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[Fiction] Cade!


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Cade eats buildings for breakfast and shits solid thunder.

One time this stockbroker swindled a bunch of people out of their money, and Cade came outta nowhere and kicked his ass. He kicked his ass so hard that the stockbroker went retroactively sterile and both his kids blinked out of existence. If you look at the stockbroker's sperm under a microscope there is a tiny boot-print on each one. None of them swim straight.

Cade works with socially disadvantaged kids all the time and he gives them the courage they need to not be socially disadvantaged any more. He gave one of them an emergency blood transfusion and the kid gained the power to come outta nowhere and kick some ass.

Cade keeps a domesticated bear in his house. He domesticated it by telling every bear everywhere to sit down and he took the one that did it the fastest. This burglar broke into Cade's house and they still find bits of him in the bear's stool. Cade named his pet bear "Bear." Someone once asked him why and that's where the other bits in the bear's stool come from.

Cade used to fight in the Equatorial Wars, and got away with not wearing a mask for the longest time 'cause no one could believe his features were naturally that awesome. This one elite challenged him to a duel and Cade ripped the dude's sexual equipment off and beat him to death with it. He had the improvised weapon bronzed afterwards and shows it to people at parties.

Cade stubbed his toe one time and got so pissed off he threw a country into space. I'm just kidding, Cade has never stubbed his toe.

One of Cade's lesser known abilities is the power to transform into a giant robot with a "Voo-choo-chow-cha-chak!" noise. He has the power to shake exactly two aspirin out of a bottle and can communicate with soap.

Cade was out for his morning jog one time and accidentally clothes lined a guy so hard his head flew off. Cade stuck it back on and the guy said it worked better than before.

Cade can bench-press a mountain and pee his name in the snow so hard nothing grows there again.

Cade fucking rocks.

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