ in him looked forward to teasing her about it. But with Vinny dead, she was probably going to be emotionally fragile. He really wasn’t looking forward to this meeting.

[Aradia McConnell]

Aradia gave it a moment of quiet thought before answering, then she took a deep breath.

"I'll tell her. I'll go talk to Carter. I'm sure she's probably pissed at me.. but I doubt she's looking forward to giving Livy the news, either. And I wouldn't mind meeting this Jonas dude. Anyone that was willing to take Livy in during all this, someone willing to give her a place to go away.. well, I guess I just wanna say thanks."

"I wanna go with you. I should be there."

Aradia considered that for a moment too.. then nodded slightly.

"Alright. I'll go talk to Carter. Better to face the music sooner than later, right? I guess I owe her a bit of an apology anyway."

______________________

Several hours later, Aradia stood outside the door to Carter's office. Wakiki had stayed back at the beta site, but she hadn't planned for an extended stay - none of the specialists had - and so she'd volunteered to be the one to go back, drop by Waki's apartment, lock it back up for him if the goons who'd grabbed him hadn't bothered, and pick up some clothes and other stuff to amuse him until he was released from official inspection, which would probably take a couple days. Thorough inspects were just that.. thorough.

So she'd done just that.. gone to his apartment, where she'd done her best to straighten up a bit so he wouldn't have to clean up after his own kidnapping. She'd packed some civilian clothes, so he wouldn't be stuck wearing BDU's just yet, and some practical stuff like his toothbrush, toothpaste, and deodorant. Then she grabbed his laptop and a book she was pretty sure he'd been reading. On the way back to base she'd picked up a couple of magazines, mostly stuff related to rap and hip-hop, along with a couple of bottles of soda.

Finally, she couldn't put it off any longer. She'd packed it all up in a canvas bag for him - she planned on heading back to beta after this discussion - and gone straight to Carter's office. She stepped in and the secretary glanced up at her with a distracted expression.

"Yes, Specialist McConnell?"

"Um.. is Ca-the Colonel here? Could I maybe speak with her a moment?"

Click to reveal..

Corrected Carter's title per Carver - thanks Carver!!

[Mr Fox]

Carter's aide nodded, "One second, let me see if she can see you."

She spoke into an intercom and Aradia found herself in Carter's office in short order.

"What can I do for you?" Carter seemed honestly curious since there weren't any big crisis going on.

[Aradia McConnell]

Aradia stepped into Carter's office looking pretty reserved, which only added to Carter's curiosity. She moistened her lips slightly out of nervousness before she spoke.. she wasn't sure if the Colonel's lack of visible annoyance at her was a good sign or a bad one. Either she was really forgiving, or she hid her aggravation well.

"Colonel Carter, thanks for seeing me. I had a couple things.. first, I guess, I want to.. apologize. I mean, I won't say I agree totally with how stuff went down, but.. Wakiki told me you tried to stop it. You're not really the person I should be angry at.. you were just there. I'm sorry, I.. shouldn't have tried to hit you. And I shouldn't have said.. everything I said."

[Mr Fox]

Carter gave one of her half smiles, "I understand. I hope you know you can come to me with any issues you have. I am the one who has to enforce orders from above, but don't forget that I'm also the one who stands up for your rights to the people making those orders. General Landry is in Antarctica right now because he stood up for you guys and wouldn't back down. I respect the General very much and I'd be proud to serve under his command again." Meaning that Carter would put her career in jeopardy for her people if it came down to it.

"What was the other thing you needed to see me about?"

[Aradia McConnell]

"Thanks. I'm on my way back to the beta site, I got some stuff to hold Waki over until he's cleared to come back. Hopefully it'll only be a couple of days or something. But in the meantime, we were talking and..."

She sat down, letting the bag drop onto the ground, and leaning slightly towards Carter. It was decidedly unprofessional, but overlooking that, it was markedly un-hostile.. which was a bit of a pleasant switch for Aradia. She was typically very anti-authority, and therefor acted aloof or - at best - cooly professional.

"...and we were hoping maybe, when the time came for Livy to come back from her leave, that we could be the ones to go meet her. We.. want to be the ones to tell her. About what happened. We don't think she'll take it too well from someone else, especially not after everything she's been through. And.. well, I'd like to meet this guy she went to stay with.. Jonas? Livy's my best friend - she's one of the few people in the world I give a shit about, and he gave her what none of us could have.. a place away from all this. Away from all the reminders and the memories, where she could still be with friends and try to deal with it and move on. So I just want to thank him."

It was the first time Carter had ever gotten a glimpse of the real Aradia, the way she was when she wasn't being sullen and sulky, or raging against the establishment. It was also the first time she'd seen Aradia act at all interested in anything remotely concerning off-world affairs or other species. Most of the time the young acrobat treated it as a job she had to do, and avoided delving into the rest of it too greatly. Though she'd heard from Major Hawke that she'd recently started studying the G'oauld language, per his suggestion.

[Mr Fox]

"I think that would be a great idea." Carter smiled, "To be honest, I wasn't looking forward to that talk, she's been through so much, I hate to add to her burden. I think it would be better coming through you. I know if it was my brother..."