opnet [OpNet] The scarest moment I have ever had.

[Sakurako Hino]

You ever had one of those moments when seemingly unrelated events merge together, and a moment of clarity takes hold? I've had one of those moments. I cannot explain completely what I going on in my head at the moment. But I think it's important that all should hear what I have to say. Before I lose this moment forever.

Just a day ago, I helped a kid get a kitten out of a tree. I know, easy shit. But, the look I got from the childs mother struck me. It wasn't a stare of hate, but more of... analysis. As if I was being measured up for a casket. You know the feeling. That look that says, "what's in it for you?" I don't know exactly how to describe it, but lately the more I hang around the baselines, the more they tend to gravitate away from me. It's scary how at one time I was the center of attention, and now, I'm a nobody almost.

Then I found that damned journal entry. You guys have seen it in the "Coming Out" thread Vixen started. Again, I had a further shaking of the proverbial pillars of heaven.

The final blow is now. What I'm having sitting on my lap is a copy, and honest to god copy of the Philosophy of Teras. I paged through it, and damned if I didn't I found out what the fuck is going on.

I am not Human. Nor was I Human. I was destined for this form. If this is true, why the hell didn't I know this sooner? Something should have told me before my eruption what the hell I was going to be. But wait, it get's worse. Looking at the way things sit now, and what I've been expereincing lately, Soon, I'd bet within 3 deacdes or so, the honeymoon between Novas and Humans is going to be over.

What the hell are we doing?!? Here we are, bickering about politics, differing opinions, and the gripe of the week, when we got a big ass monstrosity of a problem on our hands. And with the power some novas have that I have heard of, this planet may only have 50 years left to go before it's reduced to an asteroid belt.

Have any of you felt the same?

[Ashnod]

Well now. I'm almost tempted to say something about this, Sakura-chan, but I remain unconvinced that you're not going to lose interest in this new fascination like you have with the countless other bandwagons you've jumped on.

However, I'm feeling generous, so the answer to your question is:

Yes. Every single day since End Day.

[Sandy Davis]

Well, I am sorry for you.Truely i am.I do not know what to say. I do not wish to set your path for you, but I do see tha tyou are walking a fine line. You may find that in trying not be something, you are in fact the avatar of it.

I wish that you understnad, that life is a marathlon, not a sprint.So you must understnad that if you rush off down this path, it may be hard for you change back again.

I say to you, that I do not know your path, nor can I tell you waht to think, but before you firmly say what you are not, you must frist know what it is you ar enot.So I wish you the best,and hope you understand that if you fallow that path too clossely, I may have to let you go as friend,and others may have to do the same.

[Vixen]

Have I ever felt isolated, lonely, and rejected by those around me? Freakish, deformed, treasured for something I don't want to be treasured for? Upset and angry that people won't see what I see, when I look at the world?

Everyone has those days, Sakurako. The process is called "living."

I've had my share, and your share, of those days, ever since a car accident at the age of 14 changed my life. I've had my share of feeling subhuman, less than nothing, a strain on everyone around me locked into a defective, broken shell of a body.

But I made it through. I came to realize that I was as human as the next person, as deserving of a rich and happy life, as valued by the people I loved as I could ever be. I won through. And twelve years after the accident, everything changed again.

It's been hard, yes. I'm no longer a dependant and that's thrown the relationships into new light. I don't need my sister to take me to work. I have to work at developing social skills not linked to a speech synthesizer. But I won through the last time with their love and support and I'll win through this time with the same. I refused to see myself as subhuman before my eruption, so it would be ever-so-slightly wrong of me to proclaim myself superhuman now that I have all these gifts.

Today, I think I felt the same stares you did, when I was out carroling. (Yes, yes, I know, what a silly thing for a nova to do, but I loved every second of it.) People wondering what the heck I was. Their faces torn by listening to the music and staring at me. A vixen in a top hat and a black coat with a jolly red-and-green scarf tends to be a little unusual. But... I think they enjoyed having me around.

(I'm thinking of doing a duet with Tenor tomorrow. We'll see what mood strikes me.)

I think the thing is culture shock, Endeavor. You come from Japan, where - let's not mince words - they just about worship novas, to a place like L.A. where people are a little more blase' about it. I know my little trip to the Amp Room was an eye-opener. Hang in there, Sakurako - and you have my OpMail if you need to talk, from one woman to another.

[Apep]

Quote:

Originally posted by Sandy Davis- Miss-Fortune:
I may have to let you go as friend,and others may have to do the same.

Then you were never her friend to begin with.

[Sandy Davis]

Apep, it is not my fault that some of the people you call brothers and sisters want me dead, as I protected my aunt, and in doing so I killed one of you members.

So while I like and enjoy Endeavor as preson.I would not enjoy having to get into a fight with her "family" because I love my aunt.

[Centipede]

Endeavor.

The Null Manifesto has a few good points, but so does the Bible. Neither has convinced me of anything.

Human or not human is just a label that you chose for yourself. (I generaly don't give a shit about how others label me!) You are still the same person as before. If you consider following the terat way, please don't leave your brain behind, like it seems so many terats have done.

And, if you feel yourself agreeing more and more with the manifest, there is no need to spread the word about this, unless that would serve a specific use for you.

Unless I remember incorrectly, you discovered that you mother may have sympathized with the Teragen. Are you sure this isn't set up by her, a trick to steer you in a certain direction?

[ronin]

Endeavor.

Where did you receive the documents? Obviously, the bulk of what you now possess is public domain, but your somewhat awed reaction tells me you may have seen a sliver of what's going on behind the curtain, which means somebody provided these materials for you.

In your mailbox? Plain white envelope? No return address? No postmark? No address? Am I right?

And since you asked, yes. I've seen it coming for a very long time. It is what fills me with the sense of inevitability and impotence that I now live with. This isn't speculation for me, it is reality. Cold, unalterable truth.

.ronin

[Jager]

Endeavor, whatever you decide, I will always try to be your friend. The aspects I like about you have everything to do with your uniqueness of self and isn't tied to your identity as a baseline or a nova. Just try to be yourself.

I am not saying everything will be okay. I am just saying you are better off discovering yourself.

If you need me, just call.

[Sakurako Hino]

Actually, it was peiced together by my mother. Looks like various print outs and such. Perhaps she was meaning to get it published or something. I've been cleaning out and either boxing up or destroying most of her stuff. The stuff I'm destroying is things she's either half completed or had given up on or were failed designs. The things I keep are pictures, mementos, what not. Finding this "book" did catch my eye, and do not worry Ashnod, I'm not saying I'm jumping on. I'm quite happy doing what I'm doing now. There's something all you guys should know. I have an attention span with a life span shorter than a mayfly's. But, to those that are worring I'm going to be Teragen, stow them. I've locked the book up in a safe with some of her more "dangerous" designs. Although I'd like to give the book to someone who'd appreciate the gift. A late christmas present as it were.

After seeing things through a new mindset, I've realized what I have been doing somewhat. Yeah, I'm still going to be a little weird. It comes with the territory. But, at least now I know what's going on a little bit and know how to make my moves. I can tell you one thing, I'll never look at a Terat the same way. At least I now can judge on an individual basis.

Sorry if it sounded like all of a sudden I was getting to the edge of a nervous breakdown. Holiday blahs I guess.