opnet [OpNet] Salamander's Poetry Corner!

[Juri 'Salamander' McClendon]

Well, hello everyone. My name is Salamander, and tonight, I'm going to read a poem or two. I'm actually rather embarrassed. You see, these were written for one of my college classes, and yes, I had the brass ovaries to submit them with a straight face. I fully expect to fail the assignment, but since it was just a throw-away project and I'm going to get an A in the class regardless of what I score on this, I figure they might amuse you. Please, please, I beg you, hold your applause until the very end.

Ahem. (cough cough)

Thank you. I'd first like to start off with a piece about someone I've never met. In fact, I've only met a bare handful of you out there. Still, if you listen really closely to the words, maybe, just maybe, she'll hear me.

And please, no comments until the end of the show. It would be in poor taste to interrupt the artist at work, after all.

Ahem.

This first poem is called, "ODE TO VIOLETTE." Fear not, my lovelies, there will be more.

Blah.

Blah you.

Blah transhuman blah blah you.

Blah Diet Ashnod blah blah you.

Blah Utopia? Blah not now. Blah transcendence? Blah show me how.

Blah transhuman nature? Blah tough to describe. Blah not like them? Blah no, different tribes.

Blah.

Blah you.

[Great Monster C]

Well...ow.

Diet Ashnod?

As in Ashnod-lite?

Who spit in your cereal Juri?

[Juri 'Salamander' McClendon]

Ah yes, Diet Ashnod. I'm glad you caught that reference. Doesn't she strike you that way sometimes? "Look at me, I'm the Diet Coke of Teras! All flavor plus none of the calories! With a twist of feel good lime to make the experience complete!"

Thank you, thank you. Both of you.

Let's move on the to Coke Classic of Teras, shall we?

Ode to Ashnod:

Blah.

Blah you.

Blah evolution blah blah you.

Blah enlightenment blah blah you.

Blah not human blah never really was. Blah how’d it happen? Blah just because.

Blah The Truth. Blah dangerous precedent. Blah reclusive spooky freaking quantum accident.

Blah.

Blah you.

[Juri 'Salamander' McClendon]

Yes, yes, please hold the applause. I know you're just chomping at the bit, waiting to put those two hands or tentacles together and make some noise, but there's so much more to come!

(sounds of shuffling pages)

Ah yes, one cannot have Coke with competition, can we? Oh no, we must have the Tabs, the Diet Rites, and the Royal Crowns of the soda market.

Let's taste a few of them.

Ode to Troll:

Blah.

Blah me.

Blah troll smart! Blah blah me

Blah troll strong! Blah blah me.

Blah once fight! Blah once elite! Blah troll smash! Blah squash you beneath feet!

Blah taint bad! Blah me show you! Blah troll use me power of troll-sized IQ.

Blah.

Blah me.

[Magus]

*polite golf clap*

[Regan McLachlan]

I know I am only a lowly quantum accident, oh greatest of self-erupted nova poetesses, but your work is both insightful and amusing. Please grant us more!

Seriously, good work. I was laughing at the thought of the expression on that Utopian twit's face when/if he read that. Rachel was giving me strange looks while we were testing something's cold resistance.

[Slattern]

Oh...do me! Do me!

[Walker]

Throws himself against the wall and looks nervously at Salamander.

Careful, she's got a sense of humour. It might be loaded.

[Juri 'Salamander' McClendon]

Oh fear not, Slattern, like the heckler in the crowd at the Theatre of the Vampires, I, your Armand, shall simply respond by saying, "You, wait your turn!"

And your turn shall come up, I assure you.

But for now, let's return to the fake colas again.

Ode to Alchemist:

Blah

Blah me.

Blah theory blah blah me.

Blah data blah blah me.

Blah fanboy blah mutant blah Teragen? Blah not-prudent.

Blah love the zips blah human reliance. Blah magic? Blah hell no, SCIENCE!

Blah.

Blah me.

[Wakinyan]

I hope I am never included in this.

I do think my feelings would be hurt.

[Jager]

Like you, Totem, I hope this fad passes me by.

[kestrel404]

I knew I was on the list somewhere. Actually, I expected it to be a bit more cutting.

Once you're done, Juri, I hope you do one for yourself.

[Great Monster C]

Well, a little mean spirited but amusing none-the-less.

I for one have enough self-esteem to say "bring it on".

[Sakurako Hino]

You think she'd turn her gun on herself? I think not. Everyone's fair game. But her.

[Ramone Gemeos]

Bravo. Quite enjoyable. I especially like the one for Ashnod. Like every good bit of art, you put a bit of yourself in that one.

[Tarot]

Artistic Diss in progress!

Cool!

Hey Endeavor. Speaking strictly as an artist, I got to tell you that if you don't like the way its going down then maybe you should think about getting off your skinny anime ass and creating something yourself. Otherewise wait in line like the rest.

Juri, I was fucking dying over the ode to Troll. Now that's some funny shit.

[Dreamer]

All the charm,grace and style I have come to accept from what people call art in this new world.

Then again, I am talking of the generation that brought us "asl".

[Tarot]

I guess its time to check those dosages again, huh?

[Slattern]

I would like to point out to Salamander that unless I'm properly restrained I don't appreciate having to wait. And waiting is what I'm having to do for the next installment.

Hop to it little girl or you will make mama cross.

[Juri 'Salamander' McClendon]

My, my, my. Aren't we a rambunctious crowd? More cutting, one says? Well, my dear heckler, you should know that my intent isn't to cut down, but only to reflect the truth. My odes are little mirrors, little slices of perception and the way the subject presents. Consider it a finger-painting only with words, if that makes you feel better.

And, heckler number two. I have hear-impaired friends. Please refrain from poking fun at American Sign Language.

In the meantime, it appears the Mistress will be unpleased if I don't moan out another. We'd absolutely hate for her to pull out the riding crop.

Then again, perhaps that's exactly what I desire.

You never know.

Ode to Slattern:

Blah.

Blah you.

Blah inhibited blah blah you.

Blah prudish blah blah you.

Blah missionary only. Blah all else a sin. Blah can't wait to get my hands on you! Blah can't wait to begin!

Blah call me a slut? Blah that the best you can do? Blah had more orgasms than all recorded in Xanadu. And you?

Blah

Blah you.

[Sakurako Hino]

Quote:

Originally posted by Tarot:
Artistic Diss in progress!

Cool!

Hey Endeavor. Speaking strictly as an artist, I got to tell you that if you don't like the way its going down then maybe you should think about getting off your skinny anime ass and creating something yourself. Otherewise wait in line like the rest.

Juri, I was fucking dying over the ode to Troll. Now that's some funny shit.

Tarot, I was making the point that it is easier, and less tactful, to find faults with others than it is to turn the light of criticism on yourself.

And I am not an artist. So your challenge... rings hollow.

[Ghostwriter]

I don't know. Your technology is certainly creative, and art lies in more things than pictures, music or words.

[Slattern]

Samhra, Sakurako...hush up right now the two of you. Or spankings will occur.

An artiste is at work.

Juri, my little trollop of sultry fire, I wasn't trying to insist on one of me. I apologize for rushing your muse. I simply ached for more.

But I'm touched my sweet, and not in the ordinary way. Should we ever have the opportunity to get to know each other better I will do my best to make it up to you.

[Tarot]

Quote:

Originally posted by Sakurako Endeavor Hino:
Tarot, I was making the point that it is easier, and less tactful, to find faults with others than it is to turn the light of criticism on yourself. And I am not an artist. So your challenge... rings hollow.

Oh I understood your point. I just thought it was crap.

And what is this "tact' thing you keep nattering on about?

[Sakurako Hino]

Tact?

Well, let's break it down for you in terms easy to digest.

"If you can't say nothing nice, don't say it at all" I believe is the saying. I feel it's better to be diplomatic, especially with people who can crush you into bite-sized bits, than to tilt at a windmill that will most likely tilt you.

[Tarot]

So basically when you ask me what I think about something you're really wanting to hear something nice instead of something honest or truthful.

And we're playing this ridiculous game because...?

[Sakurako Hino]

No, it's more like if you know that holding your tongue would be a better idea than calling the lightning, then it would be better to listen to your common sense.

It's not a game, Tarot.

And the thing is, if she is more willing to ridicule others, then more than likely she should also be open to detractors herself.

Glass houses and whatnot.

And yes, I know that I am just as up as everyone else here, but then again, stuff here would be things people already know about me, so it's nothing new.

Besides, if I asked you to be brutally honest about something, I would tell you to be as honest as possible. I'm not the type that'd burn down your latest collection because it suited them.

[Violette 'V' D'Aronique]

Hey, Tarot and Endeavor?

Sssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

If I can sit quietly and take my bashing, you can sit quietly and wait for yours.

[Tarot]

Hey Saki;

Because the lightning is going to show up on your doorstep, turn you into mulch and then leave a roadkill carcas on your floor when the rest of the El Gato Negro substitute squad shows up pissed off about not being able to get a date? You do realize your prim and proper life doesn't serves as a testament, don't you?

Get off your skinny butt! Stand up and be counted for something creative. Don't just sit there bitching about her not doing it the way you want and then make excuses for why you can't get off your ass.

Life's short. Even the way you live it. Give it a try sometime.

Hey V:

This is my version of quiet.

[Jager]

Quote:

Originally posted by Juri 'Salamander' McClendon:
Please, please, I beg you, hold your applause until the very end.

[Jager]

Quote:

Originally posted by Jager:

Quote:

Originally posted by Juri 'Salamander' McClendon:
Please, please, I beg you, hold your applause until the very end.

[Jager]

Quote:

Originally posted by Juri 'Salamander' McClendon:
Please, please, I beg you, hold your applause until the very end.

[Timeslip]

Hmmm...a bit formulaic, but otherwise generally amusing.

[Juri 'Salamander' McClendon]

Ah, the sounds of a devoted audience. I cannot help but be touched. That my meager efforts are getting any response at all is heartening, and I'm now in negotions to publish a book of poetry.

I plan to call it, "The Looking Glass Looks Back: A Poetic Journey into the Mind of the Quantum Accident."

Hmm. Perhaps that's too wordy. On second thought, perhaps, "Fire Chick Roasts Forumites, News at Eleven" is a better title.

And now, on with the show.

Ode to Samhra:

Blah.

Blah me.

Blah blameless blah blah me.

Blah innocent blah blah me.

Blah always wronged blah never at fault. Blah when will the pain and suffering hault?

Blah but stronger am now blah was merely growth pains. Blah Look! Prove it by again changing image and names!

Blah.

Blah me.

[Ghostwriter]

Touche.

[Magus]

There is something oddly appealing about these pieces. My compliments to the poetress of fire.

[Juri 'Salamander' McClendon]

Thank you, thank you. I'm thinking of touring to promote the release of the Quantum Accident Book of Poetry. Taking my art on the road. Because, as you may not know, the road is my home. My home, the road. And when I think about all the people I've come upon in my travels, one cannot help but think about all the people who have come upon me.

Such as this person. He definitely seems to have come upon everyone else in his travels, at least.

Ode to Jager:

Blah.

Blah me.

Blah mysterious blah blah me.

Blah secretive blah blah me.

Blah wise blah good blah never wrong blah only misunderstood

Blah oppressed blah angst blah want my help? Blah heh, no thanks.

Blah.

Blah me.

[Tarot]

Nice.

Hehehehe.

[Juri 'Salamander' McClendon]

Ah, I'm glad you came back after the break. I must say this place has the nicest, cleanest bathrooms around. I'm very impressed with them.

Now, where was I? Oh yes! One cannot have a poem about one half of a couple. Heavens no, the spouse must their turn in the spotlight as well! And no, I'm talking about you, Singularity. Well, not yet anyway.

But everyone else knows whom I'm speaking of.

Don't you...

Ode to Tarot:

Blah.

Blah you.

Blah lighten up blah blah you.

Blah coffee enema blah blah you.

Blah laid back blah despite the insanity blah you don't understand, oh BLAH, the humanity!!!

Blah you're a bad-ass? Blah soooo unimpressed. Blah not a prick myself, blah you're just way too stressed!

Blah.

Blah you.

[Great Monster C]

I do not understand the "coffee enema" part.