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World of Darkness: Attrition - "I Coulda Done it By Now"

Dawn OOC

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Here are the rules:

1. Find a WoDA fiction that is very long, too long in your opinion.

2. Write one post of 300 words or less showing us your one-post version of the fiction. The funnier, the less likely your posts will be picked on in turn. Or maybe more likely. Anyway, make us laugh.

3. Post it in this thread.

4. End with a glorious on-line crow congratulating your brilliance.

5. Have fun.

And here is the example:

[Revenant] 3:17 pm: Declan's invitation to the bug hunt fic... 15 posts and I still haven't seen an invite. :P

[Revenant] 3:20 pm: I coulda done it by now. *Declan pokes his head in and sees Morgan working. He quietly sets some food on a stool and said, "Hey, sorry to bug ya. We're going to kill some shit in a Shadow and we're kinda makin a party out of it... keg, barbecue, etc... stop on by Lucien's this weekend, wear something comfortable. Uhh... see ya. Oh, you look great and want you to have my Canadian rage puppies." *like bashful schoolboy Declan runs off*

[Revenant] 3:21 pm: Snipe that shit. One post, one kill.

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Shorter Forgotten But Not Gone: Novas are assholes. The Directive hates these assholes. A guy working for the Directive hates these assholes. Suddenly he is an asshole as well! Can he prove that he's not an asshole by kicking the snot out of another asshole? Hint: yes.

Shorter An Uncertain Universe: Death sucks. Nova goes nuts. Nova loses powers. Parallel universe superpeople out of fucking nowhere. Nihilism gets its ass kicked somehow. Holy shit, time travel! Holy shit, Max Mercer! Holy shit, wedding! Author needs to maybe read less Grant Morrison.

Shorter Knockout: LOL he's a girl now, that's funny right?

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Never Show Crazy Where You Live Edited Version

*Lucien drives Sarah to Wayne Manor in his Penis-Mobile* Sarah: "Wow, neat place" Lucien: "Yeah, I know. Plus I'm Batman." Sarah: "Mmm, yummy." *bites Lucien* Lucien: "Whoa that feels NI-ice? Whatdafuck?" Sarah: "Oops, sorry, I'm a vampire. Plus my family are a bunch of psycho furry hillbillies." Lucien: "No shit? You missed a spot there, btw." Sarah: *wipes* "Really sorry about that" Lucien: "Well, okay. Let's fuck." Sarah: "Hello? Vampire? No sex, just blood." Lucien: "Bummer. Can we cuddle until you change your mind?" Sarah:*sighs* "Okay, but no wearing the Batsuit in bed." Lucien: "Awwww... Well, at least tell me about these werewolves." Sarah: "Okay, but only because you taste like Goldschlager."

*backstory montage to the tune of "It's a Hard Knock Life"*

Sarah: "...and that's how I came to be here." Lucien: "Neat-o story. By the way, I'm a mage with mind powers. Like Professor Xavier, only not in a wheelchair. Or bald. Plus, I'm awesome and have a really big schlong. Sure you want to pass up on this?" Sarah: "I'm sure." Lucien: "Okay, go ahead and stay the night here in my pimpin' bed anyway. When you wake up I'll have a sack full of clothes waiting for you in the vain hopes you'll wear something sexy for me and bite me some more. Plus, you R my girlfriend now." Sarah: "Don't I get a say in that?" Lucien: "Mind powers, remember?" Sarah: *hypnotised* "Yeeesss massterr"

Moral of the story: With mind powers, money and an un-photoshopped package, Richie Rich still can't get laid properly.

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