Aberrant: Wild Card - Abner Michael Ubchek [Inactive]

[Zeke Ryder]

Name: Abner Michael Ubchek

Concept: Geek made (mostly) good

Major: Computer sciences

Minor: Business

DOB: June 12, 1991

Height: 4' 8"

Weight: 88 lbs.

Hair: Brown, curly.

Eyes: Hazel

Background: Abner Ubchek was one of those kids who benefited from the efforts of computer nerds like Steve Jobs, Bill Gates, etc. By the time he was ready for school, his overclocked brain and subpar physique did not immediately target him from ridicule, especially since he tended to feel bad for the kids who didn't "get it," and therefore ended up volunteering to help the kids who would otherwise be threatening to beat him up and harass him. By the time that became a concern, his social maneuvering and willingness to pull hijinx in school had endeared him to enough people that he was (mostly) off-limits.

The fact that he always was who he was, and basically made no apologies or got defensive, went a long way in this. He was, simply put, a character. The fact that he had good eyesight, and never wore glasses even as a joke, also helped. His main problems were the gym teachers, who refused to believe that he had an overclocked metabolism and risked passing out if he didn't eat properly throughout the day. They thought he was just a computer junkie who couldn't hack a standard regiment of exercise. (They were right, but he did have a problem with an overclocked metabolism.)

Nevertheless, Abner came to campus feeling as though a weight had been lifted from him. Here, he can finally focus on the important stuff, and not all that shit the teachers tried to cram down his throat in the name of "balancing him out." Finally, he can openly interact with the Big Nerds and openly plot to conquer the world. (He'll be in charge of making a big enough program to keep it all running while he and his fellow UberGeeks party.)

He is a committed technophile, and desperately wants to be on the cutting edge of inventing something that will revolutionize society. He is especially enamored of the Internet, and would, if he had his way, live there. If he has a personal flaw, it's his love of abrasive and "shocking" humor, which contrasts jarringly with his normally sympathetic good-nature. He says some of the most horrible things, and yet would be horrified to realize that anyone might think he meant them.

Gear: True nerd attire, backpack, iPhone, laptop with wireless, notebook with RPG characters and sketches. 64 oz. cup of soda he carries with him to get those "sweet deals" from the local Quickie-Marts.

[Abner Ubchek]

The real Abner Michael Ubchek is here! This man is an impostor! Get him!

[Abner Ubchek]

MINUTE 00:01:00

Episode 131: Anthony Michael Ubchek

TRANSCRIPT:

Intro: "The Future's So Bright (I Gotta Wear Shades)"

MW: Good whenever-you're-listening-to-this, I'm Matt Weisenthal, your host for the Minute 1 podcast, where we get someone's 15 minutes of fame started right, right off the bat. As you know, we pick out the people in the UW-Tacoma Campus who we think are going to rock the business community when they graduate from here, and we want to start brown-nosing them right now, so they remain generous to us throughout their career.(laughs)

Today, or at least for this interview, we're actually picking someone who doesn't major in business (SFX: scream queen), but instead majors in Comp-Sci and minors in business. How does he do it and still maintain something resembling a social life? Here to answer that question is a new student, a freshman no less, who came highly recommended to this show by the dean of computer sciences himself, here's a guy named Abner...Ubchek? I got that right?

AU: Barely, but I'll let you live for now. (laughs)

MW: Thanks. Uh, so how did you come to the attention of Dean Thompson?

AU: Oral sex.

(SFX: House exploding)

MW: (stage whisper) You're not supposed to tell anyone about that!

AU: I'll save it for the tell-all book. (laughs) Seriously, I'm just doing what I always wanted to do: work with technology. I believe I can get in the scene and invent a better, more customer-friendly way to compute and connect, and I know my stuff. I need the business so that I can interface with suits-and-ties and translate what I'm doing into money. And Dean Thompson respects that I hit this campus with a plan, and for that I respect Dean Thompson. Mad Platonic love, Dean Thompson! Peace!

MW: (laughs) Okay, wow. So, give us some insight into your mind. What makes Abner Ubchek tick?

AU: If this program gets shut down because of what I reveal, I'm not responsible! Never ask a geek what's on his mind; a trip through the Internet will cure you of that!

Cue: Avenue Q Soundtrack, "The Internet Is For Porn"

AU: YES! I use that song for the boot-up in my laptop! (laughs) Okay, seriously, because I gotta get out of here and get food, I'm an overclocked brain in a skinny little body, and the one thing that keeps my attention is the next new shiny thing. I love technology. I love it in ways that could get me arrested, or at least slapped with a restraining order. I am not an outdoorsman, I love the Great Indoors, I am at two or three with nature, and I know I'm not the only one. So I want to make the Great Indoors even better. Especially since you business bastards are going to screw up the environment so bad within twenty years that no one can go outdoors anyway. (laughs)

MW: We can neither confirm or deny that, and you'll be hearing from our attorneys.

AU: Heh, yeah. But seriously, there's big chunks of the country where it's too expensive to get the Internet on a decent DSL line, and the Internet can be a decent source of information for people who cannot travel, or whose school systems are letting them down. It's ubiquitous; not having the Internet is like not having a car. And I think there has to be better and cheaper, and yes, faster, ways of getting the Internet functional. There's so many little revolutions happening in communications technology, and I'm looking to be one of the guys who ties it altogether in a big package.

MW: Ah, so your focus is in the content-distribution side of the computer-slash-communications industry.

AU: My focus is whatever will keep my wallet fat, dumb, and happy. I think I've got a good business plan as far as how to make that happen without dipping into Amway. Not that I have any objections about hosting their sites, mind you. (laughs)The difference between being an Internet provider and a crib-whore, kids: less chance of STI's.

MW: You're just an irreverent free-spirit, aren't you?

AU: Dude, I told you, this is some good shit! If you'd have asked before, I coulda hooked you up!

(SFX: water gurgling through a pipe)

AU: Seriously, if you're going to have someone who does IT, you should pick someone like me. I'm a devious little monkey, so I already know all the tricks. Keep me paid, and I'll make sure everything runs smoothly. Hire another suit to do IT, and you'll have security leaks like a Health Center condom. We're talking lawn sprinkler leaks. So don't try to cut costs in the IT department if you want a company to get off the ground, let alone succeed.

Which reminds me: the main reason I want to do both Comp-Sci and Business is because it seems that people are either one or the other. If I can be the one that crosses the gap and speak in both binary and money, I'm golden. It's a license to print trophy wives and cocaine binges.

MW: And we try so hard to keep our image pure on this show. (SFX: bomb dropping)Well, if anyone has the enthusiasm to pull this off, it's probably you. Best of luck! And we hope to have you back on this show when you've taken over the world.

AU: Hey, I don't need the world, just a big enough place to store all my crap. And thank you! Now my professors are forewarned.

Outro: "Money", Pink Floyd

[Forge]

I think I wet myself I laughed so hard. Reap your Reward.