opnet [OpNet] Well guys, anyone need a name?

[Sakurako Hino]

I've just cut all ties and rights to the name "Endeavor" as of... well... a few seconds ago...

Why?

Well, quite frankly, I think the idea of "codenames" no longer interests me.

Perhaps I've finally grown up, perhaps I thought it was egotisitical, but in any case, I quite like just being Sakurako Hino.

You guys can still call me Saku-chan or whatever, but as far as I'm concerned, the name "Endeavor" shall never be associated with me again.

Hopefully the next Nova to lap this up will take it to a better height than I have.

And don't worry, I'm not flipping out or anything, I'm just trying to develop an identity I'm comfortable with. No flambouyance, no bells or whistles, just something I'm trying to discover for myself.

Let's just call this getting ready.

[Jager]

Better heights?

Not likely. Those would be pretty tall boots to fill.

What are you getting ready for?

[Sakurako Hino]

Nothing, really, I just feel better without the "Endeavor" name.

Makes me feel less of a comicbook character and more like a real person.

There's less expectations placed on Sakurako Hino, than Sakurako "Endeavor" Hino.

It's sort of hard to explain, but to put it in a nut shell, I'm not deserving of the name, and something happened that dishonored it. To me, relinquishing my name in this sense is tantamount to Seppuku.

I do not deserve this name, nor should I continue to claim it.

I really don't want to talk about what happened for me to do this, it's too shameful. Unless you hear what happened with an unjudgemental ear.

[Lemmy Chillmeister]

Wow, giving up your name?

Could never do that. I'm Lemmy Chillmeister, the other name is dead, just like the other guy.

[Sakurako Hino]

It's personal. I know, it's weird, but the persona of Endeavor to me is no more.

Again, I have no business living a comic book dream. Reality has smacked me upside the head too much and I hadn't noticed.

Now I have.

Perhaps a little late, but...

Oh bother, the more I think about it the more it grinds me.

[Singularity]

Quote:

I really don't want to talk about what happened for me to do this, it's too shameful. Unless you hear what happened with an unjudgemental ear.

Not to wax philosophical, but no one can be truly unjudgmental.

For what it is worth many of us would be happy to listen. And you are not the only one getting a wake up call from reality.

[Neil Preston]

I think I will keep my name for a while.

Can I still call you Captain?

[Sakurako Hino]

Quote:

Originally posted by Neil Preston:
I think I will keep my name for a while.

Can I still call you Captain?

Yes you may...

As for what happened. I'll lay out the background.

I said in another thread that I would lay my life on the line to save others.

Well, a situation fitting that oath came up. There was a situation dealing with some crazy psycho slashing people in the subways.

I was in an area where he was yet again, putting more notches in his blade, killing more people. All I could do... is stand there in fear. I could have stopped him but I... Froze.

7 people died before the police came in and killed him. All I did was stand there... like a statue...

...That's my shame.

It happened once before. Early in my life as a Nova. That time, a Nova lost his life through my inaction...

That's 2 times I failed people.

I claim to stand for something grander, yet I get scared when I should act... I'm a coward. Pure and simple.

[Singularity]

But how does that lead you to give up your name?

[Neil Preston]

No, that's called combat paralysis, Cap. It is the rational human mind's response to a non-rational situation. Cowardice would have been to run away.

Really, you should go to Boston and talk to Dad about it. He has to deal with things like that on the job and can be alot more help than I can. He's been there.

[Sakurako Hino]

Quote:

Originally posted by Franklin 'Singularity' Alden:
But how does that lead you to give up your name?

Shattered honor, irrepressible guilt, a sense of responsibility for not responding when I should have.

What business do I have walking around with a "codename" when I'm nowhere close to deserving one. I'm no Superhero, Shoujo Novajin, or anything else of that ilk.

To put it like this, I no longer deserve the name.

And Neil, perhaps I should go to Boston to see your dad. But only at a time of his choosing. I would not want to intrude, and he is a busy man.

Fortunately (or unfortunately) I have alot of people I can talk to here, elsewhere on the OpNet, and in reality.

[Alex Craft]

You didn't do anything wrong, Sakurako. As Neil said, locking up in a dangerous situation isn't unusual - it's just something people do. You are not normally a combatant, so you are not expected to respond like one.

I've never met you in person, so I have to admit to a limited viewpoint, but here's what I'm seeing:

"There's less expectations placed on Sakurako Hino, than Sakurako "Endeavor" Hino."

"I'm no Superhero, Shoujo Novajin, or anything else of that ilk."

"I claim to stand for something grander, yet I get scared when I should act... I'm a coward."

"I quite like just being Sakurako Hino."

I'm not sure if I'm phrasing this right ... but here goes. I think you invested something in the name Endeavor - turned it into an icon of what you thought you should be. Now, you have gone through an experience that forced you to see the difference between yourself and the Endeavor persona.

You seem to recognize now that Endeavor is a fabrication, which is probably a good thing. However, it seems to me that you are ... overcompensating, I guess. Endeavor was an ideal for you, and you are taking variations from the ideal to be negative traits.

For instance, Endeavor would not have been afraid and would have saved everybody's lives. (Granted, this would have been a good - I'm not saying otherwise.) You got scared and froze up, and because this behavior varies from your ideal, you are taking this as a black mark upon yourself.

However, (speaking as an objective observer) this response is inappropriate. You were not wrong to freeze up - you were just normal.

Look at another event. Just recently, you attempted to stand down Totem in his XWF fight. That was right, good, brave, and a little insane. It is, put simply, what Endeavor would have done. Did you do that because you were trying to fulfill your ideal image of yourself? Or was it just something you felt you should do?

I think that Endeavor is a goal for you - someone you want to be. You have been reminded that you are not yet at that point, but you are getting there. Maybe the name doesn't suit you now, and - ideals being what they are - it may never do so. That doesn't mean it isn't a worthy goal to work toward.

Hm ... a worthy 'endeavor' even. Weird coincidence.

[Sakurako Hino]

When I mentioned myself "getting ready", I am getting ready to move foreward in life.

And Alex, I agree completely. But, as far as I'm concerned, part of me becoming the "Endeavor Ideal" is by discarding the name.

This is a road I think I should have taken much sooner. But, birst being leashed by my mother, then losing all connection for a bit with myself, I was unable to get a path for myself.

Now, in this very calm time for me, I can.

[Singularity]

Quote:

Originally posted by Sakurako Hino:
Shattered honor, irrepressible guilt, a sense of responsibility for not responding when I should have.

What business do I have walking around with a "codename" when I'm nowhere close to deserving one. I'm no Superhero, Shoujo Novajin, or anything else of that ilk.

I took my codename twelve years ago, thinking it was something catchy and showed my ambition. Now that I finally understand what I truly am I have not forsaken my name. Many of my actions for the past decade are horrible but they do not stain my codename. Rather, my actions have stained my codename and given name equally. Then again, I have the ironic fate of living up to the name I chose in arrogance.

Do not beat yourself up over it too much. I have seen even the most confident and competent elites lock up in the heat of battle, even with baselines. And it could be worse: the blood on your hands are not from direct action you have taken. And you have not reached the number of kills that some of us have...

[kestrel404]

Miss Hino, I understand that a name can be both a stumbling block and an anchor. I did not choose the name "Alchemist", I do not believe in the mysticisms associated with that word. Instead the name was given to me by my children as a birthday present (I think it was their mother's idea, she always wanted me to start acting like a 'real nova'). They filed the legal documents and handed me the paperwork to sign on my birthday.

My name embarrassed me, because I was not the kind of man it should be attached to. It took me several months to realize the true significance of that name. I didn't see myself as an Alchemist, because everything I do is based on a real scientific principle, with understandable cause and effect. But to my children, and even to many of my co-workers, I was and am a creature of magic and mystery. I was the Alchemist, in everyone's eyes but my own. So now I try to live up to my name, and I feel I'm better for it.

Those expectations can be scary, I know. But they can also be exactly what you need at times. Take a break from your name, sure. But don't throw it away. It is a part of you. And if someone else takes it while you're not using it, you will almost certainly regret it.

[Sakurako Hino]

What's odd, Glenn, is that I just recently got 3 different job offers in the last 24 hours. From Viasoft, Kurotech(I automatically rejected them), and some up-and-coming British firm.

No one took any offers from me when I used Endeavor as part of my name. I'm taken more seriously as Sakurako Hino.

That, and some advice on wardrobe from some kind folk here, and I'm a hot commodity.

Right now, I'm too busy to feel guilty... for very long.

I'm just tired. -.-;

I've been talking with one of the local priests about my troubles (beteeen interviews), and he's been... insightful.

Sometimes spiritual strength is just as important as physical stregnth.

I still have nightmares, and I still sometimes cry at night, but I'm starting to come around a bit. Thanks to everyone. Both here and elsewhere.