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Heard any good jokes lately?


Sakurako Hino
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  • 2 weeks later...

Here's a joke another friend of mine sent to me way back...

Warning, this joke is slightly suggestive... But in a humorous way...

Enjoy!

The Life of an EGG

If your think life is bad....How would you like to be an egg???

* You only get laid once.

* You only get eaten once.

* It takes four minutes to get hard.

* Only two minutes to get soft.

* You share your box with eleven other guys.

* But worst of all..................

the only chick that ever sat on your

face was your mother. *lol*

So cheer up....Your life isn't that bad!!

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Here's another jem from my archives...

Sometimes you will cry and no one will see your tears...

Sometimes you will laugh and no one will see you smile...

Sometimes you will fear and no one will see you shudder...

Sometimes you will lie and no one will catch you ...

Sometimes you will fall and no one sees you struggle...

Sometimes you will be late and no one seems to notice...

But fart just one time......

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Okay, last little post... This time...

...Top Ten sexually explicit lines from Star Wars....

10. Get in there you big furry oaf. I don't care WHAT you smell!!

9. Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?

8. Put that thing away before you get us all killed.

7. You've got something jammed in here real good.

6. Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?

5. Sorry about the mess...

4. Look at the size of that thing!!

3. Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!!!

2. She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid.

1. You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought.

Top Ten sexually explicit lines from the Empire Strikes Back...

10. I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me.

9. Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?

8. There's an awful lot of moisture in here.

7. Control, Control! You must learn Control.

6. But now we must eat. Come, good food, come....

5. That's okay, I'd like to keep it on manual control for awhile.

4. Hurry up golden-rod...

3. I must've hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like that, huh kid?

2. Possible he came in through the south entrence.

1. And I thought they smelled bad...on the outside...

Top Ten sexually explicit lines from Return of the Jedi...

10. There is good in him. I have felt it.

9. Hey, Luke, thanks for coming after me, now I owe you one.

8. You're a jittery little thing, aren't you?

7. In time you will call me master.

6. A little higher, jut a little higher...

5. I never knew I had it in me.

4. Grab it, almost...you almost got it. Gently now, all right, easy, easy...

3. Hey, point that thing someplace else!!

2. What could possibly have come over Master Luke?

1. Back door, huh? good idea...

Please send death threats to gherity@tcfreenet.org

^.^

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Children's Books You'll Never See –

"You Were an Accident"

"Strangers Have the Best Candy"

"The Little Sissy Who Snitched"

"Some Kittens Can Fly!"

"Getting More Chocolate on Your Face"

"Where Would You Like to Be Buried?"

"Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her"

"All Dogs Go to Hell"

"The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking"

"When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It"

"Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia"

"Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?"

"Bi-Curious George"

"Daddy Drinks Because You Cry"

"Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver"

"You Are Different and That's Bad"

"What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"

"Pop Goes The Hamster, And Other Great Microwave Past Times"

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This is an actual question on a University of Washington physics mid-term exam: IS HELL EXOTHERMIC (gives off heat) OR ENDOTHERMIC (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with proof.

Most of the students wrote proof of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and

heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

"First we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving.

I think that we can safely assume that once a soul goes to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of chance in the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities: (1) If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. (2) Of course, if Hell is expanding at a faster rate than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my freshman year, "That it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into accound the fact that I still have not succeeded in that area, then (2) cannot be true, and so Hell is exothermic."

The student got the only A.

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  • 3 weeks later...
  • 2 months later...

Hmm physics jokes ...

Why does Mrs Heisenberg never get laid?

Cos when Werner's got the position he can't find the momentum and when he's got the momentum he can't find the position.

If you get that one you probably should go out more.

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Thanks, it's good to be back. Between studying for and doing finals, helping my sister and brother-in-law move, searching for a new job, and helping a friend and his improv theater group, I have not had much free time to myself. And while I'll try to start posting more, for the forseeable future I'm still going to be a bit spotty.

Now since the last few jokes where highbrow and intellegent jokes, how 'bout a change to a piece of lowbrow?:

Two friends are talking and the first one says that he had a Freudian slip at the airport.

The second friend asked what is a Freudian slip.

First friend says, "I was being waited on by a beautiful ticket agent and when I told her what I wanted, instead of saying, I want two tickets to Pittsburg, I said 'I want two pickets to Tittsburg'."

"Oh, so that's what you call it!" says the second friend, "I had a Freudian slip just this morning. I was having breakfast with my wife and I meant to say, 'Please pass the Toast' but instead I said,

You ruined my life you goddamned bitch."

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I thought it was bad enough knowing ONE physics joke. Still given my usual sense of humour ...

When a man uses too much pornography it starts to effects his whole attitude towards sluts.

I went out with a lady in waiting once, which is a posh way of saying pre-op transexual.

I asked my girlfriend the other night if we could try anal sex, she said, 'OK, I've got a strap-on and a tube of KY, we'll see how it goes'.

... it'd probably be an improvement.

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In SCotland in a small town a bunch of people were reporting seeing ghosts.So the good priest gathered people and was going to deal with this evil.

he started off by doing so preaching from the good book,and when he had everyone calm he asked.has anyone seen a ghost.And around half the people saw one.

Well that was just many to talk to, so he thought more detail was needed.so he asked, how many have heard and seen a ghost,and still their were around 20 people.still to many people.This was an old man after all,and he did not want o have to spend a long time talking to people about such unpleasant things.

So he asked how many had touched one,and still about 12 people.well, he was going to have to get into more details.So he asked how many had intercourse with one.

Ant at last one hand held up.So the father went the man, who was acting as if was just another everyday thing."So my son, you have see, heard,touch and even had intercourse with a ghost?

the man blinked,"Ghost i though you said..(pm me for the answer if you cant guess it)

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Quote:
Originally posted by Sakurako 'Endeavor' Hino:
Just... Unexpected.
Nobody expects the Spani...

Phew, almost got started on the Monty Python quotes there, before long it would have gone on to SouthPark and Beavis an' Butthead.

Who doesn't laugh at dirty jokes unless they need a humour transplant? All I can say is, even my physics joke involved someone getting laid, but at least I didn't resort to goats. smile
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