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Sailor OOC

I need to state this.

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I don't know if I should call this a public apology, I think this is more of a confession.

Recently, particularly in the past months, to put it mildly I have been emotionally compromised. I as of yet cannot place my finger on the cause or the source of the problem, and to admit complete guilt, I have not been the better person here on the site.

I have caused fights, drama, stress, and undue problems even to people I have called friends on this site.

And now today I have found out I have brought something that feels more of a punishment than anything that anyone else could place on me. A character I made and have felt a great connection to I threw away... irrecoverably... out of passion. And now I find my actions were unwarranted and have cost me more than I thought I would conceive.

I have fallen lower than I have ever fallen on this site and I find my actions have been unacceptable to the community, and to those I consider some of the best players and storytellers on this site.

I feel I can no longer ask for forgiveness, I only now ask for your mercy as I say this.

I feel I have completely destroyed every ounce of trust left that anyone has of me. And I feel I deserve it.

Quite honestly I don't know how people will respond to me finally getting this out... maybe it's what I needed.

All I ask now, is the truth. Knowing what I know now, can I climb back out of this and at least reclaim some semblance of being a community member here instead of the town crazy?

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See, that is the problem. I've been having too many of "those moments".

I think this posting is more me announcing I've hit a moment of clarity. I just don't know if it is too late or not.

I've posted a public apology earlier, a few months ago, and I have gone back on that apology with my recent actions over the past couple of weeks.

So... here I am.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not doing this to self-flagellate myself. I just want to know if whatever damage I have done can be repaired.

This site has been a blessing for me, and I have taken it for granted.

Addendum - I've talked with Envoy in regards to this and is suggesting I take a few days off. I'm hesitant about this since the last time I did this I was gone for 2 years. But I do ask for some understanding if I take a momentary step back even if it is for a few days.

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Everyone on the site has been at the center of drama at one time or another I believe. The main thing is to recognize there is an issue and work through it. Don't beat yourself up over it.

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True.

I am going to step back. Just focus on what I do have spinning. The better thing I can do right now while I assess matters is be the best I can be.

I just hope people here understand I'm going through this exercise not for the attention but simply state "I get it."

I'm not sure if the intent came across. It did seem like I was asking for a stoning. Maybe at the initial posting I felt like I in fact needed some tar and feathers for my actions of late. But I feel at the moment the time for apologies has passed and the time for me to act is now. Or I will never truly be trusted here or have any respect.

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I guess I should just get to the point on the first thing I actually ask everyone.

If I should slip, and start to go in a bad direction. I really... REALLY... want someone to remind me that I'm supposed to be better than that.

I know it's a bit difficult with some of the personalities here, but I am trying to be better, and I'm going to start today. I just need help.

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I'm pretty sure there's more than one person here who tends to help in that way when asked, or not. :)

So you're good.

As far as I'm concerned, apologies are nice and I appreciate them when I feel wronged (I don't in your case, by the way), but my opinion of people comes from their actions. The best apology is living well. So to climb in my estimation, be a nice, reasonable fellow and enjoy your time here without getting carried away...and...well, that's all. Do that, and you never ought to feel you owe anyone an apology (except perhaps for isolated events :)).

Donations are also accepted. ;)

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I've just received an example of how much damage I've caused to the site, to the point of view people have of me, and to people in general here. I don't see how with what I have done that I have any reason to continue pretending that everything is alright and that everything will change with the passing of time.

Simply put, I've had too much stress in life outside of this site and I have found this place to be a convenient victim for releasing pent up frustrations. This behavior is unacceptable, by any standards.

This isn't even about me getting my way, it's a general frustration thing. I know I got a short fuse, I've seen it.

What I'm trying to say is that after this morning, I see what I've caused and I don't like it. I hate it.

When I go off it's no wonder people see me as a reactionary, juvenile, emotionally unstable wreck of a subhuman.

I don't know where to go from here.

Mala in her way said I need to seek help. I don't think I'm that far gone. But when I received the wave of vulgarity from her... a wave I won't repeat here to keep this thread worksafe, I don't know short of my own banning from this site to see any sort of mending.

Quite frankly, I don't see any way out of this now.

Let's just... let's just move on... this wasn't my proudest moment.

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Okay, a couple of things.

First, you don't wait to be 'far gone' to seek help. Really. That's like waiting for cancer to become terminal before looking into treatments. There's no shame in it, or shouldn't be. I been to therapy myself. It's actually very nice, while it lasts. :)

That's not a recommendation, by the way. I don't know you well enough for that. It's just my reaction to your comment.

Second, "people" don't see you as subhuman. You're putting words in our mouths. As for 'reactionary' and 'emotionally unstable,' the best counterargument to that is not t make periodic posts like this, but rather just to prove them wrong via your actions. And it may well be that the road at first is rocky, and lonely, because people are judging you by what has come before. Getting past that is part of the process.

And finally, I wouldn't stress too much if one person loses their cool online. Tempers flare, and the internet medium offers few social constraints. Just count it as a learning experience and move on.

That's my suggestion at least. Take it how you will.

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Hi! So, I'm one of the people who's definitely lost their cool on this site. A few times. I can think of three occasions that spring immediately to mind in which I've utterly lost my shit on someone without what I'd consider, on reflection, a basically decent reason; there are probably other occasions that either seemed tame in comparison, or were a very long time ago, so I don't remember them offhand. Anyway, I basically wanted to underscore what Max said: it's going to be difficult, because actions > words, and people are naturally going to be wary of potential future conflict based on past behavior. The only way I've been able to remedy things at all (and I'll be honest: there's one case in which things will just never be resolved due to massive personality conflicts, but we seem to have sorted out how to work around each other) is to just do it, to be as polite and diplomatic as possible even when I want to reach through the internet and throttle someone. Failing that, I walk away and cool off. Everyone has those days, so most people understand.

The best thing to do, in my regrettably experienced opinion, is to 1) stop belaboring the point. Whenever someone does this, it almost always looks like a grab for attention or sympathy. Even if that's not your intention, especially in the aftermath of a blowup, that's going to be some people's gut reaction. 2) Apologize sincerely, and then act. Chat with people casually, about unrelated things. Be active on the forums. If you need to take a few days off to clear your head, that's fine. When you come back, slip right back into "casual" mode and let the dust settle. People are hardwired to look for patterns, so if you're consistently decent, amiable, and active, eventually that's how they'll start to perceive you. The memory of the conflict will fade into a vague blip on the radar and life will go on.

That's my $0.02, hope it helps, and you get whatever's going on sorted.

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Yeah, you're right, Caitlin. Consider this thread closed then. Actions do speak louder than words. As always.

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