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[Fiction] The Press Conference

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03 July, 2014

Mexico City, Mexico

N! Reporting, Corr. Sophie Dench


Director Hodge: ...and because of all this, it is with great pleasure that I announce the newest member of Teen Tomorrow, Stephanie Hu Zhan!

(thunderous applause)

Director Hodge: We'd be glad to take some of your questions now. Let's see...Mr. Fussel, you have a question?

Derek Fussel: Derek Fussel, sir, Nova Beat Magazine. The other members of Teen-Two-Em all have identifiable and very personalized codenames and identities. What about Ms. Hu Zhan? What sort of codename have you got in the works for her?

Director Hodge: At present, the matter is still--

Stephanie Hu Zhan: (interrupting) My codename is 'Holocaust'!

(murmuring, chatter)

Derek Fussel: Ummm...why did you choose that name, Ms. Hu Zhan?

Director Hodge: Erm, as of yet, Ms. Hu Zhan hasn't--

Stephanie Hu Zhan: (interrupting again) I thought it was appropriate, sir. My powers revolve around the total destruction of anything I even get near. I can't even control it! I just wreck everything I come close to! I'm a walking calamity! (giggles) If I even get too close to this microphone, I'll destroy it utterly.

Director Hodge: (stunned silence)

Stephanie Hu Zhan: I understand that a lot of people are going to think that my choice of codename is controversial. They may even be offended, and if they are, I am truly sorry. Clearly, I am not anti-Semitic and certainly not pro-Nazi. My unconventional codename does not refer to a very dark moment in human history, but is a reference to my very unfortunate condition. I literally cannot get near anything...(hangs head, appears to be weeping softly)...or anyone...without hurting or even killing them.(crowd swells with sympathy and support)

Stephanie Hu Zhan: (head up, cautiously smiling) Let my deeds be proof of my intentions! I will be as good and as strong as I can, and I will do all the good I can for everyone I can, for as long as I am lucky enough to be a member of Teen Tomorrow! Thank you! Thank you all for your support! I hope I meet and exceed your every expectation!

(tremendous gale of cheering, shouting)

Director Hodge: (silently mouthing) Oh...shit...

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  • 2 months later...

11 September, 2014

Bujumbura, Burundi

CNBC Reporting, Corr. Brendan Pulsifer


(corr. pulsifer stands in knee-deep water in safari gear on a bright and sunny day heavy with sporatic clouds, as african villagers mill about in the background, gathering scraps of timber and waiting in line in front of red cross relief vehicles)

CNBC:Brendan Pulsifer, reporting from Bujumbura, the capital city of Burundi, a country that borders the immense lake Tanganyika in Africa. Monsoon rains and tropical showers have hammered this already decrepit city for days, now, raising the levels of this lake to dangerous levels, flooding a portion of the city and leaving thousands evacuated from their homes. In a land where hardship and struggle is the order of the day, the tragedy of homelessness and lack of livelihood strikes a chord of utter misery for these people.

And yet, the attitude here today is one of hope.

Two days ago, the rains relented, long enough for Red Cross relief aid and a cell of world-famous relief and crisis support Teen Tomorrow arrived to aid in the restoration of the city and to buttress the receding banks of the Tanganyika.

(camera pans back and swivels to the left slightly, showing the dangerously high level of the lake and several members of tn2m scuttling around performing various tasks. holocaust and teardrop work to force the waters back and erect barriers between the lake and the city, while the bomb and lit help to create drainage ditches. atlas stands off to the side, passing out food with the red cross, clearly chagrined)

CNBC: Currently on site we can see, The Bomb and Lit here on the scene, off in the distance (camera swivels slightly) Teardrop and (brief but noticeable pause) Holocaust are working their magic on the lake waters, and (begins walking towards the red cross vehicles, specifically beelining towards atlas) here we have Atlas, captain of Teen Tomorrow Central. (stands beside atlas, who continues to work) Tell us, Atlas, how are the relief efforts coming along?

Atlas: Well, Mr. Pulsifer, my cell has managed to--(screaming in the distance, shrieking of many children, men shouting, screaming)

CNBC: What the [edited]? Sal, Sal, come here!! (runs towards the source of the disturbance, the camera following bumpily along)

My god, look at all the snakes!! (camera pans forward around pulsifer to see hundreds of long vipers spilling out of the lake and wading through the waters flooding the town. scores of people run en masse away from the banks, but many small children are left behind, with few adults to remain and attempt to claim them. pulsifer turns back to the camera, composing himself somewhat)

CNBC: Ladies and gentlemen, as you can see, literally hundreds of snakes have just come out of the lake and are inhabiting the city streets! People are fleeing away from the snakes, though we do not yet know what manner of snakes these are, or whether or not they are venomous. (camera pans up, to where teardrop is swooping down to collect stray children while holocaust attempts to wrangle the snakes, then right, to see lit and the bomb wading forward to serve as a barrier between the villagers and the snakes)

CNBC: Up, Sal, dammit, over there!! (pulsifer points to the sky above the lake, and the camera pans to see a tall blue-skinned male with dark hair and a beard dressed in animal skins and sporting a tail and wings floating forty or so feet above the water, who appears to be laughing)

CNBC: There appears to be...a nova above the lake now...he seems to be...laughing...my God, he's--OW!! OH, GOD!!! I'M BIT!! I'M BIT!! (the camera pans back to pulsifer, clutching onto the tail of a snake, which wriggles wildly in his grip. pulsifer clutches his thigh and screams madly. the camera pans up to show atlas and holocaust flying to engage the nova above the water, and then it falls into the water, giving a murky glimpse at the bodies of two vipers pass its lens)


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