World of Darkness World of Darkness: The Academy - [Fic] Her Worst Enemy

[SalmonMax]

Once outside, the crisp cold air wrapped snugly around Renata as she stumbled away from the little houses. Tiny glass prisms of snow fell one by one from above. It never occurred to her how beautiful the scene was though. She was alone in the cold, and saw only how dark it was.

Away from the Chiderean...city? Camp? Settlement?...the snow wasn't cleared, and it got deeper. After a few minutes of high-stepping, Renata came to rest against the gnarly bole of a tree that arched menacingly over her head. In the gloom it looked like skeletal fingers raised high just before the killing blow. Renata didn't notice them though. Her breath was coming in ragged, hitching gasps that sent plumes of vapor spreading into the night in front of her. She had to lean forward...not from exhaustion, but from the physical pain of brutally repressing her natural reaction to a loss she felt echoing through her very bones. The loss of love. Of Mari. She wanted to cry in the same way that a man dying of dehydration wanted some water. She fought herself tooth and nail, trying to hold it back. But water started drooling from the corners of her eyes. Renata scrubbed it away, furious at herself for the lapse. But then another. And another.

Finally she knew she couldn't hold it anymore, and let go. The feeling of letting go was terrifying. There was a horrible sense of abdication, like how one might imagine allowing oneself to defecate into their pants might feel. Not physically, but emotionally...a sense of being lessened. Cheapened. Degraded.

And then the tears came, and with the the hoarse, wracking, miserable sobs. For the first time in her life since...well, since her first real rejection, Renata really cried. It was an avalanche, a flood, and the catharsis it brought wasn't cleansing, it was like a dam that had held Hell back had burst, showering her in the spiritual equivalent of feces and maggotty meat, and of course...fire.

goddamnit, what did I THINK was going to happen?1 was she supposed to just magically fall into my arms?! I had the perfect chance...wide open shot...and I couldn't even throw the ball. now she's back with HIM and why not? why would she choose me? she's a normal, healthy girl. and she's gorgeous...she should have a gorgeous 'mate.'

Renata got to her feet unsteadily, holding a tree trunk for balance as she went. The bark under her fingers was hard and deeply grooved, and it dug at her fingers with sharp edges giving her a physical pain that couldn't quite drown out the scourging within.

I hate them! I hate Ravi...I hate Mari...I hate all of them! I hate...I hate...

Wind raised up and howled through bare branches, picking up speed and bringing a sudden chill with it.

"Faaaatimaaaaa."

Renata stopped her pounding of the tree trunk. A shiver went down her spine that had nothing to do with the plunging thermometer mercury. In fact, she realized, it was getting tangibly cooler; the cold of winter descending into something that felt like it should only exist in the vacuum of space.

"Fatima."

It was the wind, she realized. That hollow 'voice.' It was just wind blowing through...except it wasn't right. She could still hear the wind too. The voice and the wind at the same time.

"Who's there?" she whispered. It was stupid, it was cliche...if you had to ask who was there, then it was pretty obvious that it was no one good. But the words came out of her anyway, as fearful and dread-laden as in any iteration of a numbered series of terrible slasher flicks. "Who are you?"

A puff of breeze gusted over her, and terror clenched in her gut as she realized what it was. Not a breeze. A breath. It was right behind her!

Renata didn't scream and run, or collapse and plead. She spun around and drove a fist straight forward, aiming for the spot that breath had originated. But at the exact same instant she threw her punch, something impacted her own face as well. Meanwhile her own attack met nothing but air. There was nothing but air THERE. No tall, hulking maniac. No renegade Amazon out to avenge her dead cousin. No monster. Nothing.

The howl of the wind got louder though, and the trees outside that little clearing started to sway and nod between one another. Snow and branches and leaves came up off the ground to create a thick, opaque wall that surrounded Renata and the clearing. It was like being in the eye of a big tornado that wasn't moving.

Worse than that though...worse than being trapped with some kind of fucked up invisible thing...was the feeling of it. Even when it wasn't 'speaking' in the wind, she could feel thick waves of contempt boiling from it. Disgust. Loathing. Hatred. All directed at her. It even knew her name. Her real name. What the hell WAS it?

She shook off the momentary daze from the blow and darted away from the tree she'd been leaning against. Stay mobile. Force it to come after her. Maybe she'd be able to see it move or something. She twisted around, trying to watch every direction at once."Where are you?!" she finally yelled.

"Fatima." Behind her again!

This time she ducked low and kicked out in a sweep, hoping to avoid its counterpunch. But it must have been substantially faster than her, because something struck her thigh, then lashed over to her other knee, knocking her down hard enough to roll her. Renata wasn't done yet though. Instinctively she figured if it had hit her like that, then it had to be there. She rolled up back onto her feet as fast as she'd been knocked over and charged the spot it had to be in.

An invisible fist hit her in the belly, hard even as her own appendages flailed in the air harmlessly. Renata was forced back, the air coming out of her lungs in a forced 'wuff!' Doggedly she backed up more, hoping it would come after her...a wish apparently granted when Renata suddenly jumped forward and threw what she hoped would be a surprise punch. But the surprise was all hers when she jumped right into IT'S blow, knocking her backwards with enough force that she slammed into a tree trunk behind her. The back of Renata's head hit hard and she collapsed to the ground, semiconscious and aching all over.

This was it, she realized dully. She was going to die. A stupid, pointless death for a stupid, pointless life. The tragedy of her life wasn't that she was going to die young and alone and in pain. It was that she'd been born at all. She'd managed to get to seventeen with no real friends. Hardly any real skills or accomplishments. And she'd lost the one she loved to...to a freakish man-panther who killed people and ate them.

Maybe this was for the best.

When something twined around her, and lifted her into the air, Renata didn't struggle. She waited. Oh, she was afraid. Her stomach churned and her heart beat a staccato rhythm like a bird's. But she hurt too much to fight anymore. Her body ached. Her spirit itself was exhausted. And deep down, the hate this creature had for her seemed like just a shadow of what she felt towards herself.

"Have you come to die?" Its voice on the wind again, screaming across her face and rocketing around the outside of the clearing into the tornado beyond.

Renata opened her eyes. Was it...asking permission? She saw her predicament too. She was floating in midair, about ten feet off the ground, supported by nothing physical. And while she couldn't move her arms, or do much besides wriggle and kick, she couldn't actually feel anything in contact with her. There was no texture to the thing, no solidity. It was like a magnetic field...it could stop you from moving, but there wasn't really anything there.

"What are you?" she demanded wearily. "Do whatever you're going to do and stop...toying with me!"

"Have you come to die?"

Jesus, how do you answer a question like that? Renata wasn't suicidal. She'd never looked at a weapon and considered using it on herself. Her sometimes morbid curiosity had sometimes wondered what it would be like to die...but that wasn't the same. But then again, it wasn't asking if she wanted to die. It was asking if she'd come to die. Come here. So Renata thought back to when she'd come here. Running from Mari. Running from the sickeningly certain knowledge that Mari was deeply in love with Ravi. But that was just the surface. Like a giant zit, the whole situation was swollen with nastiness that lurked just below.

"Are you going to kill me?" she asked.

"Are you?"

Renata shook her head. "Why do you hate me so much?"

"Because you are weak when you should be strong. Because you are slow when you need speed..."

Her eyes widened in shock. She knew that litany. She knew it. And only one other person did.

"...you are dull when you could be cunning, and..."

She finished for the thing, "...I'm blind when I have to see. I'm my own worst enemy." Her body tingled unpleasantly. Her brain felt like it was moving inside her skull. Any second she'd wake up, because that had to be what this was. But she knew it wasn't. The man who had taught her to fight had begun his lessons with that mantra. He'd been a hard man, uncompromising and eager to criticize, while compliments were given rarely and grudgingly.

...in any conflict, your opponent is not who you're fighting, he'd said. You are your own worst enemy, always. You are weak when you should be strong. You are slow when you need speed. You are dull when you could be cunning, and you are blind when you have to see. Only by fighting yourself and your limitations can you win a conflict. Whether that conflict is hand to hand combat, or a boardroom debate, or an argument over leaving the toilet lid up.

She'd never told anyone else about her afterschool training. Not because it was scandalous or in any way shameful or embarrassing, but because if she'd told people, then they'd know not to mess with her. And she'd wanted them to provoke her. She'd wanted to fight them. Hurt them. Break them and see them cry the tears that she denied herself.

There was a sensation growing in the pit of Renata's stomach, similar to the one she got on a roller coaster as the cars came to the crest of a great big hill. Or watching the fuse of a huge firework light and start to race back along the line. Something big was coming, and nothing could stop it now. Memories were flowing in the back of her mind, things she'd trained herself not to think about. Giant sections of her life that were cordoned off, but had the answers that she needed now. Because she didn't want to die. She didn't want to die, and she had to understand why this thing hated her so much.

No! Fatima, stop it! That was her mother. She'd finally cornered Renata in her bedroom one day and had something that had started out as a good mother-daughter heart to heart, but that then had turned ugly when Renata had told her one last bit of information. You're young, Fatima. It's normal for girls to be...confused sometimes when they're growing up. That doesn't mean... But Renata had insisted. She hadn't been confused. Not about her own feelings. Oh, she was confused about the OTHER girl's feelings, but not about her own. And her mother had gone very still, with a tight, pinched look to her lips...the expression she wore when someone had insulted her personally, or blasphemed. Listen to me, she'd said, listen very carefully. What you are describing is an abomination in the eyes of the Lord. You're young. Impressionable. You spend too much time watching television and movies where they try to make all this seem 'cool' and 'acceptable.' I'm going to speak with your father about this. Don't worry, Fatima, I don't blame YOU. This isn't you. The Devil is all around us, all the time, whispering in our ears...and you just need to learn how to stop listening to him. She'd been in tears by the end, and had leaned over to kiss Renata's forehead...but despite this seeming kindness, the message had been clear. You are an abomination. You are not acceptable. You are the Devil.

And it had all been over a girl. A girl at the private academy she'd been attending. A girl named Charlotte. Just thinking of the name brought her face into Renata's mind; toe-curlingly beautiful, with clear blue eyes and full lips giving her an angel's face framed by curls of golden-blonde hair. She'd been everything Renata hadn't been. Adventuresome where she'd been cautious, social where she was reclusive, gorgeous where she was dumpy, popular versus her own lack of existence. They'd first met, if one didn't count Ren stalking her, in the band room during lunch. Renata was strumming a few ideas for melodies she'd had on the old guitar the school had for practice.

That's pretty, she'd said.

Renata, startled, looked up and instantly colored. She'd stammered something that could have been speaking in tongues for all of its garbled nonsense. Charlotte just grinned and came over to sit down nearby. Go on, keep playing.

So Ren had played a couple of tunes from pop songs that she'd taught herself. That got some giggles out of Charlotte, which emboldened Renata to try improvising something. She'd closed her eyes and imagined Charlotte's face, and started playing.

The melody that emerged was rather startlingly pleasant to hear, if a bit sad. It evoked a mood of distance; of yearning. It briefly surged into something happier, something joyful like the sun breaking through clouds...then returned to the far off wistfulness, but with a subtle strain of new hope evident in a slightly different chord.

That was awesome, Charlotte had whispered, and Ren opened her eyes...so into the music that she'd actually forgotten the other girl was there. Charlotte had left her chair and was sitting right next to her now, close enough to touch. Their eyes had locked, and Renata felt herself leaning towards her...trapped by some kind of gravitational field. It's about you, she'd said softly.

Then the bell had rung, and both girls snapped out of it. Seeya! chirped Charlotte as she scampered off.

Sick with a combination of glee and awe and the kicking-of-oneself-for-missing-a-golden-opportunity that only teenagers in love can feel, Renata had replaced the guitar in its case and hurried out as well.

Just a week later, Renata and Charlotte were 'an item,' in Renata's mind at least. They'd kissed. They held hands when it was not overly inappropriate. Most everyone just assumed they were friends. Renata noticed that Charlotte never introduced her to her 'inner circle' of popular kids...but at the time she'd been rather grateful. She didn't like them, and knew they didn't like her. Why would she want an introduction?

Charlotte was always the initiator. What she wanted, they did. Renata accomodated her desires with puppyish eagerness to please. When they finally slept together, it was because Charlotte, embarrassed but eager to experiment, wanted to. After that first night, it was all Renata could think about. She had fantasies of marrying Charlotte, of using her family's money to research baby-science so she could have her babies. She wanted a family, and a life where she got to sleep, naked, with Charlotte every night. And spend each day with her too...possibly still naked, that could be worked out on a day by day basis.

And then the other shoe dropped.

Renata had timidly approached Charlotte while she was talking to her popular friends...normally she wouldn't have, but Char hadn't responded to her passed note in class where Ren had invited her to meet her family over the break...and Ren needed to know if she was coming so she could make the arrangements.

Um, when you have a second, I need to ask you something, Renata had mumbled, avoiding eye contact with the Alpha Teens that Charlotte pretended to belong among.

Charlotte looked at her, eyes narrow for a second, then bright and wide and beaming. Guys, I'll be right back.

When they'd gotten a safe distance away, she'd rounded on Renata. What IS it, she'd demanded.

I'm sorry, Renata had assured her, trying to smooth things over. I just wanted to see if you wanted to come to my place over the break. Mom's a great cook and you two would get along and...I just thought you should meet....everyone...

Fatima, Charlotte had said, arms folded. Why would I want to meet your family?

The bluntness of the question had surprised Renata. She just stared, wide eyed, which Charlotte took as an invitation to continue.

What is this? You think we're engaged now or something? You want me to meet the in-laws to be?

No, Renata assured her hastily. But...we are together so, I don't know. Maybe we should meet each other's parents?

Oh my God, Charlotte replied, full of scorn. We're together? Really?

The world started to constrict around Renata...it was actually shrinking. She was having trouble breathing. But we...you and me...we...

We had some fun, insisted Charlotte. Some laughs. You were kind of cute with the guitar and all, and I was sort of curious to see what it would be like. And now I know. So...I guess we're done now.

But.

Fatima, explained Charlotte...and while she was speaking more gently now, it only seemed to hurt worse. I'm sorry. I didn't know you'd get all...clingy. I thought we were the same, we just wanted to see how it was. But all the time now, you're calling me and following me around and people are starting to ask...

Hey, Charlotte, someone else called, everything all right?

Charlotte's eyes widened for a moment, and Renata could see, actually SEE the instant where the other girl made her choice.

She pushed Renata back and said loudly, Fatima, for the last time, I'm not a lesbian! If you ever try to hit on me again, I'll report you to the office!

Then she was walking away, to her friends, and Renata could hear her starting to go on about how the lovelorn little dyke just wouldn't leave her alone...

Renata twisted where she hung in the air, at the mercy of a monstrous thing that could not be defeated. The memory of Charlotte's betrayal hurt worse than the beating she'd gotten. Worse than anything. It filled her with hate, and pain until she could only scream it out into the night. But even then, she was still clicking inexorably along the roller coaster, starting to go over now, could stop it. The dots in her memory were connecting themselves and revealing a pattern. This was her answer, and she was terrified of what it would mean in the end.

You are your own worst enemy.

She'd been born the youngest, by far, to a family of pushy alpha-personalities. Father a right-wing politician who believed hardball was the only game worth playing. Mother an authoritarian who ruled the household with the Bible in one hand and a ruler in the other. Starved for attention and approval, she'd always measured herself by how they reacted to her.

You are weak when you should be strong.

In school, she'd applied the same equation to her peers, but got an inexplicably different result. Other kids were unpredictable, their reactions to her all over the board. Frightened by this, and unwilling to take risks, she withdrew socially into the safety of iconoclastic observation. When she understood them, she would try again, she rationalized.

You are slow when you need speed.

Charlotte had broken that wall, by giving her not just the approval and love she'd needed for so long, as well as something even more valuable. A model to emulate. Charlotte was everything Fatima wasn't, but wanted to be. Growing close to her let Fatima watch her, learn from her.

You are dull when you could be cunning.

She'd always believed that Charlotte's betrayal had shattered her, but now, thinking back clearly, she realized that it hadn't changed ANYTHING. She'd still tried to be like Charlotte, because it was all she had. But afterwards what 'being like Charlotte' meant was different. Charlotte hated Fatima, so she'd ceased to be Fatima. She'd thrown out her old clothes and things, and bought new ones. She'd stopped going by her first name and adoped her middle name 'Renata' as her new nom de plume. Renata was strong, and didn't take shit from anyone, like Charlotte. She was fast on her feet, quick to take offense and had a lightning jab. She was clever, witty, street-smart. She wasn't like Fatima. Fatima was a joke. Everyone hated Fatima.

You are blind when you have to see.

Even Renata.

No one hated Fatima more than Renata.

And just like that, she knew. It was as if a light suddenly clicked on, shining down from above...an imitation of what Mari had become briefly. A light that showed everything as it truly was, without any lie or self-deception that could endure its touch. For just an instant, Fatima saw exactly who she was, and what was happening, and what she was doing and why. All her relationships were laid bare, all her memories stripped of anything but truth. And in response, she did the only thing a sane person COULD do on the event of seeing themselves truly.

She began to laugh.

Not hysterical, desperate laughter, or giggles and snorts, but the full-lung laughter of someone who was told a really good joke a long time ago, and only just now got it. The laugh of someone who has years of laughing to catch up on, and intends to get started right now.

Her feet touched the ground gently, and she wasn't surprised to see that the snow in the clearing was gone...melted away. She was warm too, pleasantly so, even though winter still held the rest of the world in its icy clutches. The tornado was gone, though its legacy of snapped branches and broken trees still described a perfect circle around the clearing.

She looked up at one of the trees, at a large branch. It moved, waving like a hand. She grinned and waved back...then winced and rubbed her face where she'd hit herself. That brought another laugh to her lips and she shook her head at herself as she started back to the houses.

She'd asked her teacher what happened when you fought yourself and won. If you were no longer your own worst enemy, what were you? His response had always annoyed her because of what it implied and eventually she'd stopped going to see him.

Ready to learn.

[SalmonMax]

[Er...this completes the fic. ]