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Men's Rules


Warren Verona

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Ladies listen up...

These are The Men's Rules!

Please note.. these are all numbered "1" on purpose, that's how we roll.

1. Men ARE not mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work!Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria 's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

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Well, allow me to retort:

Womens' Rules for Men

For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when dealing with women. Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to understand just how it works. Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes, and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the points system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

You make the bed..............................................+1

You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows.... 0

You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets...................-1

You leave the toilet seat up..................................-5

You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings.....+5

in the snow...................................................+8

but return with beer..........................................-5

and no liners................................................-25

You check out a suspicious noise at night..................... 0

You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing............ 0

You check out a suspicious noise and it is something..........+5

You pummel it with a six iron................................+10

It's her cat.................................................-40

AT THE PARTY

You stay by her side the entire party........................ 0

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a high

school drinking buddy...............................................-2

Named Tiffany................................................-4

Tiffany is a dancer.........................................-10

With breast implants........................................-18

HER BIRTHDAY

You remember her birthday.....................................0

You buy a card and flowers....................................0

You take her out to dinner....................................0

You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar.........+1

Okay, it is a sports bar.....................................-2

And it's all-you-can-eat night...............................-3

It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your

face is painted the colors of your favorite team............-10

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS

Go with a pal.................................................0

The pal is happily married...................................+1

The pal is single............................................-7

He drives a Ferrari.........................................-10

With a personalised license plate (GR8 NBED)................-15

A NIGHT OUT WITH HER

You take her to a movie......................................+2

You take her to a movie she likes............................+4

You take her to a movie you hate.............................+6

You take her to a movie you like.............................-2

It's called Death Cop 3......................................-3

Which features Cyborgs that eat humans.......................-9

You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans.......-15

YOUR PHYSIQUE

You develop a noticeable pot belly................................-15

You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it....+10

You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and

baggy Hawaiian shirts.............................................-30

You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too."

............................................................-800

THE BIG QUESTION

She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"

You hesitate in responding........................................-10

You reply, "Where?"...............................................-35

Any other response................................................-20

COMMUNICATION

When she wants to talk about a problem:

You listen, displaying a concerned expression.....................0

You listen, for over 30 minutes..................................+5

You relate to her problem and share a similar experience........+50

Your mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying,

"Well, what do you think I should do?"...........................-50

You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV..+100

She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep............-200

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