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[OpNet] Centipede


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Dear Abbie,

I got a big problem. Last month I was getting chewed out by my boss. I had been having a horrible headache for the last week or so, so I wasn't in a very good mood. Right in the middle of his ranting about how lazy I was about getting things done I screamed at him "With all the crap assignments you give me, I'd need 12 arms to keep up with it all!!" Then my headache seemed to split my head open and I passed out. When I woke up, everyone in the office was just standing around me staring with their mouths gaping wide open. Then one of them snickered. I asked what was so damn funny about me passing out in pain, they told me to just look at myself. I did and wish I never had. I had grown 2 extra sets of arms from my sides, 3 arms from my back, and 3 more on my chest. I had 12 arms!! I fled from the office in a panic. Now I know you are thinking "That's bad, but things could be a lot worse.". Having all these arms wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't a class A klutz. I was always knocking stuff over and dropping things when I had 2 arms and now it's six times worse!!! One night when I was drowning my sorrows with eight fifths of JD I decided to get the extra limbs removed. I went to a black market doctor (they exist, you just have to ask around) and he did the amputations. When I came out of the anesthesia I seemed to be normal.... but they grew back!! I REGENERATE TOO!!! I don't want all these damnable clumsy hands!! What can I do??

- Centipede

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Dear Centipede,

From your pseudonym, it sounds more like you have a "bug" problem! But fear not: there's no need to call the exterminator on this one. It's a simple matter of working with your gross motor control. The human mind has a remarkable capacity for multitasking, and if you can refine your hand (or hands)-eye coordination to a point where you don't need to concentrate on it, your brain will be just fine with letting you use all twelve hands at once. My recommendation? Play catch. Work with your dominant side first--that would be the six hands on whichever side of your torso the hand you use to write is on--and get your hands used to watching out for one another and reacting in time with your eyes. Then move to the other side, until they start to come around, as well. Really, playing ball will solve all kinds of problems for you. Almost all of the major ball-oriented games take a lot of gross motor coordination: baseball, basketball, football, tennis, etc. Your ultimate goal, of course, is the sport for which you seem to have erupted: handball. Think about it: you have TWELVE hands. They don't make an opponent who can beat you, once you learn how to use them! Just keep working on the hand-eye coordination. The more you practice, the easier it'll all come, until you're twiddling six or seven thumbs while the other hands play Solitaire and get your work done all at the same time. (You may want to practice writing with a couple of your hands, just to keep your fine motor coordination in line, too. Focusing on more than one task will be hard at first, but an adrenocilin boost may make learning to do it on your own a little simpler. DO get this from a licensed pharmacist, however, and not your friendly neighborhood black market doc.) See if your boss yells at you again! With as much productivity as you could have, you'll have his job in a week. And if not, there's always a stint for you at the XWF--or have you forgotten that you regenerate?

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